"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found."

"Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos. "

jouissance

If my feelings get hurt as often as they are, I will cease to feel pain. Is that a new theory you're working on with me, life? Ever just hurt so completely and all encompassing that you just feel nothing? I feel ground up and spit out.

You take the brunt of my frustration and hurt so well, blog. It's not always bad, but when it is it really, really is and I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I am still in this dark place because I have a fascination with pain and loneliness. Do I romanticize suffering? It seems a common occurrence in humankind, but what benefit does it serve? Evolutionarily speaking, the irrational behaviour of humans is what sets us apart from other animals... we are, for lack of a better word, ridiculous. We want things we can't have and we pine for them harder yet when we are denied them. If we were smart monkeys we would see the unattainable object of our desire as a futile objective and move along to the next best thing that comes our way. Instead, we chase our fantasy and our desire for the forbidden and unavailable fuels our passion, then we sabotage our chances and chase them some more. A cycle of madness.

I need to think about this and figure it out.

Saving Ourselves From Ourselves.

"Lacan says that anxiety is generated when you come too close to the object of desire. This is because the aim of desire is to sustain itself as desire - if you ever really reached what you desire, desire would end because you would be satisfied. In order to continue desiring, you have to sabotage yourself when you get too close to success to postpone the moment of satisfaction as long as possible. So what you want is the possibility or hope of satisfying your desires, but no more than that. When you actually get what you desire, it's horrible, you have to construct some obstacle to keep it at a distance. What seems to have happened to you is that you believe that everything is possible, there are no obstacles, so there is nothing you want.

Fortunately, Lacan offers another mode: drive. Where desire is filled with anguish over the phantasmic lost object that it desperately wants to be reunited with and yet sabotages itself in actually achieving that, for drive, loss is the object. Drive endlessly, relentlessly circulates around the void, continually re-enacting dissatisfaction, the failure of any object to fill that void and be truly satisfying and getting a kind of inert pleasure out of it. Drive is blind and mindless, like in the Disney short The Sorcerer's Apprentice where the enchanted broom floods the room with water and can't be stopped, even when it gets chopped into pieces, it recreates itself and continues.

You create your own absence, you are the lost object. The main problem is that you are making yourself the lost object in the Other's desire. Whoever is waiting for you is dissatisfied with your absence, wondering, "Where is she!?" You are creating loss in the Other, maybe to create a place where you can belong. Your drive should circulate around your own void, not someone else's."


via my bro

It's okaaaaaaaaaay

Good things, so many good things in my life. Not going to focus on one thing that sucks and ruin a perfectly lovely fall day.

Good things.

I MISS YOU TOO EFFING MUCH! But it's 1am and I've had some drinks, so I can't trust myself, my thoughts or my feelings.

Godammit! It's so simple. I am me and you are you. How complicated does that really sound?

Mehhhhhhhh.

Dont ever tell anybody anything If you do you start missing everybody

I miss you today and there's nothing I can do, nor anyone to tell that would care or make it better. The temptation to pick up my phone and call or text is so strong, I think I will leave it at home today. :) I hardly answer my phone as it is and the only reason I seem to carry it with me and check it is to see if you have called. But why would you? I told you not to. It has been 10 days and I can't help but feel a little empty inside. I'm alright though, really. It's the way it has to be for now... or forever. No happy mediums on this one, huh? Sucks.

I have to accept that the chapter is over, the scene is done. Now if only the stars were on our side, one day. They'd align for us again, some day. Perhaps? I don't know...

Please don't forget me.

Glory Hallelujah!

People at the new jobby are cool, hardworking and professional! What a frickin' relief. AND not a single white trash, hillbilly. SCORE!!

Haha. I'm terrible, I know! But seriously, I just can't relate to those kinds of people no matter how hard I try and the last place I worked seemed to attract them. Completely different culture that I have never been exposed to. They are nice enough, but it's just hard for me (or them) to find common ground. Just the way it is. Blame God, or someone. I worked there for 2 years so I give myself for credit for that!

We're having our grand opening tomorrow and looks like it's going to be a good gig, financially, socially, plus we wear all black: mini skirts and cute shoes, but very professional looking.

Happy face! :)

Damn Songs

Making me sad. :(



Skipped some important things I needed to do today in favour of a 2 hour chat with an amazing lady I am lucky to know. I wouldn't know her if it weren't for certain people, so I guess some good can come from all the bad. She's a little older, but we're quite a like in many ways and she can relate to this 20-something-mess-of-a-self... The good news? She's in a good place now. She went through the wringer, but in the end learned the tough lessons. Her life gives me courage.

Realizing that I need to stop worrying about other people and focus on fixing my broken self. You'd think that's what I have been doing, but honestly I have not really made the concerted effort I could be. Life is a journey, I know. We'll always be a little broken, or maybe a lot. We'll always have our demons lurking in the shadows. I would at least to get to the point where I understand better why I do all the crazy shit I do... and then I guess eventually quit doing it! This last year and a half has been a definitive peeling off of layers experience, but there's more. In a way, I'd love nothing more than to bury my head in the sand and hope everything just works out magically. Yet, a bigger part of me is sick of the cycle of madness and emotional turmoil.

Something's broken and I need to fix it before I make irreversible bad decisions, that are made solely out of fear.  I'm just so tired and raw.

Am I going to survive this? If you're going through hell, keep going. Right?

"Everything passes away-suffering,pain, blood, hunger,pestilence. The sword will pass away too, but the stars will remain when the shadows of our presence and our deeds have vanished from the Earth. There is no man who does not know that. Why, then, will we not turn our eyes toward the stars? Why?"

— Mikhail Bulgakov

Umm

Ahhhh I am ruining it!!

Told you. I suck. Fix me please.

Oh and I guess this would be "successful" day 3.  I did have a moment and that moment sucked. Major suckage. One day at a time, right? One day at a time.

Useful Distractions

Useful observations.

