I don't want everyone to be all, "noo! your blog is awesome!" - that's not the point at all. Not why I am saying that. I'm just getting tired of posting such meaningless trivialities particularly at this point in time when I'm going through a whole host of internal struggles at the same time.
But I'm afraid...of something
I once hoped that my blog would be neutral ground to express myself, I find myself holding back on just spilling my guts. (WHICH IS WHAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO DO) I know that there is someone out there who knows me well from my past and someone from my present. There are someones out there who have known me long who know my fears, my aprehensions, my dreams and others who have known me shortly who know my insecurities, my lack of confidence, my enthusiasm - in different lights. And then there are many in between who know me to some extent, they might just see me as the happy-go-lucky piscean who often finds herself misunderstood, the overly happy and then rock bottom miserable - all in the space of a very short time - Emma who does bounce back pretty quick. They know me, yet they don't. There's no ONE person anymore that knows me in a full 360 degree circle. In refering to all these different kinds of people in my life and the ways they might view me - THEY ALL READ MY BLOG! If I am something different to everyone, how can I just be ME for everyone by being completely honest? Does that even make sense?
Unlikely.
I guess my fear lies in not wanting to offend one person, and then not wanting to appear different to the way another has made their opinion of me. I feel that depending who you are, I can only really open up an aspect of my life to you. So my blog has turned into a careful process of finding only the neutral issues of my life to talk about and not feeling the freedom (self-imposed mind you) to just say it all as it is has made my blog... well SUCK. I considered quitting this blog and just making a new one that I wouldn't tell anyone about, but since I am already so far away from everyone I think that would throw me further into seclusion and likely you'd never hear from me again.
I guess I should try.
True freedom of honest expression is a beautiful thing and what a difference it can make, like a lifting a weight off your chest. When you can get to the point where you don't give a crap what anyone thinks about you maybe that's when you've arrived... but where? and will I be alone? How do you just let go? That means accepting yourself. How do you do that?
I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. Oh well.
4 comments:
Ah, Emma.. I can relate well. You don't see this because in your eyes, I am the 26 year old who has a 'husband', a daughter, a handful of friends, and nearly everything that she wants or needs to be happy. But this was not always the case. I was once quit the reck who kept all her true colors to herself.
You see, us happy-go-lucky types make friends easily and relate well to others. Especially when our empathy kicks in because we find ourselves relating to people of all sorts. This is a great quality you see, because if helps us grow into multidimensional individuals and they say too that compassion brings on happiness.
But, like anything else, it comes with difficulties. With a mutitude of friends that each know a different side of you, and believe that is the only side of you, it makes it difficult for these friends to meet. Or in your case, for you to show your other side.
This post has helped you begin this process, which was inevitable to begin with, if you plan on growing.
I agree that writing your own secret blog is a great idea and I was thinking of suggesting it to you myself. This way you can just type out all of your thoughts and concerns without the pressure.
And in this process, you may find you are no longer in a quandary.
You will also have the opportunity to copy what you choose from your secret blog to your known blog at your own free will.
Consider this time to be a long walk up a high dive board. Take the walk slowly and use it to clear your mind and take the time to get a strong grasp on your spiritual journey, values, ambitions, philosophies, opinions, etc., etc.
And once you reach the top of the board, just dive in. Head first. You will get some uncertain and possibly judgemental remarks from people.
But this is only because they really believe that they know every side of you. But they don't. Like you said, no one does. This is partially because they are not able to see the world from your perspective. And this is partially because you are not being honest with yourself or with them.
It is only because of you that they don't know the real Emma, so find out who she is and show the world your strengths and what a beautiful mind and soul you really are.
And if those even closes to you, decide not to follow, then let them go. It only means that you have grown into seperate beings. And if your paths cross again, your relationship with them will only be stronger.
Damn. That was long.
/blush
very true, your blog should reflect who you are. And if your not comfortable doing that cuz' you dont' feel your friends really know every side of you, then its about time they find out.
Be who you are, write what you feel. Without the fear of critisizim, takes courage to show the world the real mind behind that happy face.
"Don't try to find the answer, when there ain't no questions here, brother let your heart be wounded, and give no mercy to your fear..." (LIVE)
Realizing we don't know anything is not a bad thing... :)
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