Daaaaang

Got my frickin ticket! *gulp* I hope i don't hate it, tho I'm figuring it will be far too visually orgasmic for any hatin. Now to stock up on batteries and fairy wings!! ... probably a little food too, might be a good idea. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!! That's all I gotsta say.

hi

Home Alone

Aloner than usual. This weekend Jason is in Omaha and even though we don't really hang out too much these days, I still won't be able to talk through the walls to anyone and that means the house will be quiet and still, I will be just one soul and a cat (who according to that documentary I saw when I was 8 have souls too - yes they took pictures!!!). Hehe, I think I sound like a very weak personality, always fretting about things. Well, some things are new for me and it doesn't just come so naturally to me to adapt in a flash. So yes, I frett and whine and mope and pout and do all those things. 9 times out of 10 with no real good reason, but I like to think it's just precautionary incase I flip out or something I will have something to blame it on. :) Well, I need to pu tthis blog to good use and let my brain boom through here instead of into the quietness off the house where it just echos and bounces around the walls all day long which drives me mad. I think the computer is like a conduit that sucks away what otherwise sits and sits, turning into something foul the longer I let it sit. I need outlets, just the way I am built I guess. I don't need sympathy, I just need to be heard or felt like I am heard.

I think I will be visiting here frequently so let's start a conversation over coffee. Our own little cyber cafe. :)

And so it is

It just is. I am tired of thinking, so I'm not. I think I am not the only one who can attest to that. I'm noticing my frequented little blogging pools are tad dry at the moment. I don't blame you, everyone needs a break, and sometimes our thoughts and feelings don't need to be all out there. I do miss it though. I like getting into people's heads, I like it when you just open up your head more though - less work and prying for me. So come back soon, please??

I need to coast on some nonchalance I have stored away for rainy days. It just helps me do what I gotsta do without my brain exploding into the vast unknown. It's weird. Being alone so much is such a sensation that I almost feel like I am not me. Strange. I'd explain if you care to know. If anyone does care to know. Anyone care to know? Yeah, I don't blame you. My head was created for the single purpose of confusing itself and anyone else who dares try understand or get close to it. Such fun!
I'm on the limb I have chosen, and tho there are some tough times (ie. this past year) there are also some really great times and some really great people who I am so thankful I have the privilege of knowing. I feel like with so much change and moving around in my life I've lost friends and people I care about. But I am starting to see that the ones who REALLY count are still there and the most important people in the world to me. Thanks for being there, you know who you are.... I hope. Ah what the hell I'll make sure you know who you are!!

So, I am perplexed about my "normalness". Have you ever remembered a memory of yourself and the picture in your head was of you looking at yourself and everything that was going on, like you were just watching something that was going on around you? Sounds confusing. I was talking about this the other day with a friend and I was told that's not the norm. Hmmmm. Does this happen to anyone else? Seriously, most memories I don't see through my eyes, I see myself across the room and all that is happening, just as it happened.

And it's not so bad

This is something I need. To just wing it on my own and that is what I intend to do. How can you ever really understand what is loneliness unless you experience it first hand? Not that I am lonely right now, but the chances of being so are much higher... haha. No, I have some really great people around who are such a joy to be with that maybe my endeavour will be thwarted. Oh well, God must know my capacity and what I can handle cuz the amount I seek out stoicism... albeit ala Emma which allows for display of feeling and complaining, hee hee... even still, I seek it out and it just never hits me full on and I'm thinkintg if it did one day I might never get out of my favourite chosen curled-in-ball state. EVER! That would be sad, I don't think I can be a depressed person very well, I'll just like laugh and be all "DANGIT! I don't do this very well!".. I admit it. I'm a failure. I want to be able to do everything INCLUDING stay depressed for longer than a day but it's just so tough! All that stupid "silver lining", "sunshine through the rain" crap and quotes like "Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats." help you suddenly realize that you can't just slump down and give up, you have to keep forging on and not fear what life has in store for you - something good comes out of everything. It's like it messes with your head and before you know it you're all seeing some "silver lining". It's bullshit I say!! :P

Well la la la, I'm fine and alive, don't worry about me - I've got thick skin and am excited about the future!

Also, I need some more comments on my blog so...



Hee hee. I rule so hard it's not even funny!

sheesh

is someone emo or what!

ecch, you'll live.

(I talk to myself.)