My drama class is totally awesome, mainly because it's a class I get elective credit for AND it's nothing like a regular class. I have to do a 7-10 minute scene with a partner and one of the exercises to help us work together is the "Trust Exercise". Essentially,  my partner (who I don't know very well at all) led me on an obstacle course around the school while I had my eyes closed. It may not sound that crazy, but I was amazed on the profound affect it had on me. Number one, I realized I really don't have a high level of trust at all. Getting started was hard and I was pretty adamant that I could not really trust that he would ensure I didn't fall down a flight of stairs. My suspicions were going full throttle. Honestly, I was pretty annoyed at myself because I was trying not to feel that way, but I couldn't help it.

Eventually I somehow managed to make a deal with myself and decided I was just going to do this properly and jeez, what a difference! I felt 100% different when I made the choice to trust in my own instincts and also to trust him. All my senses were heightened, except of course for sight: touch, smell, hearing and likely if I had decided to eat something then my taste buds would have been on fire. The main difference that stood out to me was an obvious release of physical tension and then the realization that I walk around tense and suspicious more often than not. It was just a dumb activity, but I like doing things that give you something to compare a before and after. When you have a physical manifestation happen to you, it's a lot easier to go back to that feeling at a later time. If you need it.

Dumb, but good. Take a drama class! :)

The Places That Scare You

❝The essence of bravery is being without self-deception.❞ - Pema Chödrön

Tonight's Jam.

Of whatever and such

"Keep hope alive." "Never give up hope." "Where there is life there is hope." I always hear these and I often quote them, but really... why bother? What is hope good for? Hope seems to be just a carrot in front of me, that I am perpetually chasing. It's always in the forefront of my mind and I feel worried or anxious if I forget about it, for a period of time. Addicted to hope. It distracts me from the empty moments and plays like a movie that has to have a happy ending. I don't want to accept that the fantasy I impose on my life, is just that: a fantasy. It's almost like it gives me some assurance that insecurity and pain will somehow be magically exterminated.

I am starting to wonder if I am missing the point of life altogether. Starting now to realize that I have spent years of my life chasing ideals, beliefs, expectations, hope, purpose and meaning. In all honesty, I feel a bit like a dog chasing it's tail. Running in circles, and chasing that carrot, to avoid letting go of this infrastructure that makes me feel safe. But does it? The more I investigate and scrutinize everything that is supposed to make us think we know shit about anything at all, the more they seem like distractions from all that we are afraid of. We will never escape fear, but we try and try and try. If hope could somehow guarantee love and life forever, or whatever, well maybe it would be worth chasing. But it doesn't. The continual dashing of hope, the falling deeper into despair and hopelessness each time. I would much rather be at peace with my insecurities and groundlessness, than artificially cushion my fears with stories that make me feel superficially that I am okay, that I am safe.

Stay with the fear, stay with the pain in your heart, stay with the darkness and eventually you just get used to those being around you. Don't use the fantasy of hope to distract you from right now, because you need this moment and you are cheating yourself out of gaining perspective and of finding real peace in your heart and mind, if you instinctively run for the comfort of your personal daydreams. When you've closed all the emergency exits and you have nowhere to escape to, that's when your amazing superhuman strength can be manifested and when things become clear.

I guess? I don't know anything. This is all one big experiment, but in focusing on the moment, there's really only one thing I can be sure of: I'm starving!

ONE!

Successfulish.

I was in the worst of moods all day today, felt so sad, but hanging out with Mara and Altea today made me feel tons better. And I almost didn't go over there. I need to remember that sometimes doing the things I don't feel like doing at all (ie. being around people) is the thing I need to do most. Especially kids. They are so unfazed and completely engrossed in the moment. They could care less about anything that is going on that is not in their immediate vantage point. Gosh, that's got to be me one of these days.

I can only do what feels right, otherwise living with that nagging feeling inside that something is not quite right will drive me insane. It's not right, it's not okay. This is better, this is the only way it could be better - even if what I end up with is the opposite of what I want right now... it will still be better than something that feels not quite right. But maybe. Maybe it will turn out to be exactly what I want. Maybe?

Trust. So, so hard, but I have no choice anymore. The only control I have is over my own measly existence... I have no control over anything that doesn't live inside my head. Will you choose well? I hope you don't wait too long, because life is so short and it moves on regardless of how much time we take. Every step that we take: the one that could be our biggest mistake and we'll never know. That's the risk we take every single day, that we'll never really know. You have to decide if the risk is worth it. Personally? I think it is, but I see the world through rose coloured glasses (when it's not fucking me up) and I see you with those same glasses. To the core, I think we are all intrinsically good. Yet though we have all been dealt a difficult hand and under even the most difficult of circumstances, it is entirely possible to succeed in life and to live well. 'We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.’ I am determined that I will live well!

Please. Fight for what you want, before it's too late. Time passes so quickly and eventually it will run out. What can we do, but just going to keep on trucking and see where we end up? That's all I can do.

It's just so cold and I miss you.

When Did it Happen That Nothing Makes Much Sense?

I remember life making more sense, once upon a time. Or did it never? Memories are tricky things.

I'm living an oxymoron as I protect myself from a good thing in order to be good and do good things. See? That makes no sense.

Okay, I'm giving myself a 30 day challenge. I'm going to post something everyday just to ensure that I am keeping my word. I've got buckets of paint, a blank canvas, figuratively speaking, and every intention of throwing the colours at the senselessness of it all. Maybe it will be something beautiful... I'm afraid it won't, but I am hopeful

Goddamn this sucks right now, no way I can pretend that it won't suck exponentially in a few days.

Oh boy... here we go...

Ouch

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch, tear, ouch ouch ouch, tear, ouch ouch ouch ouch.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Thanks For This.

- love is not sex - getting laid can help you remember that you're still sexy and there are other fish in the sea. self-love, likewise. Don't hang your whole sexual identity around one person
- love is not companionship - get other people in your life to spend time with you and even go to couple-y things with you if you don't like to be alone. It's okay to take a pal to a friend's wedding, it's okay to take a friend visiting your parents
- love is not medicine - sometimes it's easy to make feeling strongly about another person keep you from attenting to yourself and the absence of that feeling can be a vacuum to bad feelings about yourself. realize this effect, try to mitigate it with good treatment of yourself.
- love is not only to/from The One - there are other people who love you and who you love, most likely, reconnect with them and get a little love sent your way, even if it's friendly love or even the love of a good gerbil.
- love goes out as well as in - find other things to love in your life and it will help make you not feel like a bottled up love thermos waiting for another person to be poured into. Go love the river, or a pet, or a family member, or your local mailman, or whatever. Letting it out is a good way to practice and be ready for it to come back in as well.

