And it's not so bad

This is something I need. To just wing it on my own and that is what I intend to do. How can you ever really understand what is loneliness unless you experience it first hand? Not that I am lonely right now, but the chances of being so are much higher... haha. No, I have some really great people around who are such a joy to be with that maybe my endeavour will be thwarted. Oh well, God must know my capacity and what I can handle cuz the amount I seek out stoicism... albeit ala Emma which allows for display of feeling and complaining, hee hee... even still, I seek it out and it just never hits me full on and I'm thinkintg if it did one day I might never get out of my favourite chosen curled-in-ball state. EVER! That would be sad, I don't think I can be a depressed person very well, I'll just like laugh and be all "DANGIT! I don't do this very well!".. I admit it. I'm a failure. I want to be able to do everything INCLUDING stay depressed for longer than a day but it's just so tough! All that stupid "silver lining", "sunshine through the rain" crap and quotes like "Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats." help you suddenly realize that you can't just slump down and give up, you have to keep forging on and not fear what life has in store for you - something good comes out of everything. It's like it messes with your head and before you know it you're all seeing some "silver lining". It's bullshit I say!! :P

Well la la la, I'm fine and alive, don't worry about me - I've got thick skin and am excited about the future!

Also, I need some more comments on my blog so...



Hee hee. I rule so hard it's not even funny!

sheesh

is someone emo or what!

ecch, you'll live.

(I talk to myself.)

I need you to go

or stay - either way.
stupid heart.
it's time to put you in a box and there you shall stay.
i'll hide you where no one can find you, not even me.
you do me no good, you're worthless and cruel.
...but what if that's me?
i don't want you, go away, i already know what you do.
you tempt me, taunt me with your magic in your voice.
the sound is so sweet but the sweetness turns sour.
but i follow, i go, i believe there's no harm.
but look now the pieces, they're all shattered behind me.
you've never been right or is it me who is wrong?
if you give me no reason to think you can guide,
don't try to convince i am worthy to love.
you're fleating, a phanthom, yet you pose so sincere.
please leave me in peace, i don't like how you feel.
...though maybe I do I don't like what you do.
why must i hurt others, please hurt me instead
with endings so tragic, i can't handle the shame.
hush, fade away, go to sleep, go to sleep
all I want is to live not knowing you're there.

silence

Numb

Maybe I'm regressing, one step backwards everyday. In my heart I know something's not quite right, but I don't know if that's my built in fears coming to life. I try to shut my mind and forget, my thoughts, raging are burning in my head. When it all stops for a second... I just feel numb. I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad. My emotions are stagnant. My thoughts... still and quiet. Will it all just fade away?

Unable so lost
I can't find my way
Been searching, but I have never seen
A turning, a turning from deceit

Cos the child roses like
Try to reveal what I could feel

I can't understand myself anymore
But I m still feeling lonely
Feeling so unholy

Cos the child roses like
Try to reveal what I could feel
But this loneliness
It just won't leave me alone

I'm fooling somebody
A faithless path to roam
Deceiving to breath this secretly
This silence, a silence I can't bear

Cos the child roses like
Try to reveal what I could feel
And this loneliness
It just won't leave me alone

--Portishead

That's the way...

uh huh uh huh...




I like it!

Oh help.

14 hour work day today and again tomorrow.

Alright!

After much deliberation ("should I go? *browses through flickr photos* "Oh, hell ya!") I am officially posting my decision to attend BurningMan this year, so that if I don't end up going you can make me feel guilty constantly and remind me over and over that I lack commitment, backbone, allegiance etc, as that is something I really can't handle X-)

Luckily it's only 3 hours drive from the likes of Sacramento (the west coast is good to me) so it shouldn't be hard getting out there. This will be my first year so I don't quite know what to expect, except visualizations as seen through the eyes of someone on acid... but not on acid. They say it's one of those things you've got to see to understand. So far I know my bro and Miss Livinginaworld will be going, with my little niece of course, and if things go as planned I get to attend my very first wedding (I'm not kidding). Though it will be estilo-burningman it will be a wedding, of sorts, none the less! So it's all very very ESSITING!!!

So i'm thinking about body paint, but can that stuff really stay on in 107 degree weather? I'll make a way.

So who's a coming? You know you've got to... ask me, I'll convince you!

Read the FAQ

well hello... there

Oh blog, why dost thou require my soul be delivered to thee everytime in order to start some action!!?? I dunno, sometimes it's so hard to write anything unless it has some kind of profound meaning or earth shattering wisdom attached to it. There are plenty of bloggers who can do the whole "blogging about their day humm drumm"... thing. I just can't. I like my writing to... hmmm... frolic! It needs energy and life, a hint of profundity or it's not worth putting... pencil to paper (bleh, I hate it when those little phrases don't work anymore) I don't want to lose all interest in my blog or delete it. I like my blog and I like posting! Just... gets... stuck. Ah well, it needent be this way I suppose, I have the power!! Going to make me some nice coffeeeeee and I'll be right back to see how this cookie crumbles.

Soooooooooooooo goooooooooooood! Foamy, rich, and so aromatic. Man, I love that stuff. It makes me smile and I think only happy thoughts. That would be my drug of choice and I don't care what ANYONE has to say about that, ahem you know who you are! So, if you don't already know, this awesomely-cool-totally-all-that-is-rad friend of mine did the nicest thing anyone could do for me and got me a little espresso maker (I was whining on myspace and said someone should get me one to make me happy and he did even though I was totally kidding!!! wooot!) NOW I can enjoy a nice cuppa whenever I please! yay! Definitely been the highlight of the last 2 weeks or so. Thank yoooooou! You da bestest!

EDITED -- reading over this again I didn't like the sound of my last paragraph after all. Too much of an unnecessary negative twist. This leaves off far better. :)