I need you to go

or stay - either way.
stupid heart.
it's time to put you in a box and there you shall stay.
i'll hide you where no one can find you, not even me.
you do me no good, you're worthless and cruel.
...but what if that's me?
i don't want you, go away, i already know what you do.
you tempt me, taunt me with your magic in your voice.
the sound is so sweet but the sweetness turns sour.
but i follow, i go, i believe there's no harm.
but look now the pieces, they're all shattered behind me.
you've never been right or is it me who is wrong?
if you give me no reason to think you can guide,
don't try to convince i am worthy to love.
you're fleating, a phanthom, yet you pose so sincere.
please leave me in peace, i don't like how you feel.
...though maybe I do I don't like what you do.
why must i hurt others, please hurt me instead
with endings so tragic, i can't handle the shame.
hush, fade away, go to sleep, go to sleep
all I want is to live not knowing you're there.

silence

Numb

Maybe I'm regressing, one step backwards everyday. In my heart I know something's not quite right, but I don't know if that's my built in fears coming to life. I try to shut my mind and forget, my thoughts, raging are burning in my head. When it all stops for a second... I just feel numb. I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad. My emotions are stagnant. My thoughts... still and quiet. Will it all just fade away?

Unable so lost
I can't find my way
Been searching, but I have never seen
A turning, a turning from deceit

Cos the child roses like
Try to reveal what I could feel

I can't understand myself anymore
But I m still feeling lonely
Feeling so unholy

Cos the child roses like
Try to reveal what I could feel
But this loneliness
It just won't leave me alone

I'm fooling somebody
A faithless path to roam
Deceiving to breath this secretly
This silence, a silence I can't bear

Cos the child roses like
Try to reveal what I could feel
And this loneliness
It just won't leave me alone

--Portishead

That's the way...

uh huh uh huh...




I like it!

Oh help.

14 hour work day today and again tomorrow.

Alright!

After much deliberation ("should I go? *browses through flickr photos* "Oh, hell ya!") I am officially posting my decision to attend BurningMan this year, so that if I don't end up going you can make me feel guilty constantly and remind me over and over that I lack commitment, backbone, allegiance etc, as that is something I really can't handle X-)

Luckily it's only 3 hours drive from the likes of Sacramento (the west coast is good to me) so it shouldn't be hard getting out there. This will be my first year so I don't quite know what to expect, except visualizations as seen through the eyes of someone on acid... but not on acid. They say it's one of those things you've got to see to understand. So far I know my bro and Miss Livinginaworld will be going, with my little niece of course, and if things go as planned I get to attend my very first wedding (I'm not kidding). Though it will be estilo-burningman it will be a wedding, of sorts, none the less! So it's all very very ESSITING!!!

So i'm thinking about body paint, but can that stuff really stay on in 107 degree weather? I'll make a way.

So who's a coming? You know you've got to... ask me, I'll convince you!

Read the FAQ

well hello... there

Oh blog, why dost thou require my soul be delivered to thee everytime in order to start some action!!?? I dunno, sometimes it's so hard to write anything unless it has some kind of profound meaning or earth shattering wisdom attached to it. There are plenty of bloggers who can do the whole "blogging about their day humm drumm"... thing. I just can't. I like my writing to... hmmm... frolic! It needs energy and life, a hint of profundity or it's not worth putting... pencil to paper (bleh, I hate it when those little phrases don't work anymore) I don't want to lose all interest in my blog or delete it. I like my blog and I like posting! Just... gets... stuck. Ah well, it needent be this way I suppose, I have the power!! Going to make me some nice coffeeeeee and I'll be right back to see how this cookie crumbles.

Soooooooooooooo goooooooooooood! Foamy, rich, and so aromatic. Man, I love that stuff. It makes me smile and I think only happy thoughts. That would be my drug of choice and I don't care what ANYONE has to say about that, ahem you know who you are! So, if you don't already know, this awesomely-cool-totally-all-that-is-rad friend of mine did the nicest thing anyone could do for me and got me a little espresso maker (I was whining on myspace and said someone should get me one to make me happy and he did even though I was totally kidding!!! wooot!) NOW I can enjoy a nice cuppa whenever I please! yay! Definitely been the highlight of the last 2 weeks or so. Thank yoooooou! You da bestest!

EDITED -- reading over this again I didn't like the sound of my last paragraph after all. Too much of an unnecessary negative twist. This leaves off far better. :)

TROGDORRRR The BURNINATOR!

