ONE!

Successfulish.

I was in the worst of moods all day today, felt so sad, but hanging out with Mara and Altea today made me feel tons better. And I almost didn't go over there. I need to remember that sometimes doing the things I don't feel like doing at all (ie. being around people) is the thing I need to do most. Especially kids. They are so unfazed and completely engrossed in the moment. They could care less about anything that is going on that is not in their immediate vantage point. Gosh, that's got to be me one of these days.

I can only do what feels right, otherwise living with that nagging feeling inside that something is not quite right will drive me insane. It's not right, it's not okay. This is better, this is the only way it could be better - even if what I end up with is the opposite of what I want right now... it will still be better than something that feels not quite right. But maybe. Maybe it will turn out to be exactly what I want. Maybe?

Trust. So, so hard, but I have no choice anymore. The only control I have is over my own measly existence... I have no control over anything that doesn't live inside my head. Will you choose well? I hope you don't wait too long, because life is so short and it moves on regardless of how much time we take. Every step that we take: the one that could be our biggest mistake and we'll never know. That's the risk we take every single day, that we'll never really know. You have to decide if the risk is worth it. Personally? I think it is, but I see the world through rose coloured glasses (when it's not fucking me up) and I see you with those same glasses. To the core, I think we are all intrinsically good. Yet though we have all been dealt a difficult hand and under even the most difficult of circumstances, it is entirely possible to succeed in life and to live well. 'We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.’ I am determined that I will live well!

Please. Fight for what you want, before it's too late. Time passes so quickly and eventually it will run out. What can we do, but just going to keep on trucking and see where we end up? That's all I can do.

It's just so cold and I miss you.