Making me sad. :(
Skipped some important things I needed to do today in favour of a 2 hour chat with an amazing lady I am lucky to know. I wouldn't know her if it weren't for certain people, so I guess some good can come from all the bad. She's a little older, but we're quite a like in many ways and she can relate to this 20-something-mess-of-a-self... The good news? She's in a good place now. She went through the wringer, but in the end learned the tough lessons. Her life gives me courage.
Realizing that I need to stop worrying about other people and focus on fixing my broken self. You'd think that's what I have been doing, but honestly I have not really made the concerted effort I could be. Life is a journey, I know. We'll always be a little broken, or maybe a lot. We'll always have our demons lurking in the shadows. I would at least to get to the point where I understand better why I do all the crazy shit I do... and then I guess eventually quit doing it! This last year and a half has been a definitive peeling off of layers experience, but there's more. In a way, I'd love nothing more than to bury my head in the sand and hope everything just works out magically. Yet, a bigger part of me is sick of the cycle of madness and emotional turmoil.
Something's broken and I need to fix it before I make irreversible bad decisions, that are made solely out of fear. I'm just so tired and raw.
Am I going to survive this? If you're going through hell, keep going. Right?
2 comments:
"irreversible bad decisions made because of fear" -- we all have a handful of those. i am where u are. that split second in any leap between lift off and land(http://www.nls.uk/about/discover-nls/2009/muybridge/pop-ups/horse) ...where all u have is knowledge that somehow gravity will land u on ur two feet. keep the faith. x
That is actually a really interesting analogy. Thanks for that, Ang. :) I guess the problem lies in being in that suspended state for what seems like so long, you don't really have the knowledge that things will ever change or be better. You know that life will go on no matter what, but you wonder if you'll always have to live with that feeling of emptiness and sadness because of certain losses: love, innocence, hope.
I hope you're feeling stronger than I do!
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