But then... (When Your Heart's On Fire) Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

"Living," they say,

"is sometimes like licking honey off a thorn."

Getting better at this "feeling less" business, but could that just be telling me I am getting better at piling on the band-aids? Sometimes I feel really good, I'm just cruising. Not too high, not too low. Like I have come to accept what is and my energy levels are strong. But then, from seemingly nowhere, those thoughts creep in that make me question everything once again and I slowly spiral downwards. I hope I have learned how to catch myself from losing control... I suppose if you practice letting yourself get close to that point often enough, you eventually learn to master the come-back - yeah, that would be a theory I am talking myself into (don't try this at home, kids!). Oh Emma, Emma, Emmmmmmaaaa.

Maybe I am just confused. Perhaps I confuse my need for being alone right now to mean there is something more severely wrong than there is. That intervention on the sisters helped calm this house down and I definitely feel a sense of peace being here. For the very first time since I have been here. Which is so nice! Unfortunately, this house is riddled with memories of the awful kinds and memories of the wonderful kinds. So for awhile "home" was not the place I felt comfort and safe. It's the worst, worst, worst feeling - no escaping, no hiding, no safety. If you don't find sanctuary at home - where else could you find it? There's a heckuva lot of baggage in this place for having only been here two years, myself. But who am I kidding? There's baggage everywhere. I think I just had a moment of insanity before I moved here, thinking that moving here would be some fairy tale answer to everything. Gosh, why do I do that? In the moment, everything I imagine seems attainable and easy - but the reality of how things turn out is that they are way harder than I psychologically prepared myself for. Resulting in madness and catastrophe, of sorts. Stupid fantasies!

Time to dose reality and remind myself that life sucks, life is hard, life would love to beat me down - and no, not in a "Oh poor me!" sort of way. Just, you know. The way it actually is. It's not a fairy tale no matter how much you wish it were. Yet I can't help wishing. No, no I am not entirely ridiculous that I believe it could be a fairy tale. I just can't accept the possibility of life *actually* sucking... even if it were absolutely true, all the time. Does everyone cope with life by holding the crap it throws at you and thinking somehow this is crap in your hands is  actually something lovely?

WTF, life. I love it, then I hate it. Argh!

Black Guitar

So long as your mind falls for life then life will fall for you

And I will love you for another life and another you

But as long as you will shadow me then I won't bear the fruits

That will want to make me love you another night and another you

Black guitar gave me a song

The role of your own demise awash my tears

If the sun may blind you

I find you the moon

No one shadows

The retina of your heart

So long as your eyes follow mine then mine will fall on you

And I will blind you for another night and another moon

But as long as you will battle me then I will stand accused

With a mind that will make you wonder is there a sun or is there a moon

Black guitar gave me a voice

The famous last words all I hate is here

Moving onto urgent matters

In the end I didn't die

I didn't die

--Blonde Redhead

KeepItTogether

keepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogether (ad infinitum)

A Thing

Going back to plan A, because plans B, C, D, E, F and G (etc.) have not managed to emulsify with my rebellious soul.

Pre-reqs for Nursing School - here we go.

I am

Fueling everything I feel for you into making my life awesome. And I think it's working. Did I not once say I needed to re-channel my negative energy into something productive? Well, here's re-channeling.

I hope that in this very moment you are smiling.

Extraño tu sonrisa...

Bang Gang

Learning this song on guitar. So pretty.

Bang Gang - It's Alright

Argh!

This is hard. Late at night in, a silent house, my thoughts drift to you and my hands to my phone as it stares me down, begging me to call you. Every time I do that it screws me up. The process of letting go of love when it's still alive... in both parties... is probably the single hardest endeavour one can undertake. Killing something that is living. Murdering love?

C'est la vie, c'est la vie. The past has faded to nothing and there's nowhere to go except forward. I am just too tired to go back and forth any longer. There are too many things I need a fully functioning brain/heart/mind/body to do! The limbo and the treading of water robs so much life out of me, I'm afraid of how this could end: a failed me, a decimated us.

Ah, but how I loathe the inability to see what's ahead. The ever present wish for someone to take my hand and lead me through the crazy maze of this life is always strong, but at the same time I relish this opportunity to fly completely unrestrained. We all need that sense of freedom to grow into our own skin. As different as we may be, you and I, we're birds of a feather and if we just give ourselves this time, we're going to be okay. Learning how to be right with yourself, by yourself, makes being with others work a lot better.

Must. Stay. Strong.

"But the greatest gift in the power of loneliness to bestow is the realization that life does not consist either of wallowing in the past or of peering anxiously at the future, and it is appalling to to contemplate the great number of of often painful steps by which one arrives at a truth so old, so obvious, and so frequently expressed. It is good for one to appreciate that life is now. Whether it offers little or much, life is now- this day- this hour - and is probably the only experience of the kind one is to have.

Solitude performs the inestimable service of letting us discover that it is our lives we are at every moment passing through, and not some useless, ugly, interpolated interval between what has been and what is to come. Life does not know such intervals. they can have no separate identity for they are life itself, and to realize this makes what has seemed long and without value both precious and fleeting. The fleeting present may not be just what we dreamed it might be, but it has the advantage of being present, whereas our past is dead and our future may never be born."


Nevertheless... ARGH!!!

Perhaps it is comforting to know that there is no one alone in feeling alone.

It's okay.

Never stop thinking. This is important. If someone ever says to you ‘You need to stop thinking so much,’ call them ignorant in your head and keep thinking deeper. It is this mentality that breeds stupidity. Your mind is the most important tool you have, if you stop using it, it will shrivel.

