wow! I made it through last week! I am so proud of myself, really. I tend to fall pretty hard when I do, thankfully it doesn't take too much to pick me up again. Small pleasures, hopes, and anticipations are like rainbows after a big storm to me. As always, talking about things and just getting them out of my system does wonders to my over all moral. The truth in that always surprises me as when I am IN the moment, whatever it may be, I tend to be overwhelmed by the cumbersome weight hardships on the mind and soul can bring, thus the outlook looks rather hopeless and bleak. But, BUT does this make me fickle? How is it that my mood can be swept from one extreme to the other by a simple act? I woke up this morning pretty dispondent about life and what I am going to do with it... but then I talked to Kristina who always has a way to make things make sense in my head and I felt tons better. I just wish I could find hope for myself without needing, if not actually requiring that it be brought to me from an outside source. I guess I need to find the balance. Lately it has become all too apparent that I AM EXTREME. There are no happy mediums for me, it's either all or nothing, 100% this way or 100% that way.
I think I am missing out on some good things in life for this very flaw of mine.
hmmmm... how about some news about life in MileHigh City?
-Lucas and Sasha started daycare today, BIG step equalling the coming end of the need for me to stay too much longer.
-My dad and Manny are busy busy in France gettng the hotel fixed. Electricity should be hooked up by today - they are supposed to keep a blog of the progress.
-I am going to Karaoke this week!! First time... I will need to get good and sloshed. will take pics!!
-I need to find a home in Mexico, I'm all homeless now! Who wants me??? :(
Just breathe.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Sad, sad tidings...
Sam, only just 18 years old, was found yesterday alone in a field close to his house - dead - he died of an overdose on cocaine. Apparently he was partying with his friends and when the seizures started they left him there!! So sad, so very very sad. Why couldn't they have just brought him to the hospital or called 911?? I don't understand!
I've known his family well for over 5 years now, his mom, a single mom - she's such a strong lady and I admire her so much, I just hope this time round it won't be more than she can bear!
...it's hard to imagine he's... just gone. I had seen him only days before.
This is the 3rd death of the boys in the Lykins family and I pray they can once again find comfort in this very difficult and trying time. There will be a funeral for him this week. I've never been this close to seeing death and as much as I've always been taught about the hope of life after death, an overwhelming sadness is slowly falling. It doesn't hit you right away, like it doesn't click in your head - the loss of another human being that you knew...
oh well, life is short...
just 18.
Here yesterday, gone today.
Rest in Peace Sam.
Say hi to Timothy for me!
I've known his family well for over 5 years now, his mom, a single mom - she's such a strong lady and I admire her so much, I just hope this time round it won't be more than she can bear!
...it's hard to imagine he's... just gone. I had seen him only days before.
This is the 3rd death of the boys in the Lykins family and I pray they can once again find comfort in this very difficult and trying time. There will be a funeral for him this week. I've never been this close to seeing death and as much as I've always been taught about the hope of life after death, an overwhelming sadness is slowly falling. It doesn't hit you right away, like it doesn't click in your head - the loss of another human being that you knew...
oh well, life is short...
just 18.
Here yesterday, gone today.
Rest in Peace Sam.
Say hi to Timothy for me!
Friday, May 27, 2005
it's a sad day for many a man today
"Uh... honey(?) not only do I have erectile disfuntion but now I'm blind. Tell me you'll love me forever!!"
So men, vow to become great conversationalists and expert 'cunnilinguists' as that may be your only hope.
So men, vow to become great conversationalists and expert 'cunnilinguists' as that may be your only hope.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Oh life! What is it with thy sting??
Today...
...today I gave up something that I've been trying to tell myself I wouldn't really have to. It was a fantasy, yet it was real. I didn't dream it, yet it was a dream that I couldn't allow to become a reality. I am not brave enough, yet I see this lack of courage as a blessing in desguise for it is forcing me to let go of everything and stand alone - before God and before myself. It is now that we can now begin talk about life. But no, not yet. I'm not focused, I feel distracted.
