"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found."

"Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos. "

jouissance

If my feelings get hurt as often as they are, I will cease to feel pain. Is that a new theory you're working on with me, life? Ever just hurt so completely and all encompassing that you just feel nothing? I feel ground up and spit out.

You take the brunt of my frustration and hurt so well, blog. It's not always bad, but when it is it really, really is and I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I am still in this dark place because I have a fascination with pain and loneliness. Do I romanticize suffering? It seems a common occurrence in humankind, but what benefit does it serve? Evolutionarily speaking, the irrational behaviour of humans is what sets us apart from other animals... we are, for lack of a better word, ridiculous. We want things we can't have and we pine for them harder yet when we are denied them. If we were smart monkeys we would see the unattainable object of our desire as a futile objective and move along to the next best thing that comes our way. Instead, we chase our fantasy and our desire for the forbidden and unavailable fuels our passion, then we sabotage our chances and chase them some more. A cycle of madness.

I need to think about this and figure it out.

Saving Ourselves From Ourselves.

"Lacan says that anxiety is generated when you come too close to the object of desire. This is because the aim of desire is to sustain itself as desire - if you ever really reached what you desire, desire would end because you would be satisfied. In order to continue desiring, you have to sabotage yourself when you get too close to success to postpone the moment of satisfaction as long as possible. So what you want is the possibility or hope of satisfying your desires, but no more than that. When you actually get what you desire, it's horrible, you have to construct some obstacle to keep it at a distance. What seems to have happened to you is that you believe that everything is possible, there are no obstacles, so there is nothing you want.

Fortunately, Lacan offers another mode: drive. Where desire is filled with anguish over the phantasmic lost object that it desperately wants to be reunited with and yet sabotages itself in actually achieving that, for drive, loss is the object. Drive endlessly, relentlessly circulates around the void, continually re-enacting dissatisfaction, the failure of any object to fill that void and be truly satisfying and getting a kind of inert pleasure out of it. Drive is blind and mindless, like in the Disney short The Sorcerer's Apprentice where the enchanted broom floods the room with water and can't be stopped, even when it gets chopped into pieces, it recreates itself and continues.

You create your own absence, you are the lost object. The main problem is that you are making yourself the lost object in the Other's desire. Whoever is waiting for you is dissatisfied with your absence, wondering, "Where is she!?" You are creating loss in the Other, maybe to create a place where you can belong. Your drive should circulate around your own void, not someone else's."


via my bro

It's okaaaaaaaaaay

Good things, so many good things in my life. Not going to focus on one thing that sucks and ruin a perfectly lovely fall day.

Good things.

I MISS YOU TOO EFFING MUCH! But it's 1am and I've had some drinks, so I can't trust myself, my thoughts or my feelings.

Godammit! It's so simple. I am me and you are you. How complicated does that really sound?

Mehhhhhhhh.

Dont ever tell anybody anything If you do you start missing everybody

I miss you today and there's nothing I can do, nor anyone to tell that would care or make it better. The temptation to pick up my phone and call or text is so strong, I think I will leave it at home today. :) I hardly answer my phone as it is and the only reason I seem to carry it with me and check it is to see if you have called. But why would you? I told you not to. It has been 10 days and I can't help but feel a little empty inside. I'm alright though, really. It's the way it has to be for now... or forever. No happy mediums on this one, huh? Sucks.

I have to accept that the chapter is over, the scene is done. Now if only the stars were on our side, one day. They'd align for us again, some day. Perhaps? I don't know...

Please don't forget me.

Glory Hallelujah!

People at the new jobby are cool, hardworking and professional! What a frickin' relief. AND not a single white trash, hillbilly. SCORE!!

Haha. I'm terrible, I know! But seriously, I just can't relate to those kinds of people no matter how hard I try and the last place I worked seemed to attract them. Completely different culture that I have never been exposed to. They are nice enough, but it's just hard for me (or them) to find common ground. Just the way it is. Blame God, or someone. I worked there for 2 years so I give myself for credit for that!

We're having our grand opening tomorrow and looks like it's going to be a good gig, financially, socially, plus we wear all black: mini skirts and cute shoes, but very professional looking.

Happy face! :)

Damn Songs

Making me sad. :(



Skipped some important things I needed to do today in favour of a 2 hour chat with an amazing lady I am lucky to know. I wouldn't know her if it weren't for certain people, so I guess some good can come from all the bad. She's a little older, but we're quite a like in many ways and she can relate to this 20-something-mess-of-a-self... The good news? She's in a good place now. She went through the wringer, but in the end learned the tough lessons. Her life gives me courage.

