Carry on

It's not that this past year has been the most painful - yes there's been some, there will be more. But more than that this has just been one of the most difficult, confusing and lonely times I have ever been through. But there's no easy answer. In my earlier years my impulses would have kicked in by now and I would be across the ocean somewhere - until people started telling me I probably use that as escape. (I never saw it that way - it just seemed to be time.) However, a friend mentioned the other day that he wonders how much of all this is environmental. How, though you know you can't blame everything on the place, there is a lot to be said for being somewhere you actually want to be. So now we are in testing mode.

Maybe they are right, maybe these are growing pains, maybe emptiness comes before fulfillment, maybe loneliness is a temporary cocoon, maybe pointlessness evolves into an obvious direction... maybe... We're testing out the mechanism. Some would say, "If you're not happy do something about it." I'm doing what I can, where I am, giving myself less time to think, less idle time. (thus a 2nd job) Trying to make friends, think more about others, fold my clean laundry :), read, sing. A few things I hope to do: volunteer at the children's ward at the hospital, take ice skating lessons, buy some roller skates, learn an interesting instrument like peruvian cane flute or piccolo and finally... "This above all: to thine ownself be true"