I'm scared. Though I don't really know what of. I think I am afraid that I won't let go sufficiently but on the other hand in letting go completely what if I lost it forever? No, that's called fear. It told me to let go, to lose it, that everything would be ok if I take the journey I need to and that in doing so I would find it again and know its true value... not just some fond illusion or 'fix'. I'd grown addicted to the way it made me feel and its effect on my mood and emotions, lately everything inside me demanded its approval, its attention. But who am I? What right do I have? That's not who I want to be.
Sigh
My brain hurts, my heart hurts, I cut my little finger and THAT HURTS, but I was unlucky to be a born a Piscean who can never escape pain, so this is no new phenomenon. Twist my cloud and it rains, and when it rains it bloody well pours! But ah! Sweet tears, they rejuvenate the soul and clear the fog from your eyes. I'm not afraid to cry, but I would so prefer to do so with someone holding me. :)
Ps. If you read this and don't completely grasp or get what I am talking about, don't worry! You probably aren't meant to.
...today I gave up something that I've been trying to tell myself I wouldn't really have to. It was a fantasy, yet it was real. I didn't dream it, yet it was a dream that I couldn't allow to become a reality. I am not brave enough, yet I see this lack of courage as a blessing in desguise for it is forcing me to let go of everything and stand alone - before God and before myself. It is now that we can now begin talk about life. But no, not yet. I'm not focused, I feel distracted.
I'm scared. Though I don't really know what of. I think I am afraid that I won't let go sufficiently but on the other hand in letting go completely what if I lost it forever? No, that's called fear. It told me to let go, to lose it, that everything would be ok if I take the journey I need to and that in doing so I would find it again and know its true value... not just some fond illusion or 'fix'. I'd grown addicted to the way it made me feel and its effect on my mood and emotions, lately everything inside me demanded its approval, its attention. But who am I? What right do I have? That's not who I want to be.
Sigh
My brain hurts, my heart hurts, I cut my little finger and THAT HURTS, but I was unlucky to be a born a Piscean who can never escape pain, so this is no new phenomenon. Twist my cloud and it rains, and when it rains it bloody well pours! But ah! Sweet tears, they rejuvenate the soul and clear the fog from your eyes. I'm not afraid to cry, but I would so prefer to do so with someone holding me. :)
Ps. If you read this and don't completely grasp or get what I am talking about, don't worry! You probably aren't meant to.
things that made me happy today
1. The Gas I found today at $2.02 a gallon.
2. Sasha (my 2 yr old nephew) leaving for home, pulls me by the skirt, points to the door and says "home, home!"
3. My sisters Thea (10) and Boo(8) running up to me, telling me I am their favourite person in the whole world, for no reason at all.
4. Double espresso with steamed half and half on the side.
5. sitting by the pool with my jeans rolled up and swirling the water with my feet.
6. 68 degrees with sunshine and a breeze.
7. mushrooms and brocolli, salad with lettuce, tomatoes, mozarella, and spring onions
8. Clean white running shoes and clean white socks.
9. my mom going out for the whole day (I love her but I love her when she's gone too)
10. a day that started out sad and ended up happy.
2. Sasha (my 2 yr old nephew) leaving for home, pulls me by the skirt, points to the door and says "home, home!"
3. My sisters Thea (10) and Boo(8) running up to me, telling me I am their favourite person in the whole world, for no reason at all.
4. Double espresso with steamed half and half on the side.
5. sitting by the pool with my jeans rolled up and swirling the water with my feet.
6. 68 degrees with sunshine and a breeze.
7. mushrooms and brocolli, salad with lettuce, tomatoes, mozarella, and spring onions
