Today...
...today I gave up something that I've been trying to tell myself I wouldn't really have to. It was a fantasy, yet it was real. I didn't dream it, yet it was a dream that I couldn't allow to become a reality. I am not brave enough, yet I see this lack of courage as a blessing in desguise for it is forcing me to let go of everything and stand alone - before God and before myself. It is now that we can now begin talk about life. But no, not yet. I'm not focused, I feel distracted.
I'm scared. Though I don't really know what of. I think I am afraid that I won't let go sufficiently but on the other hand in letting go completely what if I lost it forever? No, that's called fear. It told me to let go, to lose it, that everything would be ok if I take the journey I need to and that in doing so I would find it again and know its true value... not just some fond illusion or 'fix'. I'd grown addicted to the way it made me feel and its effect on my mood and emotions, lately everything inside me demanded its approval, its attention. But who am I? What right do I have? That's not who I want to be.
Sigh
My brain hurts, my heart hurts, I cut my little finger and THAT HURTS, but I was unlucky to be a born a Piscean who can never escape pain, so this is no new phenomenon. Twist my cloud and it rains, and when it rains it bloody well pours! But ah! Sweet tears, they rejuvenate the soul and clear the fog from your eyes. I'm not afraid to cry, but I would so prefer to do so with someone holding me. :)
Ps. If you read this and don't completely grasp or get what I am talking about, don't worry! You probably aren't meant to.
8 comments:
Hanging on is sometimes easier than letting go...almost always easier for me.
Don't look too hard and you will figure it out.
True, it is easier! But is easy always the best? I suppose I am trying to purposely put myself in a tough situation becuase really I want to grow. I hate the challenge in many ways, but I know I need it.
That is wonderful! I love it when I reach those points when you let something go; it’s a little like death, as in it being the end of a phase or stage in life. But it’s also the birth and beginning of something yet unknown and that is always cool! Besides, that way you also always stay young… you know how they say they say wisdom comes with age but then also say any of us could die tomorrow? So the moral is… be happy! Un abrazo.
This really brought tears to my eyes. I guess cause I have an idea of what's going on, and I am so happy to see you writing about it. Well done Emma, and like I said before.. Don't listen to too much sappy music. REM is good for the soul, but hard on the heart!
Wow. Who could this mystery man be? ;)
Who says it's a man?
True, true;
Me and my poor shallow intellect.
I'm sorry... you are simply amazing... I feel bad about some of the things that slipped out of my head tonight and just wish that you were here, or I were there. I need a hug; that and a job that will keep me online all day or something. :) Un abrazo
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