Sweet Tears

Sunshine through the raindrops falling.
Smiling though your heart's been crying.
Sunlight beaming through the shadows of the tears of your soul.
Through tempest winds and winter storms.
Still stained with tears bloody and scarred.
Your trudging on to the sun.
Whispering softly, "It's all done."

The soul would have no rainbow had no tears filled your eyes.
Falling raindrops colour the skies.
The diamonds of a broken heart are tears crystallised.
And sunlight sparkles in those teary eyes.

As storm clouds part and darkness fades.
Sunlight springs new life again.
Little flowers after the rain tell of beauty through the pain.

- David Angelo

You should listen to that song.

fin

One week in Mexico came and went. I spent about 4 years there so it's like home to me in many ways and even though I've been away for some time going back was as if no time at all had passed... at all. I was on a bit of an emotional roller coaster the first day and a half. Overwhelmed, happy, surprised, excited, relieved, sad, angry, drunk - hehe, no not quite. (listing off my emotions - hey I'm a pisces we're well acquainted - the order was accidental but is somewhat ironic too) Ask Mig and Angie, I was shaking when they came to get me from the airport and then it was tears pretty much on demand if too much went on. Kinda weird, never had that before. First few days I hung out in Tepoztotlan with the Luna's and 60 something other people (aha, the culprit!). Tacos, beer, cards, walks, mexican market, mailbu, going through old pictures, old memories.

This was somewhat of a significant visit for Migs and I. I haven't seen him since before this blog was created and we didn't have that closure, or just the forgiving and forgetting. I left almost all my stuff in Mexico and he held onto it for me, bless his soul that he didn't burn it all :P Danny and Luchi had given us two bottles of wine from their trip to Chile a few years back and we said we'd drink it on a special occasion. This visit was that occasion. Sitting on the floor, light sprinkling rain outside, a song by Snow Patrol came on - Run - and the two bottles of wine (hey they were tiny "two glass" bottles!) needed to be opened to toast to life, love and our future... as friends. We forgave, we cried, took turns toasting with each sip till it was done. It was sweet and sad, so many flashbacks of our adventures, the good times, the bad times... now only encased in our memories. The realization of something that once was being no more is sad, but one can't look in remorse over "if I only had". We'll keep pressing on to our futures and the new horizons before us. Mig, I'm thankful I still have you as a friend. I hope you find the best cake recipe ;)

Thursday, was off to the Zocalo for LUCHA LIBRE MASKS!!! (We're wearing them to the opening of Nacho Libre, so stay tuned) Had some AMAZING tacos, soaked in some Mexico City pollution and then off to Tasquena by metro to catch the bus to Cuernavaca. Even with the traffic it was a lovely drive. I love that particular drive, so picturesque and peaceful - tho I highly recommend taking the old road vs the highway. Arrived that evening at the breathtakingly beautiful property that is home to my dearest friends, Danny and Luchi (+ more) Relaxing in the pool, drinking on the roof, taking advantange of every photo op possible, searching for tacos (not the luckiest trio are we), cutting hair, being followed home by kittens, world cup, frapuccinos, spankings (j/k) and much more. I had so much fun and so much talking!!!! Felt nice, I don't get to have those long conversations about life - too busy I guess. I love you guys! Thanks for being you, for being there, for not forsaking me :)

light up, light up

profiles

OUCH! Look at that LOOK!

My last day in Mexico

It's been one hell of a week. Seems like it's been way longer than that. They say time flies when you're having fun but I think so much happened in such a short space of time, every moment was accounted for. Sigh. Miss you all already. Here are some pics from my last day.

Adios

hasta la proxima

4am

no use teasing my body into thinking it will be getting any sleep.



it makes me nervous to travel having not spoken to anyone I am going to be staying with in 2 days.



oh well, as long as there are churros close by I am sure I will be fine.



wish me well on my flight....... you never can be too sure.

Adieu

This time tomorrow...

I'll be sipping margaritas, laying by the pool (with a local band of HOT Mariachis keeping me entertained) in the heart of Mexico...


ehehhee



Ok so not entirely accurate.

Number one, no such thing as hot Mariachis. Number two I'm really craving Pina Coladas and I'm not sure if the pool has yet been filled with water.

Other than that I have spoken only the truth.

SALUD!


Fear not! Pictures WILL follow.

just sumfing to see