8. Clean white running shoes and clean white socks.
9. my mom going out for the whole day (I love her but I love her when she's gone too)
10. a day that started out sad and ended up happy.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
just around
This, is our fork in the road
Love's last episode
There's nowhere to go, oh no
You made your choice, now it's up to me
To bow out gracefully
Though you hold the key, but baby
Whenever you call me, I'll be there
Whenever you want me, I'll be there
Whenever you need me, I'll be there
I'll be around
I, knew just what to say
Now I found out today
That all the words had slipped away, but I know
There's always a chance
A tiny spark remains, yeah
And sparks turn into flames
And love can burn once again, but I know you know
Whenever you call me, I'll be there
Whenever you want me, I'll be there
Whenever you need me, I'll be there
I'll be around...yeah
Whenever you call me, I'll be there
Whenever you want me, I'll be there
Even if I have to call, I'll be there
I'll be around
Just call me at home, I'll be there
I'll never leave you alone, I'll be there
Just call out your name you know I know you know
I'll be around
Love's last episode
There's nowhere to go, oh no
You made your choice, now it's up to me
To bow out gracefully
Though you hold the key, but baby
Whenever you call me, I'll be there
Whenever you want me, I'll be there
Whenever you need me, I'll be there
I'll be around
I, knew just what to say
Now I found out today
That all the words had slipped away, but I know
There's always a chance
A tiny spark remains, yeah
And sparks turn into flames
And love can burn once again, but I know you know
Whenever you call me, I'll be there
Whenever you want me, I'll be there
Whenever you need me, I'll be there
I'll be around...yeah
Whenever you call me, I'll be there
Whenever you want me, I'll be there
Even if I have to call, I'll be there
I'll be around
Just call me at home, I'll be there
I'll never leave you alone, I'll be there
Just call out your name you know I know you know
I'll be around
Monday, May 23, 2005
My Blog Sucks!
I don't want everyone to be all, "noo! your blog is awesome!" - that's not the point at all. Not why I am saying that. I'm just getting tired of posting such meaningless trivialities particularly at this point in time when I'm going through a whole host of internal struggles at the same time.
But I'm afraid...of something
I once hoped that my blog would be neutral ground to express myself, I find myself holding back on just spilling my guts. (WHICH IS WHAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO DO) I know that there is someone out there who knows me well from my past and someone from my present. There are someones out there who have known me long who know my fears, my aprehensions, my dreams and others who have known me shortly who know my insecurities, my lack of confidence, my enthusiasm - in different lights. And then there are many in between who know me to some extent, they might just see me as the happy-go-lucky piscean who often finds herself misunderstood, the overly happy and then rock bottom miserable - all in the space of a very short time - Emma who does bounce back pretty quick. They know me, yet they don't. There's no ONE person anymore that knows me in a full 360 degree circle. In refering to all these different kinds of people in my life and the ways they might view me - THEY ALL READ MY BLOG! If I am something different to everyone, how can I just be ME for everyone by being completely honest? Does that even make sense?
Unlikely.
I guess my fear lies in not wanting to offend one person, and then not wanting to appear different to the way another has made their opinion of me. I feel that depending who you are, I can only really open up an aspect of my life to you. So my blog has turned into a careful process of finding only the neutral issues of my life to talk about and not feeling the freedom (self-imposed mind you) to just say it all as it is has made my blog... well SUCK. I considered quitting this blog and just making a new one that I wouldn't tell anyone about, but since I am already so far away from everyone I think that would throw me further into seclusion and likely you'd never hear from me again.
I guess I should try.
True freedom of honest expression is a beautiful thing and what a difference it can make, like a lifting a weight off your chest. When you can get to the point where you don't give a crap what anyone thinks about you maybe that's when you've arrived... but where? and will I be alone? How do you just let go? That means accepting yourself. How do you do that?
I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. Oh well.
But I'm afraid...of something
I once hoped that my blog would be neutral ground to express myself, I find myself holding back on just spilling my guts. (WHICH IS WHAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO DO) I know that there is someone out there who knows me well from my past and someone from my present. There are someones out there who have known me long who know my fears, my aprehensions, my dreams and others who have known me shortly who know my insecurities, my lack of confidence, my enthusiasm - in different lights. And then there are many in between who know me to some extent, they might just see me as the happy-go-lucky piscean who often finds herself misunderstood, the overly happy and then rock bottom miserable - all in the space of a very short time - Emma who does bounce back pretty quick. They know me, yet they don't. There's no ONE person anymore that knows me in a full 360 degree circle. In refering to all these different kinds of people in my life and the ways they might view me - THEY ALL READ MY BLOG! If I am something different to everyone, how can I just be ME for everyone by being completely honest? Does that even make sense?
Unlikely.
I guess my fear lies in not wanting to offend one person, and then not wanting to appear different to the way another has made their opinion of me. I feel that depending who you are, I can only really open up an aspect of my life to you. So my blog has turned into a careful process of finding only the neutral issues of my life to talk about and not feeling the freedom (self-imposed mind you) to just say it all as it is has made my blog... well SUCK. I considered quitting this blog and just making a new one that I wouldn't tell anyone about, but since I am already so far away from everyone I think that would throw me further into seclusion and likely you'd never hear from me again.
