#thingsthatmakeyougoawww

An amazing birthday surprise to a bus driver from his company in Denmark. He came into work to cover for a worker and this is what they ended up doing for him.

Portland, OR

3 days of meditation, yoga and peace of mind this weekend. I can't wait! I have never been to a retreat before, nor to Portland, so I am pretty stoked.  Yoga was one of my saving graces last year and I think it helped me churn through a lot of emotion. I just feel a lot more aware of what is going on inside of me and more focused inwardly - when I need to be. I do a style of yoga called Amrit Yoga: "meditation in motion, transforming the philosophy of yoga into experiential reality-transcending every aspect of your being. This practice integrates joyful inner stillness with effortless outer action in the world." The daughter of the yogi who founded this method is running the retreat and giving classes. She's lovely!

Unfortunately, I do feel a little under the gun, as finals are coming up next week, but this is when it was happening so there was little choice. Have to take care of the soul and give it priority even if the timing is not ideal. That's the lesson we learn from yoga anyway; "it is a metaphor for life. The skills of mindful attention and meditative awareness you develop on the yoga mat extend to challenges you encounter in life. Painful transition periods, relationships and crises can become opportunities and openings for personal transformation."

I have a new book to read for the drive there and back. Conditions of Love, by John Armstrong which is supposed to be an exquisite philosophical inquiry into the many dimensions of love and intimacy in relationships. Should be fun. :)

NAMASTE!

noʎ ssıɯ

Trentemoller - Miss you |HD| from ozan oz on Vimeo.

Full Screen. Drift.

Cool

I have a real life "astrotwin" with pretty much an identical chart to mine. He found me, and we're friends now. He lives in Berlin.

Internet, you're kinda cool sometimes.

And Yes

I do believe that in a world which cannot fully satisfy the human spirit and a world that leaves each of us with a gaping void, you are at liberty to superimpose whatever experience you wish into something that is healthy, does not harm yourself or anyone else.

You also have permission to distract yourself and escape from your current emotional state, for a moment of reprieve, a moment to breathe. And yes, you also have permission to feed, overload and deluge your emotional state, if need be, if doing otherwise would overwhelm you. As if our emotions are something bad or evil that we should keep under a lock and key? They hold the secrets to surviving and thriving and should be fully explored by whatever means works for you. Dive into music, art, dance, self expression, poetry, fantasy, creativity of any kind. The point is to get whatever's inside there, outside. Things you may not even know you had in you. Suppressed... repressed - no good can come from either of these...

Just be gentle and kind to yourself and to others. As Plato once said, we're all fighting a hard battle.

Meaning.

The complications of love, the struggle to "find our purpose", incessantly wrestling our demons. What all for? Can't help but feel life is rather pointless in most every way imaginable.

Yet somehow there is... music. What is it even? Music is the strangest thing. Sounds that fill you with intangible hope, that express your innermost fears and desires when words fail. When people fail. It's not something you can touch, feel or describe in a way that makes sense to anyone else -- other than how it touches you, how it makes you feel, personally. Your experience, is yours.

Music is made of magic. It will never break your heart... it will assuage an implacable soul and soothe your mind and body, when nothing else can.

At least. AT LEAST we have that.

Carry on.

LCD Soundsystem @ Sasquatch 2010

LCD Soundsystem got the ENTIRE Main Stage in a moment of synchronized dancing. *sigh* (happy sigh :)  ) We only live once people! do/experience/live what you love, always.

(via abeautifulrevolution)

Sasquatch 2010

I'll be here for the next few days. I ALMOST didn't go. Glad I didn't give into my Pisces moodiness and sell my ticket. (Although I would have been able to sell them for 3x what I bought them for... hmmm )

I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed this.

Feeling Perplexed

Feeling overwhelmed.

It's just another day.

Ugghh but all the things that break us, are the things that will make us strong. Must. Learn. To. Love. Them.

(via mareodomo )

Purpose is the Place Where Your Deep Gladness Meets the World’s Needs

The book: “North Node Astrology” starts out with the quote:

“Purpose is the place where your deep gladness meets the world’s needs.” Frederick Buechner spoke those words years ago, which I now juxtapose with a quote by author, Andrew Harvey: “Be thankful that you live in a time so terrible, it will lead you to your authentic Self.”

The holding of this kind of terrible opposition is the “tension of opposites” that Carl Jung spoke about when he spoke of God, or the “transcendent function.” He once said that God is beyond ideas of good and evil, and is more than the “coincidentia oppositorum”—he felt that it was in the holding of such oppositions as great despair and great hope that we create the spaciousness for the alchemy of our transformation. In the holding of the opposites, we make room for God or the transcendent function in the Soul, the psyche.

