Of whatever and such

"Keep hope alive." "Never give up hope." "Where there is life there is hope." I always hear these and I often quote them, but really... why bother? What is hope good for? Hope seems to be just a carrot in front of me, that I am perpetually chasing. It's always in the forefront of my mind and I feel worried or anxious if I forget about it, for a period of time. Addicted to hope. It distracts me from the empty moments and plays like a movie that has to have a happy ending. I don't want to accept that the fantasy I impose on my life, is just that: a fantasy. It's almost like it gives me some assurance that insecurity and pain will somehow be magically exterminated.

I am starting to wonder if I am missing the point of life altogether. Starting now to realize that I have spent years of my life chasing ideals, beliefs, expectations, hope, purpose and meaning. In all honesty, I feel a bit like a dog chasing it's tail. Running in circles, and chasing that carrot, to avoid letting go of this infrastructure that makes me feel safe. But does it? The more I investigate and scrutinize everything that is supposed to make us think we know shit about anything at all, the more they seem like distractions from all that we are afraid of. We will never escape fear, but we try and try and try. If hope could somehow guarantee love and life forever, or whatever, well maybe it would be worth chasing. But it doesn't. The continual dashing of hope, the falling deeper into despair and hopelessness each time. I would much rather be at peace with my insecurities and groundlessness, than artificially cushion my fears with stories that make me feel superficially that I am okay, that I am safe.

Stay with the fear, stay with the pain in your heart, stay with the darkness and eventually you just get used to those being around you. Don't use the fantasy of hope to distract you from right now, because you need this moment and you are cheating yourself out of gaining perspective and of finding real peace in your heart and mind, if you instinctively run for the comfort of your personal daydreams. When you've closed all the emergency exits and you have nowhere to escape to, that's when your amazing superhuman strength can be manifested and when things become clear.

I guess? I don't know anything. This is all one big experiment, but in focusing on the moment, there's really only one thing I can be sure of: I'm starving!