What am I doing?
Day in. Day out.
Maybe I manage my time poorly, but it feels there are not enough hours in the day to do more than perform my minimum responsibilities... work, study, stay alive. Some days are good and I am okay with this. Some days I tell myself that I am doing something of value that I will one day admire as an accomplishment. Then there are days, particularly when the energy of others saps me dry, I am suddenly overwhelmed with the need to change something, to do more, to go somewhere, to do something else, anything. I feel inadequate and behind. I'm almost fucking 30 years old, yet I feel like a child with such simple understanding of the world around me. When do you ever feel like an adult? When do you feel like you might actually know something? I am not a woman, I'm a girl.
Loathing who I am and how insignificant anything I do really is. I hate that I don't offer much at all to the world. Just a lost soul that can't find peace in herself and not much use to anyone else because of it. Maybe I want to be needed? Doesn't everyone? What if no one really needs you? Maybe that should grant me the freedom to go forth and be amazing. I could do anything right now. I still haven't learned to navigate this world, how to make magic happen. But man, I want to! I feel exceptionally good at nothing and just pretty good/okay at some things. How I am doing well in school is baffling. I am like this "pseudo intellectual" of sorts, I can fake it and convince dumb people I am smart[ish]. A lot of people are convinced I am smart, so perhaps I am able to play the roll well, but I know it's a lie. Half the time I am lost and wandering in the dark, unsure of what I think, believe or even feel and the other half I am overcompensating a positive attitude as a means to fake that I might know a little bit about something.
I DON'T.
Read more. Speak less. Hide often. No one deserves to have to subject themselves to me. Except maybe for hugs. Silent hugs.
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