It is here in the holding of such opposites, such as where your heart breaks and where your heart finds joy—here is where “the numinous third” can arise – the midpoint between the two opposing positions. Jung tended to counsel “waiting” and a patient holding of the opposites in the crucible of our psyche. When we hold our love and pain together, what can arise is a gift of grace: the point which is the center of the mandala. This is what Jung saw as the third unseen possibility/option which is unfelt at first. Like a gift of grace, it arises of its own accord.

And yet does this create a“passivity” within us? I suspect it could, except in these days when our culture leans towards acting out. Perhaps the “third” that arises is a summons towards compassionate action. We hear that expressed in the Sufi poet, Rumi—as Andrew Harvey expresses it so well: “Rumi is a lion of passion trying to teach a humanity of depressed sheep how to roar… to roar with divine love.” Rumi would have us crawl out from under the dirty blanket of denial to ignite the passion—a passion that has the intensity to birth something truly new.

So isn’t Rumi really asking us to rise to another level of intensity—of radical commitment to ourselves and to our values? Reading his poetry he begs and cajoles us to act on our beliefs and loves—but eventually the only respite that came to him from his painful yearning for his beloved, was to become the Beloved. He held the tension of the opposites within himself, until like Jung believed, the opposites yielded a third: he eventually found within himself the union of opposites.

(via Elizabeth Spring)

“Be thankful that you live in a time so terrible, it will lead you to your authentic Self.”

A Challenge to Myself

Channel your misery into something productive...

Nature Has a Way

of making things feel... okay. Even an angry, raging volcano. It has the potential for so much death and destruction, yet somehow it casts a shadow of peace and calm on a troubled soul.  Eyjafjallajökul.

Iceland, Eyjafjallajökull - May 1st and 2nd, 2010 from Sean Stiegemeier on Vimeo.

Music: Jónsi - Kolniður

?

                 Faith?

          Faith? 

             Faith?

      Faith?

Faith?


What are you, anyhow? You're weird and dumb. I don't understand what you're good for. 

Saturn

Gotta remember you're going to be bugging/kicking my ass for the rest of the year. With my realization that I know nothing about anything, I can't say I have faith in anything, including astrology. The only consolation I get from it is that at least it helps me rationalize insanity, when it's hitting. If I have blame the stars, well so be it. I need some reprieve or I'll lose my mind, give me a break!

This is definitely relevant:

- Saturn Conjunct Saturn -

Consciously or unconsciously, you are pruning your life of everything that is not relevant to what you really are as a human being. If this process is not happening consciously, you may experience a sense of loss for the elements of your life that are coming to an end now. However, do not dwell upon these losses, for they are necessary in order to clear the decks for the major period of action in your life. 

This is a time of endings and new beginnings. If you have built your life up to now around activities that are inappropriate for you, it will be a period of crisis. 

Endings. Crisis. That's me in a nutshell.  

Dear Lord

I might actually have to say a prayer tonight.

God, or whoever, please ensure this guy ends up liking my sister. Once and for all. I NEED SOME PEACE!

So... Tired... Of... Everything

What am I doing?

Day in. Day out.

Maybe I manage my time poorly, but it feels there are not enough hours in the day to do more than perform my minimum responsibilities...  work, study, stay alive. Some days are good and I am okay with this. Some days I tell myself that I am doing something of value that I will one day admire as an accomplishment. Then there are days, particularly when the energy of others saps me dry, I am suddenly overwhelmed with the need to change something, to do more, to go somewhere, to  do something else, anything. I feel inadequate and behind. I'm almost fucking 30 years old, yet I feel like a child with such simple understanding of the world around me. When do you ever feel like an adult? When do you feel like you might actually know something?  I am not a woman, I'm a girl.

Loathing who I am and how insignificant anything I do really is. I hate that I don't offer much at all to the world. Just a lost soul that can't find peace in herself and not much use to anyone else because of it. Maybe I want to be needed? Doesn't everyone? What if no one really needs you? Maybe that should grant me the freedom to go forth and be amazing. I could do anything right now. I still haven't learned to navigate this world, how to make magic happen. But man, I want to! I feel exceptionally good at nothing and just pretty good/okay at some things. How I am doing well in school is baffling. I am like this "pseudo intellectual" of sorts, I can fake it and convince dumb people I am smart[ish]. A lot of people are convinced I am smart, so perhaps I am able to play the roll well, but I know it's a lie.  Half the time I am lost and wandering in the dark, unsure of what I think, believe or even feel and the other half I am overcompensating a positive attitude as a means to fake that I might know a little bit about something.

I DON'T.

Read more. Speak less. Hide often. No one deserves to have to subject themselves to me. Except maybe for hugs. Silent hugs.

99 - Magnifying Glass... VIII

(via salihagir.deviantart)

The Place You Left

It's not like

you weren't warned

about starting

on The Path, dear one.

Now, of course,

it's far too late,

no going back,

you can never return.

The person you were,

the place you left,

no longer exist. 

