ONE!

Successfulish.

I was in the worst of moods all day today, felt so sad, but hanging out with Mara and Altea today made me feel tons better. And I almost didn't go over there. I need to remember that sometimes doing the things I don't feel like doing at all (ie. being around people) is the thing I need to do most. Especially kids. They are so unfazed and completely engrossed in the moment. They could care less about anything that is going on that is not in their immediate vantage point. Gosh, that's got to be me one of these days.

I can only do what feels right, otherwise living with that nagging feeling inside that something is not quite right will drive me insane. It's not right, it's not okay. This is better, this is the only way it could be better - even if what I end up with is the opposite of what I want right now... it will still be better than something that feels not quite right. But maybe. Maybe it will turn out to be exactly what I want. Maybe?

Trust. So, so hard, but I have no choice anymore. The only control I have is over my own measly existence... I have no control over anything that doesn't live inside my head. Will you choose well? I hope you don't wait too long, because life is so short and it moves on regardless of how much time we take. Every step that we take: the one that could be our biggest mistake and we'll never know. That's the risk we take every single day, that we'll never really know. You have to decide if the risk is worth it. Personally? I think it is, but I see the world through rose coloured glasses (when it's not fucking me up) and I see you with those same glasses. To the core, I think we are all intrinsically good. Yet though we have all been dealt a difficult hand and under even the most difficult of circumstances, it is entirely possible to succeed in life and to live well. 'We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.’ I am determined that I will live well!

Please. Fight for what you want, before it's too late. Time passes so quickly and eventually it will run out. What can we do, but just going to keep on trucking and see where we end up? That's all I can do.

It's just so cold and I miss you.

When Did it Happen That Nothing Makes Much Sense?

I remember life making more sense, once upon a time. Or did it never? Memories are tricky things.

I'm living an oxymoron as I protect myself from a good thing in order to be good and do good things. See? That makes no sense.

Okay, I'm giving myself a 30 day challenge. I'm going to post something everyday just to ensure that I am keeping my word. I've got buckets of paint, a blank canvas, figuratively speaking, and every intention of throwing the colours at the senselessness of it all. Maybe it will be something beautiful... I'm afraid it won't, but I am hopeful

Goddamn this sucks right now, no way I can pretend that it won't suck exponentially in a few days.

Oh boy... here we go...

Ouch

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch, tear, ouch ouch ouch, tear, ouch ouch ouch ouch.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Thanks For This.

- love is not sex - getting laid can help you remember that you're still sexy and there are other fish in the sea. self-love, likewise. Don't hang your whole sexual identity around one person
- love is not companionship - get other people in your life to spend time with you and even go to couple-y things with you if you don't like to be alone. It's okay to take a pal to a friend's wedding, it's okay to take a friend visiting your parents
- love is not medicine - sometimes it's easy to make feeling strongly about another person keep you from attenting to yourself and the absence of that feeling can be a vacuum to bad feelings about yourself. realize this effect, try to mitigate it with good treatment of yourself.
- love is not only to/from The One - there are other people who love you and who you love, most likely, reconnect with them and get a little love sent your way, even if it's friendly love or even the love of a good gerbil.
- love goes out as well as in - find other things to love in your life and it will help make you not feel like a bottled up love thermos waiting for another person to be poured into. Go love the river, or a pet, or a family member, or your local mailman, or whatever. Letting it out is a good way to practice and be ready for it to come back in as well.

But then... (When Your Heart's On Fire) Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

"Living," they say,

"is sometimes like licking honey off a thorn."

Getting better at this "feeling less" business, but could that just be telling me I am getting better at piling on the band-aids? Sometimes I feel really good, I'm just cruising. Not too high, not too low. Like I have come to accept what is and my energy levels are strong. But then, from seemingly nowhere, those thoughts creep in that make me question everything once again and I slowly spiral downwards. I hope I have learned how to catch myself from losing control... I suppose if you practice letting yourself get close to that point often enough, you eventually learn to master the come-back - yeah, that would be a theory I am talking myself into (don't try this at home, kids!). Oh Emma, Emma, Emmmmmmaaaa.

Maybe I am just confused. Perhaps I confuse my need for being alone right now to mean there is something more severely wrong than there is. That intervention on the sisters helped calm this house down and I definitely feel a sense of peace being here. For the very first time since I have been here. Which is so nice! Unfortunately, this house is riddled with memories of the awful kinds and memories of the wonderful kinds. So for awhile "home" was not the place I felt comfort and safe. It's the worst, worst, worst feeling - no escaping, no hiding, no safety. If you don't find sanctuary at home - where else could you find it? There's a heckuva lot of baggage in this place for having only been here two years, myself. But who am I kidding? There's baggage everywhere. I think I just had a moment of insanity before I moved here, thinking that moving here would be some fairy tale answer to everything. Gosh, why do I do that? In the moment, everything I imagine seems attainable and easy - but the reality of how things turn out is that they are way harder than I psychologically prepared myself for. Resulting in madness and catastrophe, of sorts. Stupid fantasies!

Time to dose reality and remind myself that life sucks, life is hard, life would love to beat me down - and no, not in a "Oh poor me!" sort of way. Just, you know. The way it actually is. It's not a fairy tale no matter how much you wish it were. Yet I can't help wishing. No, no I am not entirely ridiculous that I believe it could be a fairy tale. I just can't accept the possibility of life *actually* sucking... even if it were absolutely true, all the time. Does everyone cope with life by holding the crap it throws at you and thinking somehow this is crap in your hands is  actually something lovely?