I get that there's a time for everything, but it's so rare to hear encouragement to think more, think harder. Diving into the depths of life and all that it is, or isn't, is an adventure that I can't understand anyone not wanting to take. No, that's a lie. I GET it. It's hard frickin' work, it's a little scary at times, it's a little lonely at times, and perhaps crippled with a touch of running circles around issues with no answers. But honestly, do you think that remaining in a bubble of what you've always known just because it's comfortable and safe is good excuse for remaining there? Too many people are stuck in their bubbles. I feel like walking down the street popping them one by one. Let life happen to you.

Sometimes I feel a little guilty. Right now I am still experimenting with who I am, what I like, what I want and what I think. It takes a lot of thought to go through everything and I feel a little selfish in having particular needs: ie, a strong desire to not be around most people. Maybe I am still protecting myself from the pain of wounds that are still open, but it's a good excuse for me to hide from the world and explore everything. Free from pressure to please anyone or worry about their opinion of me. (I know, my Achilles' heel. Buh!)

I don't dislike anyone - I'm just in observation mode. Participating, but with observation and education being the driving forces behind this. One of the things I have learned to enjoy the most is stretching the boundaries of what I think I am capable of doing. Dumb things even. Acting! I have never taken a drama class in my life and have never thought I could be an actor of any kind (too shy/worried about people's judgements), but as part of my resolution to take steps to not be held back by irrational fears... to not LIMIT myself due to irrational fears... I'm in an acting class. Woop! It's still early days and I am yet to actually do a monologue or memorize lines, buuuuut that will come shortly. Anyway. Something silly, yet quite effective for this endeavor of mine.

If I could impose one rule on myself it would be this: Don’t take anything too seriously.


Oooh thunder.

 I don't want the world, I just want your half.

Spoken Louder than Words

I Want You to Know One Thing

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

-- Pablo Neruda

Everything Carries Me to You

Whoa! So, lucky me. Rather than a triumphant re-entry from my 2 and a half month hiatus, like I planned. The gods decided it would be far more fitting if I stumbled back into the city, tripped over my feet and cast a small shadow in my direction that's brought a shroud of grey with it. Oh the lovely hues of grey that I have become well acquainted with these past 2 years. But you know? I think I am at a point where I can handle melancholy with some measure of dignity and less agonizing. Commence skin thickening process!

And yet, it feels good to be back! Today was my first day of class, for which I promptly rose from peaceful slumber at the dreadful 5:30am hour, the hour where sound and life do not exist. Not TERRIBLE considering I am still wrestling with my jetlag, but slightly terrible that I didn't have anywhere to be for 4 more hours. No matter. I had tingles of excitement shooting down my spin even as I pulled into bumper to bumper morning rush hour traffic. The air was crisp, the sun was shining, KEXP played on the radio, and excited for my classes I had one of those tremendous moments of peace in my soul. Shrouds of grey, what? I think peace and turmoil can coexist peacefully. There's no rule that says a sucky situation has to turn into a crisis, but I think you only learn this once you have gone through a few sucky situations and found out (much to your surprise) that you actually survived. Remarkable to understand how this is possible, now. Anyone who would quote "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger." a year ago, would have received multiple pies in the face from me.

You got to make it your own way
But you'll be alright now sugar
You'll feel better tomorrow
Come the morning light now baby

I'm really quite lucky, I realize this. I have the freedom to take off for months on end, to return to a city because I want to, my commitments (or lack thereof) affect no one but me, I can return from taking off for months on end to a clean slate and a chance to do better. I'm not stuck. I really could do whatever I want, right now. That's exactly what I am going to do, starting with a giant breakfast of champions... :)

Busy thinking thoughts about things I've thought and need to think through. Hey, what's new? It's all gonna turn out ok, right? Oh look, there's a light at the end of the tunnel! :)

You ditch it all to stay alive...

...A thousand kisses deep.

HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths

Of night and light and the half light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats (1865–1939)

Something was Broken

...And so I took a running leap and jumped over the edge of a cliff. It was a very, very uncomfortable, unpleasant feeling and I started to fall. Today, that fall hasn't stopped, I'm still falling. But in a way I've gotten used to the sensation of it and in a way I kind of like the sensation of it a lot better than where I was before the jump.

“Like the wisp of a dream I can barely remember.”

I lean into your eyes; those milky apertures

transparent with the film of a lifetime.

*strangle strangle*

When and if circumstance seem to be different, is it not fair to consider reassessing a situation? OR is it completely unfair that I should be once again in a situation where I actually vocalize the words "consider" and "reassess"...

What.
Do.
You.
Want?

Ughhh a little over a week till I am back in Seattle and I feel a furry of emotions.

What's going on? Why are you still around? I thought this was dead and buried. Should I ask? Or should I just keep aimlessly wondering and asking my blog? I could just disappear and never surface again... But my goddamn curiosity is curious! Buhhhhhhhh.

BUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh

Rameau’s Nephew

❝Rain or shine, it’s my habit, about five of an evening, to go for a stroll in the Palais-Royal. It’s me you see there, invariably alone, sitting on the d’Argenson bench, musing. I converse with myself about politics, love, taste, or philosophy. I give my mind license to wander wherever it fancies. I leave it completely free to pursue the first wise or foolish idea that it encounters, just as, on the Allée de Foy, you see our young rakes pursuing a flighty, smiling, sharp-eyed, snub-nosed little whore, abandoning this one to follow that one, trying them all but not settling on any. 

In my case, my thoughts are my whores.❞

--Denis Diderot

But we're getting better at simplifying things... maybe.

This. Song.

♫Elisa - Dancing

Dunno really. Just one of those songs that comes around again and again. Haunting me. 

--- In a beautiful way.

In the Symposium, Socrates says:

❝Even during the period for which any living being is said to live and retain his identity. [Man] he is always becoming a new being and undergoing a process of loss and reparation, which affects not only his body, but his soul as well. No man's character, habits, opinions desires pleasures pains and fears remain always the same: new ones come into existence and old ones disappear.❞

Socrates often brought people to the realization that they were not the best they could be, and perhaps they did not know what they thought they did.