The Disease to Please

I still need a lot of help with this:

Collapsed Boundaries
Personal boundaries can become weak or even nonexistent. The proverbial “doormat” has collapsed boundaries -- and may be a victim of psychological bullying. If you have collapsed boundaries, you may:

• Say yes to all requests because you fear rejection and abandonment.
• Tolerate abuse or disrespectful treatment.
• Feel you deserve to be treated poorly.
• Avoid conflict.
• Have no sense of who you are or what you feel, need, want and think.
• Not see flaws or weaknesses in others.
• Focus on pleasing those around you.
• Take on the feelings of others.

Healthy Boundaries
Healthy personal boundaries are evident and effective when you know who you are, and you treat yourself and others with respect. If you have healthy boundaries, you may:

• Feel free to say yes or no without guilt, anger or fear.
• Refuse to tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• Know when a problem is yours or another person’s – and refuse to take on others’ problems.
• Have a strong sense of identity.
• Respect yourself.
• Share responsibility with others, and expect reciprocity in relationships.
• Feel freedom, security, peace, joy and confidence.

People pleasers need to work on setting healthy boundaries -- it's the only way to overcome the "disease to please"!

How Do You Set Healthy Boundaries?

Setting healthy boundaries involves taking care of yourself and knowing what you like, need, want, and don’t want. The best time to set personal boundaries is before they’re being encroached upon.

Two steps for people pleasers:

1. Be honest with yourself with your true feelings and opinions.
2. Share your feelings and opinions with others.

(via Behavioural Psychology)

Uggghhhh

Looking forward to not interacting with human beings for a good 24 hours!

Ouch...

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

This is TOO Adorable.

(via sunshine madness)

Roads Divide. Roads Converge.

It's funny, the thought doesn't depress me quite as much these days and in a weird way actually excites me. In becoming a stranger I potentially have the opportunity to get to know you again one day. Maybe it could be like starting from scratch, all the bullshit aside. People will always wander in and out of life. For a moment in time they are tangible and real, but as quickly as they come in - they are gone. They disappear into the past, into a dream world that you can never be fully sure happened just the way you remember. The past often feels like a dream. Did you happen? You've gone, disappeared, did you ever exist? My connection with you is only a series of thoughts and memories, strung together like a pearl necklace. Did I dream you once upon a time?

Our worlds collide, but only for a moment in time... a moment later you are nothing, but a stranger. You're struggling, like I do, day by day. You're fighting, just like I am, to make it through this life. But not in the same world, not in the same reality. How does it happen? We are living ghosts in a bizarre twist of fate.

 How ever much distance is now between us, the connection can never be fully severed... not for me anyway. Anyone I have known, that has made an impression on me, will forever be a part of me in some way. In a different world, perhaps as a stranger, yet we'll never forget where we hide the spare keys to each other's hearts.

"What do we leave behind when we cross each frontier? Each moment seems split in two; melancholy for what was left behind and the excitement of entering a new land." - The Motorcycle Diaries

Nothing has much meaning, but maybe I just like to make meaning out of nothing. That's how I get by. Tell me, is it possible to feel nostalgia for a world I've never known?

Incredible Music

Janelle Monae's new album is crazy-freaking-amazing. It's all kinds of awesome, on so many levels. It is music that can only be fully appreciated in the completeness of an entire album: adventurous, full-bodied, rich in character, complex. Yes, much like a vintage Bordeaux. "When she genre hops it sounds natural and effortless out of genuine enthusiasm and not just a dilettante looking to feather her cap."

Truth

The wise men say, you'll find your way. They say things fall apart so that other things can fall together. Grasping at straws, grasping for hope. My life is not that bad, why does it feel so hard to make it through the day sometimes?

Maxence Cyrin - Where Is My Mind (The Pixies Piano Cover)

Sometimes I truly do not know!

Disappointment.

Not okay.

Just sucks that some things are out of your control. I guess, pretty much everything is.

I'm just disappointed. Time to...

Dear Uncertainty,

Thanks a lot for also essentially being possibility. I'm a lot more into you when I think of you that way.

♥


(via somewhere on the interwebs)

via garfieldminusgarfield

We're all just...

Entropy.
n., pl., -pies.


The degradation of matter and energy in the universe to an ultimate state of inert uniformity.


Why do we care about anything at all? Why do we love? Why do we miss? Why do we need? It gets tiring. All these feelings and emotions swirling around, alive and very much felt. Where can I put them so they don't overwhelm me?

Something from Nothing is a Quantum Possibility

I believe

I am not sure what I believe in exactly, but I know I believe in... something.

I believe in possibilities.

I believe in the patterns of existence, but also that we have an extraordinary ability to paint these patterns in any fashion, as we see fit. We're not bound by anything other than our own choosing to be confined to the reality we create. I believe this. You have to be patient and not rush art. We are living artistic masterpieces of our own making. The artist and the canvas, the sculptor and the sculpture. Creating and being created simultaneously. You can't fully control or force the outcome of life, so why not relax a little? Relaxing into what IS allows for endless possibilities to form in our consciousness.

