Oddities of the ordinary.

I'm a blogger at heart, I think. :) I've come to the conclusion that people can sap me dry emotionally and I turn into an empty shell, I just exist. So by the same token, It's important for me to take charge and disassociate myself from people who effect me negatively. Not easy when you're already limited in the friends market, tho it's really not terrible seeing that I'm really a bit of a loner anyway. I do get lonely occasionally and I do look for companionship occasionally, but I don't need constant attention to stay satisfied. Really really. So, I'm more relaxed, more concentrated, happier... than I was for sure but it's still an upward climb!

So, the urge to get back to this has once again set in and I'm rediscovering the joy I once had in going throughout my day imagining JUST HOW I might express something that I'd experienced that day, in words. It's always a challenge to capture the full emotion and essence, but that's the beauty of writing. Having a blog seems to help me keep focus on certain aspects that I'm thinking about a lot and work through them, like concentrating on untangling a knot. Now, I'll let you in on the formula to untangling a knot... Emma-style, it's proven to be effective each and every time. :) Step 1: First off you need to idiotically shake the wire or string around, starting off gently and calmly but working your way up to furiously. all the while being oblivious to how much worse you're making it - still *hoping* to loosen it. Do this for about 8 - 12 minutes non-stop and if anyone says anything to you just glare at them and tell them you know what you're doing. Step 2: Once said person leaves the room get really really mad! Cuss and swear at it and let it know good and hard how fucking annoying it is, make sure you jump up and down a few times too as you're talking to it - let it know who's boss!! Step 3: Sit down. Take 5 -7 deep breaths, and resume steps 1 - 3 Step 4: After you're about to give up *forever* sit down again, carefully focus on the mass of a knot that is at least double what you started with and slowly begin disentangling it. Voila!!! You're done!

Oh that's SO me!!

I'm studying my wines as I'm writing this and are they confuuuusing! There are so many variables depending on age, region, percentage of certain grapes etc etc. How anyone can REALLY say they know about wines is incredible, but I guess that's why certified wine experts are allowed to be arrogant cuz in actuality they are not human at all but GOD'S! :) I haven't yet had the pleasure of visiting our most famous "wine lands" here in California after being here a YEAR!! That's unacceptable I'll say! I'ma have to find myself some cool peeps who'd like to roll with me, taste a ton of wine and get lost in the vineyards at sunset. :) So wish me luck! Interview tomorrow at Lucca!! May the gods smile on me.

My Song For Life

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me..
Always love… Hate will get you everytime
Always love… Don’t wait till the finish line

Slow demands come 'round
Squeeze the air and keep the rest out
It helps to write it down
Even when you then cross it out

But Always Love… Hate will get you every time
Always Love… Even when you are defied

Self-directed lies
I want to know what it’d be like to
Aim so high above
every card that has been dealt you...

Always Love… Hate will get you every time
Always Love… Hate will get you

I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs.
You said…
Hey, you good ones.
Hey, you good ones.

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me
Always love…hate will get you everytime
Always love…hate will get you…

- Always Love by Nada Surf

PS If they are ever in your neighbourhood you should really try to see these guys live. Amazing!

Yesterday...

Realization can be harsh. I've never been so powerless and at someone elses mercy till yesterday. I only make it worse, I know, but I guess I can't let go till I know. Now I know.

Oh look! A quote from my blog. Sums things up!

"Sigh

My brain hurts, my heart hurts, I cut my little finger and THAT HURTS, but I was unlucky to be a born a Piscean who can never escape pain, so this is no new phenomenon. Twist my cloud and it rains, and when it rains it bloody well pours! But ah! Sweet tears, they rejuvenate the soul and clear the fog from your eyes. I'm not afraid to cry, but I would so prefer to do so with someone holding me. :)"

I'm determined. I just feel a little alone in the world right now.

Dedicated to Luchi, incase she thinks she's forgotten...

I'm skipping out on Halloween oartying this weekend, not feeling the great organization of ready made, expensive costumes this time. Besides I don't think my style would really fly, or perhaps it will fly more than I'd be ready for. I'm letting this one pass, I'm not American enough to CELEBRATE whatever it is we're celebrating just yet. Hell I didn't even know what candied corn was till yesterday. (people looked at me funny, I smiled inwardly) I think if one grows up with traditions it just comes naturally to dedicate a day to candy and poorly made outfits with the same price tag as a good pair of jeans. Someday, someday.

So yesterday I had the day off, went to breakfast with Teresa and for a change I didn't famously order those huge platters that I think I can finish and never can. When it comes to breakfast I ALWAYS think I can eat a pile of pancakes that takes half to plate, 2 sausages, 2 bits of bacon, 2 eggs, toast and potatoes. It took some restraint but I actually only had potatoes, an egg and 2 sausages. I ATE IT ALL!!! HURRAYY!! hehe. I think it has something to with the fact that I'm kinda bad these days... I see buying as food as such a waste of money so I try to spend as little as possible and usually try to get all my nutrients into one meal. Yep. One meal. Stop glaring! Hey, this is the first time it's just me taking care of me, so I think I am allowed to go through the process of learning how to not die... you know eat and stay alive, that kinda thing. I'm working on it!!!

Oh a few good things lately. So we walked around downtown yesterday, the weather is so beautiful right now. Just a little crisp and coldness to the air. Leaves are starting to fall. To me it's definitely the season to be in love. (This is nostalgia speaking.) All those things that makes fall so special are the things you want to do with someone you love. So I suppose it makes me a little sad as it's making me feel cosy inside but it's also times like these that I wonder how many times I've taken the special ones in my life for granted. I know we can only learn this after the fact, after we've lost or after we've caused hurt and it's hard to just accept. The awesome thing about the future is that ANYTHING can happen. It's easy for me to look back and reminisce at what once was, but I'm learning it does me no good. I'm going forward to the future this time, going to become the type of person who I'd admire, that's the plan anyway.

I have an interview to serve at a very high-end restaurant called Lucca (french/mediterranean) next Wednesday. I'm really quite nervous as I haven't been a server that long and the place where I am currently working is a little bit relaxed and anything goes. If you want to toss the guests plates on to the table you probably could. No not really, I guess there's just a lot of etiquette that I haven't been taught and nobody's really cared if I knew the winelist or not. So I know nothing about wine and am about to give myself a crash course, which should be interesting if nothing more than an oportunity to conquer my ignorance and a happy time winetasting! :) Finger's crossed I get the job as the money will be so much better, but if not it will just make me a better sever where I am now. So either way. But... please, the way I want!!

So this actually started as reply to an email from Chris (gasp! I actually was about to write SOMEBODY!!!) who is currently in Greece for the rest of the year! Let's all take a moment to be very very jealous................ But passed the first paragraph I decided I needed to turn it into a blog. Oh wow. I'm writing a blog! Am I? Really? Sweet!

Carpe Diem. I'm alive and there's a world out there that's missing out on me, so I think I'm gonna go see what the hell it wants!! I'll be around. Don't worry about me, I haven't forgotten you!!