❝I go around doing nothing but persuading both young and old among you not to care for your body or your wealth in preference to or as strongly as for the best state of your soul, as I say to you: Wealth does not bring about excellence, but excellence brings about wealth and all the other public and private blessings for men.❞

Socrates truly believed that "the unexamined life is not worth living." To know your soul must be the prime focus of life, not just a superficial quest for possessions and wealth. He felt that people far too often forget what they should be doing and what they should be concerned with. By endeavoring to get in touch with the inner self, it becomes a necessity to clear away some of the forces that hamper our search for virtue and self-knowledge.

I think maybe he was the wisest because he knew that the search for virtue and truthfulness was in fact a journey within -- a journey to understanding yourself, your soul, and to making it as pure as possible. The journey doesn't require a thick rule book, rituals or reverence to deities unseen. It just requires a willingness to travel the road. Accept change and accept that as old fears, pleasures and pains disappear, new ones come into existence. Easier said than done. We're afraid of what lurks beneath the surface of the unknown. Perhaps nothing? (What can be scarier than nothing? Seriously.) Perhaps we subconsciously fear the truth, afraid we'll be crushed by the enormous responsibility of it's discovery.

At the mention of Socrates, what comes to mind first? Most likely "the good life", wisdom and justice. Virtues we should all strive for, but one thing is missing to make a most powerful combination. It is a virtue we must work hardest above all to possess: Bravery. Fear devalues and eventually obliterates the worth of our principles, it rocks the core of the mental foundation of our existence, of the reality we create. Facing the unknown, Socrates chose not to fear - we are given the same choice, if we dare take the first step:

"Know thy soul" "Know thyself"

❝I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read and all the friends I want to see.❞  ~John Burroughs

Do you make bad romantic choices?

❝ In the past, yes I most certainly have. Who hasn’t? Love won and love lost is part of the human experience. Show me someone who has never made a bad choice and I will show you someone who has never lived. You would think having an extremely strong sense of empathy would help in affairs of the heart, but without a solid foundation in self they only serve to perpetuate confusion. In my day-to-day life I often had trouble discerning energies and emotions which arose in myself from those of others. This was only magnified by intimate relationships. After a number of daunting experiences, I realized that I would have to fully illuminate my empathy or be destroyed by it. This led me on quite a difficult yet rewarding journey and having lived it I know I am stronger for it.

My advice to all who may find themselves inundated by empathy: Define your sovereign borders before you define yourself with another. Until you can, your journey must be a solitary one. Many of our greatest challenges are actually our greatest strengths in disguise. Once you realize this you are already on your way towards their actualization.

But back to the matter at hand, romance.

Romance is often at odds with logic, and sometimes even intuition. The trouble with romance is that we mistake the sways of passion for something we believe is love. However, Love does not make us insane, it instills a sanity and depth most of us travel our whole lives without ever knowing. The irony is that we are not missing some obscure puzzle piece, or that we have not yet found the right person.
Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror.❞
— Katie Byron

(via metaconscious)

I'm trying to work on myself and need affirmations that it's okay for me to do this alone. Everyone around me is in a relationship and there's this sort of unspoken pressure that I couldn't really be happy single. Perhaps a self imposed pressure. Love, love, love. It is truly a beautiful thing. What's not beautiful about it is the rejection, the loss, the heartache. I could live without those for awhile! Love itself is beautiful.

Recently, a cute boy recommended for me to read The Alchemist, a fable about life, passion and dreams. I had started it years ago, but got distracted with nothing in particular and never found the right moment to pick it up again till he reminded me. So I'm finishing it off now and quite pleased. It's a book that has gotten a lot of flack for being blunt and simple, for characters that lack depth and complexity, for the religious mambo-jambo mixed in, but at the heart and soul of this book lies much meaning. A life philosophy expressed in a fable, without restraint and subtlety you might find in a great literary work. But it's within this imperfect, simple writing that your thoughts are provoked and you find yourself delving into the chasms of secret hopes and dreams. I don't know, it works for me.

I like asking questions. It's an annoying habit of mine. Well, not annoying for me, but maybe for others. Asking questions of myself is so important, why wouldn't it be important to ask people/strangers/friends questions? So I ask myself today; what will I do with that feeling, that pulling and tugging in my heart? Will I drown out the voice of the passion I feel for something that might go against what others expect of Me? "Purpose is the place where your deep gladness meets the world's needs". What makes me glad? The world needs our gladness and our passion. I know it sounds cliché, but for someone like myself who has trouble separating my energies and emotions from others' - regularly taking deep, hard looks within my heart is something I need to always be reminded to do.

I'm going to go finish reading...

The boy and his heart had become friends, and neither was capable now of betraying the other. --
The Alchemist

New Things

New book.
New movie.
New boots.
New tee.

Buhhhhhh

I am no writer. That 215800 challenge I have been attempting is BULLSHIT and has made me realize once again that I suck at most everything. Not writing because I haven't felt *inspired* about anything. What's up with me needing *inspiration* before I can do anything?? OH WELL. I'm not going to let it get me down. I guess I am just a person who relies on inspiration for everything.

LAME.

OH. WELL.

The Thinking Thoughts You Think

(via abeautifulrevolution)

1:07am

I have nothing to say at this moment.

Goodnight, internet.

Hope

(via stuffnoonetoldme)

❝I heed echos of your laughter in the corners of my mind

While I memorise each detail of your intricate design

In your hair there is a symphony

Your lips, a string quartet

They tell stories of a Neon Valley Street

Where we first met

now somewhere time pursues us

As we love in Technicolor

But I dwell in silence on your words

Which move me like none other

This time I shall be unafraid

And violence will not move me

this time we will relax

This time we will stay in our movie

I see beyond tomorrow

This life of strife and sorrow

My freedom calls and I must go. ❞ 
- Janelle Monae

"Can I get a makeover?!?", the blog begged.

The self-conscious, insecurity we had always suspected it possessed is now revealed.

Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals

*zoink*

800 Words

Of homework.

Yuck.

Goodnight!

21.5.800

A challenge.