This has become a personal realization for me. I am one who by nature wants to know everything, wants every answer instantly and what I want, when I want it. Patience has never been my virtue. I see now that my need to control was what I thought to be a useful coping mechanism. In all actuality this is the thing that has held me back most in life, kept me locked in fear, restrained my vision and full on stressed me the fuck out. Who needs that? Everyone talks about wanting time to slow down, yet it seems we do nothing to curb it's incessant ticking on. There's nothing to be done to make it slow down, but in holding on so tight out of fear we inadvertently push the hands faster and faster around the clock.

Yet. What do I know? To others I am an idealistic, immature, naive little girl. Meh. To you I speak in platitudes and your suffering somehow more valuable than anything I have to offer. I just say, create YOUR masterpiece and experience everything. Suffer if you must, but also live. Laugh, love, hate, smile, cry, hurt, feel, create, fantasize, realize, dream, heaven and hell. Everything is part of everything else, might as well accept it all. Make the movie of your life an epic, unexpected adventure.

Whatever, do what you want. I am not going to quit daydreaming and attempting to live them.

"Many will call me an adventurer - and that I am, only one of a different sort: one of those who risks his skin to prove his platitudes" - Che Guevara

She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts. ~George Eliot

At least that is what I have to tell myself every day.

Must.

Keep.

Hope.

Alive.

Happy Birthday!

This was the best, funniest picture I could find of you. =) You are amazing and wonderful!! I know I say that a lot (I hope I say that a lot), but man it's true! We've come so far down the same road - on different paths, yet always mentally synced. Somehow we just *get* each other. Lovely people have come and gone from my life, but you are a constant.

Thank you for being born.

(the Florecita to my Rokera)

Somewhere from the edge of time /
When the poets die & words don't rhyme /
I will call you up and say /
Somehow we made it out okay.

It all Comes Full Circle. Huh.

A soon coming end to the winter of wonderland, for in more ways than one has Narnia been my abode.


A haze at first, I now see that with time the colors of the sky are once again bleeding into each other - somewhere in the stillness I sense the inaudible voice of light whisper:


Yet a little while.


No longer broken, for the fragments that once were have been smashed to smithereens - no longer splinters of the frame that held my illusions, for they too have risen in flames - the fire of acceptance.


And all these which I feared to be remnants and shadows forever to haunt have instead returned from whence they came and do now exist as invisible entities whose pulsating presence breathe life to this ever changing heart.


Though once I waited, there is no longer reason to prolong or delay, for all this is indeed nothing more than the beginning of that which is to be.


That which is now, that which has been, and that which I will choose.


Can love and time coexist or are they destined to be forever at odds?


Is love not subject to time or is time which is indifferent to love?


No matter.


I say one cannot have one without the other, more so, that the acceptance of the limitations which time does represent in this mortal realm and the realization that these be but for a season, is once again nothing more than the first step to beginning a journey of discovery.


Love in this life.


To seek out or let myself be found by that which is destined to live on forever, is a journey I intend not to miss.


Elude? what for?


I shall enjoy every step of the way.


(via beuribek.blogspot.com)

And After All...

I might still believe in love. How can I not? What else is there that is real? That is tangible? That makes the most sense, even when it doesn't? Actually, it rarely makes sense. It can break you down, take you to the darkest and scariest places you've ever experienced, it can potentially kill you. Yet somehow it's the most beautiful perplexity one could hope to experience. It's the one thing we crave sometimes more than our own breath. What strange creatures we are.

Love, wherever you are hiding right now. I'll find you... one day.

Your Thoughts on God

"I came to think that maybe God was what you believed in because you needed to feel you weren’t alone. Maybe God was simply that part of yourself that was always there and always strong, even when you were not."
— Augusten Burroughs

Congratulations

You've officially failed.

Well done!

:(

Meaning-Less-Ness

It's perfect!

She's my intergalactic soul-mate. You make the world a better place for me, thank you. :)

Dark Nights

They never last forever, but the darkness is so thick and heavy when you're in it. They talk about there being a light at the end of the tunnel, but when you're in that tunnel the words are just that... words. Yet somehow, somehow we have the strength. Inside deep and hidden away. To keep going even when the darkness has almost choked out our existence.

I just feel like the darkness has subsided a little. I feel a little more hopeful. Ugh hopelessness. :( It's awful, awful, awful! Afraid to live, terrified to die. Literally stuck. Breathing, doing, being but not living, merely existing. A waste of a human. I never want to consider myself a waste of oxygen, like I felt with all my heart that I was. God, it was so terrible. I was so scared of everything and everyone. It makes me sad to think back to the very darkest moments and sadder yet to think others are passing through the midnight of their lives right now. It's so hard, so lonely - but it passes. Little by little and day by day. It's still dark, but I can feel some light - I'm sure of it.

