La Vie en Rose

Night descends. The darkness can't be held back as it envelopes the landscape, as far as the eye can see, in pallid shades of black. A daily phenomenon. The retreating sun and the lingering night. I don't spend nearly enough of my waking hours paying attention to these truly incredible occurrences. Much too much time is spent contemplating life on every level, save the very present moment and the present miracle of life that occurs with or without my paying attention. A breath of life, breathed to give life, to create life and without a second thought from myself - the one for whom it gives life. I don't have to ask for it, to work for it, to even realize it exists or desire to exist myself and there it is. Perhaps I take for granted these small miracles. They don't require my approval nor my consent, they happen beyond my awareness, and selflessly persist and exist. Thus I, persist and exist.

Should I ask "What for?" - I'm afraid to ask, but this question likes to linger in the shadow of my consciousness. Living examples of such simple complexity, the processes of life, may I ask what for? For no good reason? Perplexing to imagine that there may be no reason for any of this at all, don't you think? No, maybe let's not ask why anymore. Our human nature longs to have what it can't have. This is nothing new. To demand an answer is to confine nature to a pattern, to give it a textbook definition. Have you noticed that the deeper your desire to know all and have the answers goes, the intenser the anxiety, the greater the fear? Knowing is not our reward. Our reward comes from the acceptance of letting go. Allow the night to fall and the sun will rise tomorrow whether you like it or not.

 You can fight the setting sun, but what good will come of it? Tomorrow, the sun will rise with effortless ease and you'll wake up refreshed. The night must happen. It is not yours to control, it never was, it never will be.

Hush now and sleep in peace through your night.

Roads Divide. Roads Converge.

It's funny, the thought doesn't depress me quite as much these days and in a weird way actually excites me. In becoming a stranger I potentially have the opportunity to get to know you again one day. Maybe it could be like starting from scratch, all the bullshit aside. People will always wander in and out of life. For a moment in time they are tangible and real, but as quickly as they come in - they are gone. They disappear into the past, into a dream world that you can never be fully sure happened just the way you remember. The past often feels like a dream. Did you happen? You've gone, disappeared, did you ever exist? My connection with you is only a series of thoughts and memories, strung together like a pearl necklace. Did I dream you once upon a time?

Our worlds collide, but only for a moment in time... a moment later you are nothing, but a stranger. You're struggling, like I do, day by day. You're fighting, just like I am, to make it through this life. But not in the same world, not in the same reality. How does it happen? We are living ghosts in a bizarre twist of fate.

 How ever much distance is now between us, the connection can never be fully severed... not for me anyway. Anyone I have known, that has made an impression on me, will forever be a part of me in some way. In a different world, perhaps as a stranger, yet we'll never forget where we hide the spare keys to each other's hearts.

We're all just...

Entropy.
n., pl., -pies.


The degradation of matter and energy in the universe to an ultimate state of inert uniformity.


Why do we care about anything at all? Why do we love? Why do we miss? Why do we need? It gets tiring. All these feelings and emotions swirling around, alive and very much felt. Where can I put them so they don't overwhelm me?

I believe

I am not sure what I believe in exactly, but I know I believe in... something.

I believe in possibilities.

I believe in the patterns of existence, but also that we have an extraordinary ability to paint these patterns in any fashion, as we see fit. We're not bound by anything other than our own choosing to be confined to the reality we create. I believe this. You have to be patient and not rush art. We are living artistic masterpieces of our own making. The artist and the canvas, the sculptor and the sculpture. Creating and being created simultaneously. You can't fully control or force the outcome of life, so why not relax a little? Relaxing into what IS allows for endless possibilities to form in our consciousness.

This has become a personal realization for me. I am one who by nature wants to know everything, wants every answer instantly and what I want, when I want it. Patience has never been my virtue. I see now that my need to control was what I thought to be a useful coping mechanism. In all actuality this is the thing that has held me back most in life, kept me locked in fear, restrained my vision and full on stressed me the fuck out. Who needs that? Everyone talks about wanting time to slow down, yet it seems we do nothing to curb it's incessant ticking on. There's nothing to be done to make it slow down, but in holding on so tight out of fear we inadvertently push the hands faster and faster around the clock.

Yet. What do I know? To others I am an idealistic, immature, naive little girl. Meh. To you I speak in platitudes and your suffering somehow more valuable than anything I have to offer. I just say, create YOUR masterpiece and experience everything. Suffer if you must, but also live. Laugh, love, hate, smile, cry, hurt, feel, create, fantasize, realize, dream, heaven and hell. Everything is part of everything else, might as well accept it all. Make the movie of your life an epic, unexpected adventure.

Whatever, do what you want. I am not going to quit daydreaming and attempting to live them.

"Many will call me an adventurer - and that I am, only one of a different sort: one of those who risks his skin to prove his platitudes" - Che Guevara

Meaning-Less-Ness

Dark Nights

They never last forever, but the darkness is so thick and heavy when you're in it. They talk about there being a light at the end of the tunnel, but when you're in that tunnel the words are just that... words. Yet somehow, somehow we have the strength. Inside deep and hidden away. To keep going even when the darkness has almost choked out our existence.