I'm always down for a good challenge. Especially if it's anything to do with getting the emotions flowing, the energy balanced and the mind clear. I'm not an especially talented or eloquent writer, but it is something I enjoy and an activity that I can pin down as beneficial to the soul. Yoga and writing help me make sense of the mumbo jumbo that passes through my brain constantly. Yoga to loosen the emotional blockages, and writing to release the pressure. I'm not great at it, but that's okay. I don't do this for anyone's entertainment, I do it for me. That said, I would like to be a better writer, and seeing technical improvement, because it is nice to feel good about what you spend your time doing. My sister read me a quote the other day that didn't resonate with me until just a moment ago.  I'll let it speak for itself.

❝ Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly -- until you can learn to do it well.❞ - Zig Zigla

 I'm starting to think everyone feels rather insecure about their creations. Music, art, writing. We're afraid others will not appreciate what we've made because it tends to arise from the secret and hidden places in our souls. Places that are afraid of disapproval, rejection and withdrawal.  We become vulnerable through specific combinations of words; to make poetry, through a contemplative placement of colour to paper; to make art and through a sequence of musical notes and sounds; to make music. It's quite remarkable when you think about it, yet it is this that we are made of and what our reality consists of. Life is just one subjective experience of art - whatever that means to you personally - and the more honest and vulnerable the better.

...“Do you know what hurts so very much? It’s love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain.

“There are 2 things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. [...] Whenever we cannot love in the old, human way, Corrie, God can give us the perfect way."

I did not know, as I listened to Father's footseps winding back down the stairs, that he had given me more than the key to this hard moment. I did not know that he had put into my hands the secret that would open far greater rooms than this --places where therewas not, on a human level, anything to love at all.

Corrie ten Boom, (April 15, 1892 – April 15, 1983) was a Dutch Christian Holocaust survivor who helped many Jews escape the Nazis during World War II

I'm not going to pretend I understand (much less possess) that kind of love, courage, altruism, what it means, and what it's all for. Regardless, I can't help but respect. And it's interesting -at least to me, to see from where people pull such extraordinary strength.

Enamorada

Preguntas Hermosas from Süperfad on Vimeo.

This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Tortured. wounded and broken souls create masterpieces. "Blessed" is a word whose origin is rooted in the latin word for "wounded". I love that I know such amazingly talented people. Siiiiiiiiiiigh.

Paris is For Lovers

YOU NEED THIS.

oOoOO - Hearts ♥

Must.
Have.
This.
Track.

#thingsthatmakeyougoawww

An amazing birthday surprise to a bus driver from his company in Denmark. He came into work to cover for a worker and this is what they ended up doing for him.

Portland, OR

3 days of meditation, yoga and peace of mind this weekend. I can't wait! I have never been to a retreat before, nor to Portland, so I am pretty stoked.  Yoga was one of my saving graces last year and I think it helped me churn through a lot of emotion. I just feel a lot more aware of what is going on inside of me and more focused inwardly - when I need to be. I do a style of yoga called Amrit Yoga: "meditation in motion, transforming the philosophy of yoga into experiential reality-transcending every aspect of your being. This practice integrates joyful inner stillness with effortless outer action in the world." The daughter of the yogi who founded this method is running the retreat and giving classes. She's lovely!

Unfortunately, I do feel a little under the gun, as finals are coming up next week, but this is when it was happening so there was little choice. Have to take care of the soul and give it priority even if the timing is not ideal. That's the lesson we learn from yoga anyway; "it is a metaphor for life. The skills of mindful attention and meditative awareness you develop on the yoga mat extend to challenges you encounter in life. Painful transition periods, relationships and crises can become opportunities and openings for personal transformation."

I have a new book to read for the drive there and back. Conditions of Love, by John Armstrong which is supposed to be an exquisite philosophical inquiry into the many dimensions of love and intimacy in relationships. Should be fun. :)

NAMASTE!

noʎ ssıɯ

Trentemoller - Miss you |HD| from ozan oz on Vimeo.

Full Screen. Drift.

Cool

I have a real life "astrotwin" with pretty much an identical chart to mine. He found me, and we're friends now. He lives in Berlin.

Internet, you're kinda cool sometimes.

And Yes

I do believe that in a world which cannot fully satisfy the human spirit and a world that leaves each of us with a gaping void, you are at liberty to superimpose whatever experience you wish into something that is healthy, does not harm yourself or anyone else.

You also have permission to distract yourself and escape from your current emotional state, for a moment of reprieve, a moment to breathe. And yes, you also have permission to feed, overload and deluge your emotional state, if need be, if doing otherwise would overwhelm you. As if our emotions are something bad or evil that we should keep under a lock and key? They hold the secrets to surviving and thriving and should be fully explored by whatever means works for you. Dive into music, art, dance, self expression, poetry, fantasy, creativity of any kind. The point is to get whatever's inside there, outside. Things you may not even know you had in you. Suppressed... repressed - no good can come from either of these...

Just be gentle and kind to yourself and to others. As Plato once said, we're all fighting a hard battle.

Meaning.

The complications of love, the struggle to "find our purpose", incessantly wrestling our demons. What all for? Can't help but feel life is rather pointless in most every way imaginable.

Yet somehow there is... music. What is it even? Music is the strangest thing. Sounds that fill you with intangible hope, that express your innermost fears and desires when words fail. When people fail. It's not something you can touch, feel or describe in a way that makes sense to anyone else -- other than how it touches you, how it makes you feel, personally. Your experience, is yours.

Music is made of magic. It will never break your heart... it will assuage an implacable soul and soothe your mind and body, when nothing else can.

At least. AT LEAST we have that.

Carry on.

LCD Soundsystem @ Sasquatch 2010

LCD Soundsystem got the ENTIRE Main Stage in a moment of synchronized dancing. *sigh* (happy sigh :)  ) We only live once people! do/experience/live what you love, always.

(via abeautifulrevolution)

Sasquatch 2010

I'll be here for the next few days. I ALMOST didn't go. Glad I didn't give into my Pisces moodiness and sell my ticket. (Although I would have been able to sell them for 3x what I bought them for... hmmm )

I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed this.

Feeling Perplexed

Feeling overwhelmed.

It's just another day.