You were really two thirds of the problem, but now that you're gone I hope you don't mind I'm going to blame the darkest night of my life on you. It's easier that way for both of us. You don't need me missing you and I don't need me missing you, I'm glad I was so easy for you to let go of. Heartbreak is not something I would wish upon anyone.

I may always wonder... why did you let me go? When one loves so deeply it's hard to fathom how such a feeling can be completely erased from existence. Yet there it goes. It's gone and I know it's gone forever.

Wow, crazy. Forever is such a long time.

And in time I will fade away
In time I won't care what you say
In time, but time takes time you know

I've broken a heart and had mine broken in return - I think it's time to be gentle with myself and everyone around me.

ebb, ebb, ebb, brief-flash-of-flow, more ebb, ebb, ebb

“We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts not breaths; in feelings, not in figures on a dial. We should count time by heart throbs. He most lives who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.”

Thank you Astrology

This is a good day for leaving the humdrum, everyday world and traveling in your mind to a fanciful and pleasantly unreal world.

Don't mind if I do!

I miss

Being physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, pathetically connected to another human being. Harder than facing the world, is doing so when my reasons are forced to come from within, alone.

To feel charged and energized after perfectly syncing to another human soul... loneliness, you're teaching me to survive without my lifeblood. I wonder if this is healthy or just pushing me further into my own personal void.

I'm trying to force myself not to close up too much, but things keep happening that make me wonder how much more I can handle. The world can be so cruel, so unnecessarily cruel. There's so much to understand and yet so few answers to all my questions. I'm caught in a vicious cycle of wanting to know, of asking the unanswerable, of sinking into hopelessness when I can't find what I'm looking for. None of this mattered before, why does it matter now? Why do I feel like I'm just not exactly cut out for this world sometimes? Everything is so intense and I don't feel strong enough to bear the weight of my emotions. Aghhhh why why whyyyy. I can't stop asking why. :(

Lately, I just want to hide away from it all. And listen to this song.

Just Want to Disappear Completely.

In a little while.
I'll be gone.
The moment's already passed.
Yeah it's gone.
And I'm not here.
This isn't happening.
I'm not here.

Small Moments of Serenity

Life's pretty good when you let yourself enjoy it and quit having something to worry about constantly. Self imposed. Naturally.

I'm enjoying my homemade cappuccino and toast with butter and orange marmalade. If you ever wanted to know my ideal morning comfort food, well now you know. Just something about the combination on a peaceful morning that asks me "why worry?", a question unspoken that resonates the expansive hollow of my mind. I'll ponder for a moment, as the distant 10am church bells peal a faint chime and shrug off with a little "hmph." as if to say "I'll be darned, I'm quite ok!"

A perfect blend of hushed comotion; the reassuring sounds everyday life; a soft, cool breeze fluttering through the blinds; chattering folks at the corner sandwhich shop; a street lamp post that anchors my view of the occasional passing of a lone bicycle or that little old chinese man that collects recycleables all down the street.

I often find myself in this very position again and again. Always appreciating anew a familiar experience I might one day take for granted, but for the time being it is now that I, again, find salvation of peace of mind - just for a moment.

There are always moments when one feels empty and estranged. Such moments are most desirable, for it means the soul has cast its moorings and is sailing for distant places. This is detachment-- when the old is over and the new has not yet come. If you are afraid the state may be distressing, but there is really nothing to be afraid of. Remember the instruction: What ever you come across--go beyond.

- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Somedays...

She's just trying so hard to be someone that just isn't her. What a crazy, freaking journey this is!

I must!

I think it is time I let you go, and that is so hard to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life, but the daydreaming, the running in place it's not healthy. So this is me, cutting the cord. This is me ... saying goodbye.

...I think...

Nothing left to die.

There's nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don't live up until their death...They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think... for them... Most people's deaths are a sham. There's nothing left to die."- C.B.

Happy Birthday Me!! :D

I Want to Feel

A flat line of emotionless wasteland. It's the hardest place for me to be. I don't like to feel sad, but I want to feel and if sadness is the only emotion I can muster - well, then it will have to do. I want to learn to be happy without the need for someone or something to be there to create happiness. He was part of what felt like the great balance in my life, but really the loss of him is an excuse to grieve... the loss of my world, my balance, my religion. How does one replace an entire identity?

Learning the hardest lessons in life right now. Here's hoping I make it!

For a Minute There

I lost myself.