I guess I should try.
True freedom of honest expression is a beautiful thing and what a difference it can make, like a lifting a weight off your chest. When you can get to the point where you don't give a crap what anyone thinks about you maybe that's when you've arrived... but where? and will I be alone? How do you just let go? That means accepting yourself. How do you do that?
I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. Oh well.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
...life...
...not getting a job - just need to work harder
...My bro can't help my mom with rent anymore (we're so thankful for when he could!!!) so that's adding to my share now, thus my idea of getting a job and now just the need to work harder
...Lea had a car accident - they needed me to pay the insurance
...Dominique just had to buy mice - I hate little rodents, they smell
...I WATCHED STAAAR WAAARS - just need that on record to prove my radness :P
...I can't drink at Starbucks with a clear conscience anymore - it's the walmart of coffee
...Danny and Luchi want to visit!!!!!!! (ok a huge big maybe, but it's another thing to add to my blog to make it look a little more cheery)
...I like writing about my life in point form
...My bro can't help my mom with rent anymore (we're so thankful for when he could!!!) so that's adding to my share now, thus my idea of getting a job and now just the need to work harder
...Lea had a car accident - they needed me to pay the insurance
...Dominique just had to buy mice - I hate little rodents, they smell
...I WATCHED STAAAR WAAARS - just need that on record to prove my radness :P
...I can't drink at Starbucks with a clear conscience anymore - it's the walmart of coffee
...Danny and Luchi want to visit!!!!!!! (ok a huge big maybe, but it's another thing to add to my blog to make it look a little more cheery)
...I like writing about my life in point form
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
His most unique humour... how charming
Stole this from Kristina's blog... hilarious!
What do you get when you cross Jason and Altea in Photoshop?
Altea... holding a beer
And in the words of Jason, "You should start checking the crib for bottles, HIDDEN bottles, before it's too late. Sadly, she will only really stop when she herself is ready."
I laughed soo hard. I tell you zis guy is craaaaazeeeeee!
What do you get when you cross Jason and Altea in Photoshop?
Altea... holding a beer
And in the words of Jason, "You should start checking the crib for bottles, HIDDEN bottles, before it's too late. Sadly, she will only really stop when she herself is ready."
I laughed soo hard. I tell you zis guy is craaaaazeeeeee!
Monday, May 16, 2005
Friday, May 13, 2005
beware of double doppio...
... that's 4 espresso shots and drunk around 7:00pm = very little sleep. I don't do that often, I am not that abusive to my body, but it was done and I didn't fall asleep till 4:00am and was awoken usual time by my dearest dearest siblings - aren't they precious? Oh well, you live, you learn - at least I know what insomnia must feel like.
*Domi got back from her camp last night - she had a blast
*Manny leaves for France the 28th for 2 months - which means I pretty much move in with Lea
*Andrew leaves for South Africa the 19th - which means less stress
*I may need to get a job - I'm a bread winner now
*A friend is visiting from San Diego this weekend - maybe I'll be able to relax and have some fun
*my hair is looking pink :(
*my family makes me sad
*but the future looks positive... I guess
hello to another long weekend... sigh... may I make many kids smile and hopefully steal one for myself.
*Domi got back from her camp last night - she had a blast
*Manny leaves for France the 28th for 2 months - which means I pretty much move in with Lea
*Andrew leaves for South Africa the 19th - which means less stress
*I may need to get a job - I'm a bread winner now
*A friend is visiting from San Diego this weekend - maybe I'll be able to relax and have some fun
*my hair is looking pink :(
*my family makes me sad
*but the future looks positive... I guess
hello to another long weekend... sigh... may I make many kids smile and hopefully steal one for myself.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
I MISS EEEEVERYYYYOOOOOONE!