Ugghh but all the things that break us, are the things that will make us strong. Must. Learn. To. Love. Them.

(via mareodomo )

Purpose is the Place Where Your Deep Gladness Meets the World’s Needs

The book: “North Node Astrology” starts out with the quote:

“Purpose is the place where your deep gladness meets the world’s needs.” Frederick Buechner spoke those words years ago, which I now juxtapose with a quote by author, Andrew Harvey: “Be thankful that you live in a time so terrible, it will lead you to your authentic Self.”

The holding of this kind of terrible opposition is the “tension of opposites” that Carl Jung spoke about when he spoke of God, or the “transcendent function.” He once said that God is beyond ideas of good and evil, and is more than the “coincidentia oppositorum”—he felt that it was in the holding of such oppositions as great despair and great hope that we create the spaciousness for the alchemy of our transformation. In the holding of the opposites, we make room for God or the transcendent function in the Soul, the psyche.

It is here in the holding of such opposites, such as where your heart breaks and where your heart finds joy—here is where “the numinous third” can arise – the midpoint between the two opposing positions. Jung tended to counsel “waiting” and a patient holding of the opposites in the crucible of our psyche. When we hold our love and pain together, what can arise is a gift of grace: the point which is the center of the mandala. This is what Jung saw as the third unseen possibility/option which is unfelt at first. Like a gift of grace, it arises of its own accord.

And yet does this create a“passivity” within us? I suspect it could, except in these days when our culture leans towards acting out. Perhaps the “third” that arises is a summons towards compassionate action. We hear that expressed in the Sufi poet, Rumi—as Andrew Harvey expresses it so well: “Rumi is a lion of passion trying to teach a humanity of depressed sheep how to roar… to roar with divine love.” Rumi would have us crawl out from under the dirty blanket of denial to ignite the passion—a passion that has the intensity to birth something truly new.

So isn’t Rumi really asking us to rise to another level of intensity—of radical commitment to ourselves and to our values? Reading his poetry he begs and cajoles us to act on our beliefs and loves—but eventually the only respite that came to him from his painful yearning for his beloved, was to become the Beloved. He held the tension of the opposites within himself, until like Jung believed, the opposites yielded a third: he eventually found within himself the union of opposites.

(via Elizabeth Spring)

“Be thankful that you live in a time so terrible, it will lead you to your authentic Self.”

A Challenge to Myself

Channel your misery into something productive...

Nature Has a Way

of making things feel... okay. Even an angry, raging volcano. It has the potential for so much death and destruction, yet somehow it casts a shadow of peace and calm on a troubled soul.  Eyjafjallajökul.

Iceland, Eyjafjallajökull - May 1st and 2nd, 2010 from Sean Stiegemeier on Vimeo.

Music: Jónsi - Kolniður

?

                 Faith?

          Faith? 

             Faith?

      Faith?

Faith?


What are you, anyhow? You're weird and dumb. I don't understand what you're good for. 

Saturn

Gotta remember you're going to be bugging/kicking my ass for the rest of the year. With my realization that I know nothing about anything, I can't say I have faith in anything, including astrology. The only consolation I get from it is that at least it helps me rationalize insanity, when it's hitting. If I have blame the stars, well so be it. I need some reprieve or I'll lose my mind, give me a break!

This is definitely relevant:

- Saturn Conjunct Saturn -

Consciously or unconsciously, you are pruning your life of everything that is not relevant to what you really are as a human being. If this process is not happening consciously, you may experience a sense of loss for the elements of your life that are coming to an end now. However, do not dwell upon these losses, for they are necessary in order to clear the decks for the major period of action in your life. 

This is a time of endings and new beginnings. If you have built your life up to now around activities that are inappropriate for you, it will be a period of crisis. 

Endings. Crisis. That's me in a nutshell.  

Dear Lord

I might actually have to say a prayer tonight.

God, or whoever, please ensure this guy ends up liking my sister. Once and for all. I NEED SOME PEACE!

So... Tired... Of... Everything

What am I doing?

Day in. Day out.

Maybe I manage my time poorly, but it feels there are not enough hours in the day to do more than perform my minimum responsibilities...  work, study, stay alive. Some days are good and I am okay with this. Some days I tell myself that I am doing something of value that I will one day admire as an accomplishment. Then there are days, particularly when the energy of others saps me dry, I am suddenly overwhelmed with the need to change something, to do more, to go somewhere, to  do something else, anything. I feel inadequate and behind. I'm almost fucking 30 years old, yet I feel like a child with such simple understanding of the world around me. When do you ever feel like an adult? When do you feel like you might actually know something?  I am not a woman, I'm a girl.

Loathing who I am and how insignificant anything I do really is. I hate that I don't offer much at all to the world. Just a lost soul that can't find peace in herself and not much use to anyone else because of it. Maybe I want to be needed? Doesn't everyone? What if no one really needs you? Maybe that should grant me the freedom to go forth and be amazing. I could do anything right now. I still haven't learned to navigate this world, how to make magic happen. But man, I want to! I feel exceptionally good at nothing and just pretty good/okay at some things. How I am doing well in school is baffling. I am like this "pseudo intellectual" of sorts, I can fake it and convince dumb people I am smart[ish]. A lot of people are convinced I am smart, so perhaps I am able to play the roll well, but I know it's a lie.  Half the time I am lost and wandering in the dark, unsure of what I think, believe or even feel and the other half I am overcompensating a positive attitude as a means to fake that I might know a little bit about something.

I DON'T.

Read more. Speak less. Hide often. No one deserves to have to subject themselves to me. Except maybe for hugs. Silent hugs.

99 - Magnifying Glass... VIII

(via salihagir.deviantart)

The Place You Left

It's not like

you weren't warned

about starting

on The Path, dear one.

Now, of course,

it's far too late,

no going back,

you can never return.

The person you were,

the place you left,

no longer exist. 