Ahh Love

A Way Back In

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away...
just in case I ever need them again someday

What a Brilliant Bloodline I Have

My little sister's supporting evidence to her claim, in our "great" "debate", that less meat = more cookies. I ::heart:: her :)

Sometimes

I wish I wasn't always shrouded in some form of sadness or nagging depression like I have been the last... while. But then, I wonder, would I have had the chance to explore how deep the darkness in my soul can go? I have had the experience of being full of light, of being completely in sync with the universe in blissful happiness. Is it perhaps my time to learn how to live without light? I remember feeling so scared and helpless - hiding in the closet at 4am, afraid of sleep, afraid of being awake. Panic overwhelming me and my sanity being held on only by a thread. I've never experienced such darkness and silence in the universe.

Silence.

A labyrinth of darkness in the silent void of the universe. I am truly alone on this journey - we all are, but I am not longer fearful of this. More than anything I am grateful for these experiences I have gone through as they have collectively stripped my world down to the bare bones. What is important is evident and clear, all the bullshit I was once so worried about has become obsolete and I am at peace ...yet surprisingly not how I would expect peace to feel...

I'm alright, really. Maybe just missing the hugs.

Sweet Tears

The soul would have no rainbow had no tears filled your eyes.
Falling raindrops colour the skies.
The diamonds of a broken heart are tears crystallized.
The sunlight sparkles in those teary eyes.

I Miss

The people I love...

...but I'm afraid we've drifted too far apart.

Where did you end?

Madness

I feel like i should be a depressed hermit holed up for winter, writing woeful poetry about the long, cold winter that is life. But the sun is shining, it's almost 60 degrees out and I can't help but feel awkwardly happy. Nature, why dost thou confuse me so?

Expression

By Scott Garner: http://www.etsy.com/shop/jungalero

...but for little moments in time, it's not all so heavy. I hope you are smiling... wherever you are.

I Know Everything About You

For all my life I've tried to hide
The animal in me
Now it's time to open up
and breathe, and breathe

Setting sail

Letting go of the old, embracing the new. Happy month of Pisces.

Free Thursdays in Seattle

From my outing pleasures.

If you like free and you like museums here's a list of all the museums I know of that offer free admission on the first Thursday of each month, along with their 'free' hours that day.

Burke Museum of Natural History and Culture * 10:00 am - 8:00 pm * http://www.washington.edu/burkemuseum

Experience Music Project * 5:00 pm - 8:00 pm * http://www.empsfm.org

Henry Art Gallery * 11:00 am - 8:00 pm * http://www.henryart.org

Museum of Flight * 10:00 am - 9:00 pm * http://www.museumofflight.org

Museum of History and Industry * 10:00 am - 8:00 pm * http://www.seattlehistory.org

Northwest African American Museum * 11:00 am - 7:00 pm * http://www.naamnw.org

Science Fiction Museum and Hall of Fame * 5:00 pm - 8:00 pm * http://www.empsfm.org

Seattle Art Museum * 10:00 am - 9:00 pm * http://www.seattleartmuseum.org

Seattle Asian Art Museum * 10:00 am - 9:00 pm * http://www.seattleartmuseum.org

Wing Luke * 10:00 am - 8:00 pm * Website Link

Tacoma Art Museum * offers extended hours and free admission every third Thursday of the month. * Website Link

Also the Museum of Glass in Tacoma also has free admission on the 3rd Thursday of each month from *5:00 pm - 8:00 pm* http://www.museumofglass.org

And the Bellevue Arts Museum is free the first Friday of each month from *10:00 am - 9:00 pm* http://www.bellevuearts.org

Yuck Feah!

What is it like?

Just leaves blowing in the wind now. How can love turn into dust? It should be the thing we fight for more than life itself, but we let it go. We allow it to fade. We let it become extinct. Some days I feel like a part of me has died and has been buried. I can no longer look at my life the way I used to. I know I'll survive this, but - at night especially - there's a cloud weighing on me and it's heavy.

I want to learn to love the journey alone. I want to learn to forget you. I love you... help me say goodbye...

The inevitability

It doesn't scare me like is used to. Death. But thinking how you're gone now, how you've vanished from existence... crazy. I can only come to a place just outside of what you must have felt - I can only peer into your heart and feel the pain you must have felt, from the outside. From the outside looking in, I can all but feel it too. I'm so sorry you suffered! I would try to remove all the pain from the earth if I could, but I am learning now that doing so would be an injustice to many. I am learning to be strong in the face of difficulty, to persevere when the desire to do so is only flickering ember, to take one painful step after painful step. It gets easier. It really does. I never thought I would feel this way.

Maybe not to you? Would saving you have saved your life? Would you have lived your life as a dead soul walking the earth, void of life save a beating heart? Would that have been a worse kind of hell? I like to think that life itself is the greatest gift, but perhaps to some it is death that is cherished. I wouldn't judge you, you chose what you chose. I just wish I could have eased your pain, somehow.

Ahh the feeling of powerlessness is hard to live with. The struggles in life seem to be constant at times. The only thing I can do is ensure that I become stronger and stronger so that I can make it on my own if need be. Your deaths compel me to live, and to live well.