I am actually a little pleased with this sensation (as sad as it makes me)as it seems I am missing more people than I thought I would or should miss... therefore, there's just a whole lot more lurv and amistad going on than I presumed - that just makes me happy. So, sad/happy happy/sad who cares?? I have friends! Yes, I am pretty much alone and lonely and Mr Lonely I'm so lonely (so lonely), I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)I have nobody (I have nobody) To call my own (to call my own) SING WITH ME NOW!! :) That's the funniest song - sounds like he's singing with a chipmunk or something, but I'm kidding - it really doesn't apply and I am not all that lonely... I quite like being alone, it's not always lonely to be alone right?? Ok this is getting rather redundant! ALL THAT TO SAY... I MISS YOU ALL but that means I loves ya all and that's AWESOME!
Goodnight
I am actually a little pleased with this sensation (as sad as it makes me)as it seems I am missing more people than I thought I would or should miss... therefore, there's just a whole lot more lurv and amistad going on than I presumed - that just makes me happy. So, sad/happy happy/sad who cares?? I have friends! Yes, I am pretty much alone and lonely and Mr Lonely I'm so lonely (so lonely), I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)I have nobody (I have nobody) To call my own (to call my own) SING WITH ME NOW!! :) That's the funniest song - sounds like he's singing with a chipmunk or something, but I'm kidding - it really doesn't apply and I am not all that lonely... I quite like being alone, it's not always lonely to be alone right?? Ok this is getting rather redundant! ALL THAT TO SAY... I MISS YOU ALL but that means I loves ya all and that's AWESOME!
Goodnight
the sweetest things
I had a lovely surprise today. It wasn't anything extravagant or expensive and it arrived 2 and a half months late - it was a birthday card from the dearest Luna Family! Thank you, thank you to Lirio, Mig, Suko, Esdras, Angie, Liz and little Angelito!! It was really the sweetest thing and totally unexpected - one of those "you really didn't have to, but it did mean a lot to me!" The cutest little card, they each wrote a little note and and made me feel entirely loved!:) and equally managed to rip my heart out saying things like "our little family reunion didn't feel the same without you!" Aaaah, make me cry why don't you!!!
There are so few now a days - myself included - who make an effort and really take the time to show appreciation and love, even in the most simplest of ways. Sometimes I know I just get so caught up in the day to day that I hardly notice everyone around me and even the less the people who do care about me that I seldom see anymore. I feel rotten about that and appologise for my lack of communication when you all have repeatedly made such outstanding efforts to stay in touch and even though things have changed, I am now so far away... you do make me feel I am still a part of your lives and important to you.
I salut you and you're all my heroes!! You've all given up so much, given up yourselves even and yet you continue to give so willingly and not expect anything in return - you only have my deepest respect and admiration.
I love you and thank you!!!
There are so few now a days - myself included - who make an effort and really take the time to show appreciation and love, even in the most simplest of ways. Sometimes I know I just get so caught up in the day to day that I hardly notice everyone around me and even the less the people who do care about me that I seldom see anymore. I feel rotten about that and appologise for my lack of communication when you all have repeatedly made such outstanding efforts to stay in touch and even though things have changed, I am now so far away... you do make me feel I am still a part of your lives and important to you.
I salut you and you're all my heroes!! You've all given up so much, given up yourselves even and yet you continue to give so willingly and not expect anything in return - you only have my deepest respect and admiration.
I love you and thank you!!!
Monday, May 09, 2005
bed.... calling.... must.... sleep....
12 frrrriggin' hour work day today! I am not sure if I've ever done anything that long, besides possibly sleeping.
I'm so dead.
My wrists hurt.
I'm so dead.
My wrists hurt.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
wants new hair, yet again!
I have decided I am due for a good hairstyling and a break from long hair... though at the same time not too short... I kinda like this:
wants her hair.... and boobies.....
What does the confluence of minds think??
wants her hair.... and boobies.....
What does the confluence of minds think??
Thursday, May 05, 2005
05/05/05
Today at 5:05:05 am & pm the time will be 05:05:05 05/05/005.... 05.05.005 comes only once in 1000 years and coinciding with Thursday (5th Day of the week) comes only once in 7000 yrs. Holy crap! It's 55 degrees out!
Alteaaaa! You're so cute and squishy!
Alteaaaa! You're so cute and squishy!
The Coachella Experience. PHOOTTOOOOSSS
Nancy, moi and Jason... we got the cutest little chinese umbrella there, but I left it behind on accident - sniff
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
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