It doesn't scare me like is used to. Death. But thinking how you're gone now, how you've vanished from existence... crazy. I can only come to a place just outside of what you must have felt - I can only peer into your heart and feel the pain you must have felt, from the outside. From the outside looking in, I can all but feel it too. I'm so sorry you suffered! I would try to remove all the pain from the earth if I could, but I am learning now that doing so would be an injustice to many. I am learning to be strong in the face of difficulty, to persevere when the desire to do so is only flickering ember, to take one painful step after painful step. It gets easier. It really does. I never thought I would feel this way.
Maybe not to you? Would saving you have saved your life? Would you have lived your life as a dead soul walking the earth, void of life save a beating heart? Would that have been a worse kind of hell? I like to think that life itself is the greatest gift, but perhaps to some it is death that is cherished. I wouldn't judge you, you chose what you chose. I just wish I could have eased your pain, somehow.
Ahh the feeling of powerlessness is hard to live with. The struggles in life seem to be constant at times. The only thing I can do is ensure that I become stronger and stronger so that I can make it on my own if need be. Your deaths compel me to live, and to live well.
"It always gets rough. It always gets better. Don’t ever delete yourself."
Sweet Sleep
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