"It always gets rough. It always gets better. Don’t ever delete yourself."

Sweet Sleep

It's Too Late

You can't help it. Happy Birthday. xx

closed

Maybe she's different from the others.

How different?

I don't know.

For the Broken Hearted

And we will find that wherever we step, the path appears beneath our feet

Which way? :(

Coming home

Any day now...

Coming home.

Take Care

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? I've been walking for miles and the only light I find comes from cracks in the walls. I run towards it thinking it's finally here, but the source of light is just... a tiny crack.

In a time warp. I can't see ahead. I try so hard to keep my eyes on the present moment, to stop fearing what does (or doesn't lie ahead), but sometimes I become so consumed. So overwhelmed with emotion so heavy all I can do is cry and cry and cry. Trapped in despair, living moments of peacefulness. Up, smashed down, weakly rising to stand yet again. The weight is so heavy I can barely carry it.

Weak and rejected. Worn out and crestfallen. There is nothing to do but to feel this, feel this struggle with every fiber of my being. You won't win and you can't defeat me. Even if all I do is run for cracks in the wall, I will run. What else can I do? I can't give up, because I don't know my enemy's face. To whom will I surrender? The raging thoughts in my head that push me down, down, down to the depths of despair? A coward with no face.

I am. I am! So hopeless, but I still have... this. What? I have nothing. But something is still there. What is it? It is just what it is; it is life, it is breath. I can feel it... this pounding against my heart ...THIS is me. Undefined and unexplainable. It is life and life will live on. It has no choice.

Softly she whispers, "keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going" "as the road divides you must walk, you must walk, you must walk, you must..

...let go"

Run

And so it is

You're fading from me. The light is fading, the candle nearly burned. Oh, it's just flickering against the thick black night. Soon the darkness will be here and the long cold winter. I only pray that I'll truly say "let it be", but it's so hard to just. let. go. The remembering is difficult, but the forgetting is worse.

They say heartbreak is painful, have you felt that? The pain in your chest, at the thought of times passed or of memories lost, the tightened grip squeezing your heart threatening to cease the beating life force. Don't wish for it, but like it or not, it will find you. No experience has been more difficult, not broken me more, nor brought me to my knees in full surrender of my hopes and dreams than this....

It is. It is really over and will never be again.

Never. Be. Again.
Never. Be. Again.
Never. Be. Again.

Those words drive a thousand knives into my heart...

But here I am. The world is still turning. Somehow, life goes on and by no effort of my own it just goes. It's just not the same as it was; a new puzzle of an even newer nature, but this time the pieces have at least quadrupled and I haven't found the corner pieces yet. If I could understand you better, life, we'd probably be great friends - maybe I just need to get to know you. You're kind of an asshole tho, so hopefully you have a good explanation one of these days. For your sake.

So, I'll walk through the streets and smile at the lone passersby. No words, just a smile. That's all I have for you world. I don't have a lot left to say, but I think you'll appreciate this. I've said too much already. I've put you down, criticized you harshly, insulted, flattered and despised you. Yes, the time has come to hold my peace, yet I will leave my peace to the Universe to absorb; my tears, my breath, my innermost fears, my love and the unspoken stillness in my heart. The spoken word pales next to the emotional expression of a melody or the light shining from your eyes. Why compete with perfection?

Smiles and music.

Yep, sounds about right.




...just really wish you were here... sigh

no way out but up, I guess

A good reminder

Resentment builds and is a vicious cycle - "I'm not getting what I want/need, so I refuse to give you anything you want/need" Communication is broken, people either don't discuss the tough issues or they don't listen each other. Fights and arguments just make people shutdown and react in an automatic way.

A relationship is an entity - a living, breathing thing. You can't just create one and let it exist, believing it will survive and thrive on it's own. You have to be actively involved in making it work, just being present isn't enough.

Better Times

I feel you - pain in my heart, vice like grip in my chest. Won't you leave? No, stay a while so that I can memorize how much this hurts, how it hurts, why it hurts, where it hurts I can't keep the tears inside, they force their way through like a wild, unruly river. They say it's good to cry and I want to believe them, but the pain gripping my chest? Is this pain just you taking back the pieces of your heart one by one? I can feel each piece as it's removed. Why must you? Please, leave them there... don't go, don't change, don't fade away into nothing! Nothing lasts forever, but I never expected 'nothing' to ever end. OH ENDINGS! I can hardly stand you!

I'll collect these tears to one day make a sparkling necklace of salt crystals.

A nagging feeling

...that I can't let go of.

I am not where I am supposed to be.

the time has come

for all good things to come to an end. in a sense, there are chapters in my life that are closed and others that are waiting to be opened. this particular blog needs to end but the tumultuous story will remain as a reminder. it will be something that I will be able to look back on in the years to come and think, "What a foolish, foolish child I was." ...mind you I was also pretty damn AWESOME! Dontchooferget!

if you want to know about me, well hey you should just ask me. And if not, well then you ain't missing out on nothing.

you are the ever living ghost of what once was...