Realizing that I need to stop worrying about other people and focus on fixing my broken self. You'd think that's what I have been doing, but honestly I have not really made the concerted effort I could be. Life is a journey, I know. We'll always be a little broken, or maybe a lot. We'll always have our demons lurking in the shadows. I would at least to get to the point where I understand better why I do all the crazy shit I do... and then I guess eventually quit doing it! This last year and a half has been a definitive peeling off of layers experience, but there's more. In a way, I'd love nothing more than to bury my head in the sand and hope everything just works out magically. Yet, a bigger part of me is sick of the cycle of madness and emotional turmoil.

Something's broken and I need to fix it before I make irreversible bad decisions, that are made solely out of fear.  I'm just so tired and raw.

Am I going to survive this? If you're going through hell, keep going. Right?

"Everything passes away-suffering,pain, blood, hunger,pestilence. The sword will pass away too, but the stars will remain when the shadows of our presence and our deeds have vanished from the Earth. There is no man who does not know that. Why, then, will we not turn our eyes toward the stars? Why?"

— Mikhail Bulgakov

Umm

Ahhhh I am ruining it!!

Told you. I suck. Fix me please.

Oh and I guess this would be "successful" day 3.  I did have a moment and that moment sucked. Major suckage. One day at a time, right? One day at a time.

Useful Distractions

Useful observations.

My drama class is totally awesome, mainly because it's a class I get elective credit for AND it's nothing like a regular class. I have to do a 7-10 minute scene with a partner and one of the exercises to help us work together is the "Trust Exercise". Essentially,  my partner (who I don't know very well at all) led me on an obstacle course around the school while I had my eyes closed. It may not sound that crazy, but I was amazed on the profound affect it had on me. Number one, I realized I really don't have a high level of trust at all. Getting started was hard and I was pretty adamant that I could not really trust that he would ensure I didn't fall down a flight of stairs. My suspicions were going full throttle. Honestly, I was pretty annoyed at myself because I was trying not to feel that way, but I couldn't help it.

Eventually I somehow managed to make a deal with myself and decided I was just going to do this properly and jeez, what a difference! I felt 100% different when I made the choice to trust in my own instincts and also to trust him. All my senses were heightened, except of course for sight: touch, smell, hearing and likely if I had decided to eat something then my taste buds would have been on fire. The main difference that stood out to me was an obvious release of physical tension and then the realization that I walk around tense and suspicious more often than not. It was just a dumb activity, but I like doing things that give you something to compare a before and after. When you have a physical manifestation happen to you, it's a lot easier to go back to that feeling at a later time. If you need it.

Dumb, but good. Take a drama class! :)

The Places That Scare You

❝The essence of bravery is being without self-deception.❞ - Pema Chödrön

Tonight's Jam.

Of whatever and such

"Keep hope alive." "Never give up hope." "Where there is life there is hope." I always hear these and I often quote them, but really... why bother? What is hope good for? Hope seems to be just a carrot in front of me, that I am perpetually chasing. It's always in the forefront of my mind and I feel worried or anxious if I forget about it, for a period of time. Addicted to hope. It distracts me from the empty moments and plays like a movie that has to have a happy ending. I don't want to accept that the fantasy I impose on my life, is just that: a fantasy. It's almost like it gives me some assurance that insecurity and pain will somehow be magically exterminated.

I am starting to wonder if I am missing the point of life altogether. Starting now to realize that I have spent years of my life chasing ideals, beliefs, expectations, hope, purpose and meaning. In all honesty, I feel a bit like a dog chasing it's tail. Running in circles, and chasing that carrot, to avoid letting go of this infrastructure that makes me feel safe. But does it? The more I investigate and scrutinize everything that is supposed to make us think we know shit about anything at all, the more they seem like distractions from all that we are afraid of. We will never escape fear, but we try and try and try. If hope could somehow guarantee love and life forever, or whatever, well maybe it would be worth chasing. But it doesn't. The continual dashing of hope, the falling deeper into despair and hopelessness each time. I would much rather be at peace with my insecurities and groundlessness, than artificially cushion my fears with stories that make me feel superficially that I am okay, that I am safe.

Stay with the fear, stay with the pain in your heart, stay with the darkness and eventually you just get used to those being around you. Don't use the fantasy of hope to distract you from right now, because you need this moment and you are cheating yourself out of gaining perspective and of finding real peace in your heart and mind, if you instinctively run for the comfort of your personal daydreams. When you've closed all the emergency exits and you have nowhere to escape to, that's when your amazing superhuman strength can be manifested and when things become clear.

I guess? I don't know anything. This is all one big experiment, but in focusing on the moment, there's really only one thing I can be sure of: I'm starving!