WTF, life. I love it, then I hate it. Argh!

Black Guitar

So long as your mind falls for life then life will fall for you

And I will love you for another life and another you

But as long as you will shadow me then I won't bear the fruits

That will want to make me love you another night and another you

Black guitar gave me a song

The role of your own demise awash my tears

If the sun may blind you

I find you the moon

No one shadows

The retina of your heart

So long as your eyes follow mine then mine will fall on you

And I will blind you for another night and another moon

But as long as you will battle me then I will stand accused

With a mind that will make you wonder is there a sun or is there a moon

Black guitar gave me a voice

The famous last words all I hate is here

Moving onto urgent matters

In the end I didn't die

I didn't die

--Blonde Redhead

KeepItTogether

keepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogether (ad infinitum)

A Thing

Going back to plan A, because plans B, C, D, E, F and G (etc.) have not managed to emulsify with my rebellious soul.

Pre-reqs for Nursing School - here we go.

I am

Fueling everything I feel for you into making my life awesome. And I think it's working. Did I not once say I needed to re-channel my negative energy into something productive? Well, here's re-channeling.

I hope that in this very moment you are smiling.

Extraño tu sonrisa...

Bang Gang

Learning this song on guitar. So pretty.

Bang Gang - It's Alright

Argh!

This is hard. Late at night in, a silent house, my thoughts drift to you and my hands to my phone as it stares me down, begging me to call you. Every time I do that it screws me up. The process of letting go of love when it's still alive... in both parties... is probably the single hardest endeavour one can undertake. Killing something that is living. Murdering love?

C'est la vie, c'est la vie. The past has faded to nothing and there's nowhere to go except forward. I am just too tired to go back and forth any longer. There are too many things I need a fully functioning brain/heart/mind/body to do! The limbo and the treading of water robs so much life out of me, I'm afraid of how this could end: a failed me, a decimated us.

Ah, but how I loathe the inability to see what's ahead. The ever present wish for someone to take my hand and lead me through the crazy maze of this life is always strong, but at the same time I relish this opportunity to fly completely unrestrained. We all need that sense of freedom to grow into our own skin. As different as we may be, you and I, we're birds of a feather and if we just give ourselves this time, we're going to be okay. Learning how to be right with yourself, by yourself, makes being with others work a lot better.

Must. Stay. Strong.

"But the greatest gift in the power of loneliness to bestow is the realization that life does not consist either of wallowing in the past or of peering anxiously at the future, and it is appalling to to contemplate the great number of of often painful steps by which one arrives at a truth so old, so obvious, and so frequently expressed. It is good for one to appreciate that life is now. Whether it offers little or much, life is now- this day- this hour - and is probably the only experience of the kind one is to have.

Solitude performs the inestimable service of letting us discover that it is our lives we are at every moment passing through, and not some useless, ugly, interpolated interval between what has been and what is to come. Life does not know such intervals. they can have no separate identity for they are life itself, and to realize this makes what has seemed long and without value both precious and fleeting. The fleeting present may not be just what we dreamed it might be, but it has the advantage of being present, whereas our past is dead and our future may never be born."


Nevertheless... ARGH!!!

Perhaps it is comforting to know that there is no one alone in feeling alone.

It's okay.

Never stop thinking. This is important. If someone ever says to you ‘You need to stop thinking so much,’ call them ignorant in your head and keep thinking deeper. It is this mentality that breeds stupidity. Your mind is the most important tool you have, if you stop using it, it will shrivel.

I get that there's a time for everything, but it's so rare to hear encouragement to think more, think harder. Diving into the depths of life and all that it is, or isn't, is an adventure that I can't understand anyone not wanting to take. No, that's a lie. I GET it. It's hard frickin' work, it's a little scary at times, it's a little lonely at times, and perhaps crippled with a touch of running circles around issues with no answers. But honestly, do you think that remaining in a bubble of what you've always known just because it's comfortable and safe is good excuse for remaining there? Too many people are stuck in their bubbles. I feel like walking down the street popping them one by one. Let life happen to you.

Sometimes I feel a little guilty. Right now I am still experimenting with who I am, what I like, what I want and what I think. It takes a lot of thought to go through everything and I feel a little selfish in having particular needs: ie, a strong desire to not be around most people. Maybe I am still protecting myself from the pain of wounds that are still open, but it's a good excuse for me to hide from the world and explore everything. Free from pressure to please anyone or worry about their opinion of me. (I know, my Achilles' heel. Buh!)

I don't dislike anyone - I'm just in observation mode. Participating, but with observation and education being the driving forces behind this. One of the things I have learned to enjoy the most is stretching the boundaries of what I think I am capable of doing. Dumb things even. Acting! I have never taken a drama class in my life and have never thought I could be an actor of any kind (too shy/worried about people's judgements), but as part of my resolution to take steps to not be held back by irrational fears... to not LIMIT myself due to irrational fears... I'm in an acting class. Woop! It's still early days and I am yet to actually do a monologue or memorize lines, buuuuut that will come shortly. Anyway. Something silly, yet quite effective for this endeavor of mine.

If I could impose one rule on myself it would be this: Don’t take anything too seriously.


Oooh thunder.

 I don't want the world, I just want your half.

Spoken Louder than Words