Oh, my day is better now!

I'm laughing out loud. :D

Cheers everyone!

a song for me and my lil soul

Watchin' a stretch of road, miles of light explode.
Driftin' off a thing i'd never done before
Watchin' a crowd roll in. out go the lights it begins.
A feelin' in my bones i never felt before.
People always told me. that bars are dark and lonely
And talk is often cheap and filled with air.
Sure sometimes they thrill me
But nothin' could ever chill me.
Like the way they make the time just disappear
Feelin' you are here again. hot on my skin again.
Feelin good a thing i'd never known before
What does it mean to feel?
Millions of dreams come real
A feelin' in my soul i'd never felt before.
And you always told me.
No matter how long it holds me if it falls apart
Or makes us millonaires. you'll be right here forever.
We'll go thru this thing together
And on heaven's golden shore we'll lay our heads

that feeling you have when you decide that life just is. It just is. You know? Yeah...

Wouldn't it be interesting...

if hypnosis really worked? Hehe. I haven't researched it and even if I did, I really don't think I'd get around to it. Maybe I should though and make sure they ask me questions that I'm too scared to answer in a conscious state. I don't think I am 100% honest with myself and even when I try to (or at least I think I am)I still don't ever come to a solid consensus about what the meaning of my life is. For some reason, I don't really know how to do it though! Is this normal? I feel like I am blessed with tremendous ability (to do something), but cursed with infinite choices. Figuring out what I should do with my life in constantly on my mind.

I find safety in the past and I always seem to look to the past for my answers, for my security. The past is comforting because I went through it and I came out the other end. Of course it took me going through it coming out the other end okay to become my comfort, not the going through it part. Looking forward to the future is such a hard thing to do and I am boggled by all I want to do.

How does one slow down, focus and get there?

What is life?

“It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.”

Sights

Quick snap going down the escalator

A break in the passing crowds

Interesting angle I suppose

Scuury

Police helicopters are flying over head announcing that there is a wanted criminal in the area and to please be cautious! Man! I was just enjoying having all the doors and windows open on this beautiful day while I work on my homework and now I have to close them! Sigh, I suppose a small sacrifice for the sake of safety might be a legitimate.

C'mon Emma!!!

Back to the grind...

PS Can someone tell me why it's SO hard to start an essay?

So I obviously don't really know how to use my camera. It's only by chance that any of the pics turn out since I'm like adjust, adjust, point, shoot.... "oh crap" delete, adjust adjust, point, shoot.... "aha! but what did I do??"

Luchi I need some pointers!!

Here and here are samples of pictures taken with my camera... so it can be done!!

HBD

2 u.

Although u don't really deserve my remembering since you clearly forgot mine, I did. Probably only because part of your birth date happens to be something to do with a password I have for something... or something. So don't feel tooo lucky. :P

San Francisco. Yesterday pops and I took BART (the metro system out here) into downtown and trekked around for most of the day. Although I don't usually do the "touristy" thing, I much prefer finding the gems that are somewhere off the beaten path, it was fun to do this time! I got some halfway decent shots which I will post later on.

It's a beautiful day today. No need to miss out on it!

Smile and everything around you will be beautiful!

xoxo

Hello :)

The ups and downs have felt like a roller coaster lately. I almost want to keep everything I think to myself, because I can't ensure my feelings won't change. As perplexed as I can become, I have gotten good at looking at the bright side and sometimes I just need to remind myself (or be reminded) that the world is a lot bigger and more beautiful than my petty problems. In saying this I am not discounting my right to feel what I feel, but in having felt the internal metamorphosis taking place when I put on a smiling face or think positively despite how I feel, there is no need to immerse myself in all my fears and worries.

Next week is going to be great! My dad is flying into San Francisco for a visit. It has been a few years now since we last saw him, the last time being around the time I arrived in Denver way back when. Wow, time has flown! I can't believe that it has been almost 3 years! A little scary actually. Anyway, Monday evening I will be taking the train out there to spend the week. I just loooove taking the train when ever I can. It's a little pricey, $15 or so each way, but the views and scenery on the route are spectacular and impossible to enjoy in the same way traveling by car. I am needing a change of scenery and some great company for a few days. The past few months I have just been working and studying seemingly without end and now I am feeling effects of solitariness: quite depressing! I need my fix of cuteness that is Altea!!! Don't kids make the world a happier place? Especially adorable ones like her! I swear, I could sit around ALL day and just watch her do her thing and I would be set for life. I don't need anything else in my life. Haha.

Oh my time is up. back to the grind! I will leave you with a silly video clip from our last visit to Mike and Kristina's. Love and miss you all! xoxoxox


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