The Disease to Please

I still need a lot of help with this:

Collapsed Boundaries
Personal boundaries can become weak or even nonexistent. The proverbial “doormat” has collapsed boundaries -- and may be a victim of psychological bullying. If you have collapsed boundaries, you may:

• Say yes to all requests because you fear rejection and abandonment.
• Tolerate abuse or disrespectful treatment.
• Feel you deserve to be treated poorly.
• Avoid conflict.
• Have no sense of who you are or what you feel, need, want and think.
• Not see flaws or weaknesses in others.
• Focus on pleasing those around you.
• Take on the feelings of others.

Healthy Boundaries
Healthy personal boundaries are evident and effective when you know who you are, and you treat yourself and others with respect. If you have healthy boundaries, you may:

• Feel free to say yes or no without guilt, anger or fear.
• Refuse to tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• Know when a problem is yours or another person’s – and refuse to take on others’ problems.
• Have a strong sense of identity.
• Respect yourself.
• Share responsibility with others, and expect reciprocity in relationships.
• Feel freedom, security, peace, joy and confidence.

People pleasers need to work on setting healthy boundaries -- it's the only way to overcome the "disease to please"!

How Do You Set Healthy Boundaries?

Setting healthy boundaries involves taking care of yourself and knowing what you like, need, want, and don’t want. The best time to set personal boundaries is before they’re being encroached upon.

Two steps for people pleasers:

1. Be honest with yourself with your true feelings and opinions.
2. Share your feelings and opinions with others.

(via Behavioural Psychology)

Uggghhhh

Looking forward to not interacting with human beings for a good 24 hours!

Ouch...

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

This is TOO Adorable.

(via sunshine madness)

Roads Divide. Roads Converge.

It's funny, the thought doesn't depress me quite as much these days and in a weird way actually excites me. In becoming a stranger I potentially have the opportunity to get to know you again one day. Maybe it could be like starting from scratch, all the bullshit aside. People will always wander in and out of life. For a moment in time they are tangible and real, but as quickly as they come in - they are gone. They disappear into the past, into a dream world that you can never be fully sure happened just the way you remember. The past often feels like a dream. Did you happen? You've gone, disappeared, did you ever exist? My connection with you is only a series of thoughts and memories, strung together like a pearl necklace. Did I dream you once upon a time?

Our worlds collide, but only for a moment in time... a moment later you are nothing, but a stranger. You're struggling, like I do, day by day. You're fighting, just like I am, to make it through this life. But not in the same world, not in the same reality. How does it happen? We are living ghosts in a bizarre twist of fate.

 How ever much distance is now between us, the connection can never be fully severed... not for me anyway. Anyone I have known, that has made an impression on me, will forever be a part of me in some way. In a different world, perhaps as a stranger, yet we'll never forget where we hide the spare keys to each other's hearts.

"What do we leave behind when we cross each frontier? Each moment seems split in two; melancholy for what was left behind and the excitement of entering a new land." - The Motorcycle Diaries

Nothing has much meaning, but maybe I just like to make meaning out of nothing. That's how I get by. Tell me, is it possible to feel nostalgia for a world I've never known?

Incredible Music

Janelle Monae's new album is crazy-freaking-amazing. It's all kinds of awesome, on so many levels. It is music that can only be fully appreciated in the completeness of an entire album: adventurous, full-bodied, rich in character, complex. Yes, much like a vintage Bordeaux. "When she genre hops it sounds natural and effortless out of genuine enthusiasm and not just a dilettante looking to feather her cap."

Truth

The wise men say, you'll find your way. They say things fall apart so that other things can fall together. Grasping at straws, grasping for hope. My life is not that bad, why does it feel so hard to make it through the day sometimes?

Maxence Cyrin - Where Is My Mind (The Pixies Piano Cover)

Sometimes I truly do not know!

Disappointment.

Not okay.

Just sucks that some things are out of your control. I guess, pretty much everything is.

I'm just disappointed. Time to...

Dear Uncertainty,

Thanks a lot for also essentially being possibility. I'm a lot more into you when I think of you that way.

♥


(via somewhere on the interwebs)

via garfieldminusgarfield

We're all just...

Entropy.
n., pl., -pies.


The degradation of matter and energy in the universe to an ultimate state of inert uniformity.


Why do we care about anything at all? Why do we love? Why do we miss? Why do we need? It gets tiring. All these feelings and emotions swirling around, alive and very much felt. Where can I put them so they don't overwhelm me?

Something from Nothing is a Quantum Possibility

I believe

I am not sure what I believe in exactly, but I know I believe in... something.

I believe in possibilities.

I believe in the patterns of existence, but also that we have an extraordinary ability to paint these patterns in any fashion, as we see fit. We're not bound by anything other than our own choosing to be confined to the reality we create. I believe this. You have to be patient and not rush art. We are living artistic masterpieces of our own making. The artist and the canvas, the sculptor and the sculpture. Creating and being created simultaneously. You can't fully control or force the outcome of life, so why not relax a little? Relaxing into what IS allows for endless possibilities to form in our consciousness.

This has become a personal realization for me. I am one who by nature wants to know everything, wants every answer instantly and what I want, when I want it. Patience has never been my virtue. I see now that my need to control was what I thought to be a useful coping mechanism. In all actuality this is the thing that has held me back most in life, kept me locked in fear, restrained my vision and full on stressed me the fuck out. Who needs that? Everyone talks about wanting time to slow down, yet it seems we do nothing to curb it's incessant ticking on. There's nothing to be done to make it slow down, but in holding on so tight out of fear we inadvertently push the hands faster and faster around the clock.

Yet. What do I know? To others I am an idealistic, immature, naive little girl. Meh. To you I speak in platitudes and your suffering somehow more valuable than anything I have to offer. I just say, create YOUR masterpiece and experience everything. Suffer if you must, but also live. Laugh, love, hate, smile, cry, hurt, feel, create, fantasize, realize, dream, heaven and hell. Everything is part of everything else, might as well accept it all. Make the movie of your life an epic, unexpected adventure.

Whatever, do what you want. I am not going to quit daydreaming and attempting to live them.

"Many will call me an adventurer - and that I am, only one of a different sort: one of those who risks his skin to prove his platitudes" - Che Guevara

She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts. ~George Eliot

At least that is what I have to tell myself every day.

Must.

Keep.

Hope.

Alive.