I just feel like the darkness has subsided a little. I feel a little more hopeful. Ugh hopelessness. :( It's awful, awful, awful! Afraid to live, terrified to die. Literally stuck. Breathing, doing, being but not living, merely existing. A waste of a human. I never want to consider myself a waste of oxygen, like I felt with all my heart that I was. God, it was so terrible. I was so scared of everything and everyone. It makes me sad to think back to the very darkest moments and sadder yet to think others are passing through the midnight of their lives right now. It's so hard, so lonely - but it passes. Little by little and day by day. It's still dark, but I can feel some light - I'm sure of it.

You were really two thirds of the problem, but now that you're gone I hope you don't mind I'm going to blame the darkest night of my life on you. It's easier that way for both of us. You don't need me missing you and I don't need me missing you, I'm glad I was so easy for you to let go of. Heartbreak is not something I would wish upon anyone.

I may always wonder... why did you let me go? When one loves so deeply it's hard to fathom how such a feeling can be completely erased from existence. Yet there it goes. It's gone and I know it's gone forever.

Wow, crazy. Forever is such a long time.

And in time I will fade away
In time I won't care what you say
In time, but time takes time you know

I've broken a heart and had mine broken in return - I think it's time to be gentle with myself and everyone around me.

ebb, ebb, ebb, brief-flash-of-flow, more ebb, ebb, ebb

“We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts not breaths; in feelings, not in figures on a dial. We should count time by heart throbs. He most lives who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.”

Thank you Astrology

This is a good day for leaving the humdrum, everyday world and traveling in your mind to a fanciful and pleasantly unreal world.

Don't mind if I do!

Somedays...

She's just trying so hard to be someone that just isn't her. What a crazy, freaking journey this is!

Nothing left to die.

There's nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don't live up until their death...They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think... for them... Most people's deaths are a sham. There's nothing left to die."- C.B.

Sometimes

I wish I wasn't always shrouded in some form of sadness or nagging depression like I have been the last... while. But then, I wonder, would I have had the chance to explore how deep the darkness in my soul can go? I have had the experience of being full of light, of being completely in sync with the universe in blissful happiness. Is it perhaps my time to learn how to live without light? I remember feeling so scared and helpless - hiding in the closet at 4am, afraid of sleep, afraid of being awake. Panic overwhelming me and my sanity being held on only by a thread. I've never experienced such darkness and silence in the universe.

Silence.

A labyrinth of darkness in the silent void of the universe. I am truly alone on this journey - we all are, but I am not longer fearful of this. More than anything I am grateful for these experiences I have gone through as they have collectively stripped my world down to the bare bones. What is important is evident and clear, all the bullshit I was once so worried about has become obsolete and I am at peace ...yet surprisingly not how I would expect peace to feel...

I'm alright, really. Maybe just missing the hugs.

The inevitability

It doesn't scare me like is used to. Death. But thinking how you're gone now, how you've vanished from existence... crazy. I can only come to a place just outside of what you must have felt - I can only peer into your heart and feel the pain you must have felt, from the outside. From the outside looking in, I can all but feel it too. I'm so sorry you suffered! I would try to remove all the pain from the earth if I could, but I am learning now that doing so would be an injustice to many. I am learning to be strong in the face of difficulty, to persevere when the desire to do so is only flickering ember, to take one painful step after painful step. It gets easier. It really does. I never thought I would feel this way.

Maybe not to you? Would saving you have saved your life? Would you have lived your life as a dead soul walking the earth, void of life save a beating heart? Would that have been a worse kind of hell? I like to think that life itself is the greatest gift, but perhaps to some it is death that is cherished. I wouldn't judge you, you chose what you chose. I just wish I could have eased your pain, somehow.

Ahh the feeling of powerlessness is hard to live with. The struggles in life seem to be constant at times. The only thing I can do is ensure that I become stronger and stronger so that I can make it on my own if need be. Your deaths compel me to live, and to live well.

"It always gets rough. It always gets better. Don’t ever delete yourself."

Sweet Sleep

Which way? :(

Run

no way out but up, I guess

Better Times

I feel you - pain in my heart, vice like grip in my chest. Won't you leave? No, stay a while so that I can memorize how much this hurts, how it hurts, why it hurts, where it hurts I can't keep the tears inside, they force their way through like a wild, unruly river. They say it's good to cry and I want to believe them, but the pain gripping my chest? Is this pain just you taking back the pieces of your heart one by one? I can feel each piece as it's removed. Why must you? Please, leave them there... don't go, don't change, don't fade away into nothing! Nothing lasts forever, but I never expected 'nothing' to ever end. OH ENDINGS! I can hardly stand you!

I'll collect these tears to one day make a sparkling necklace of salt crystals.