Time flies, while it slowly creeps along. I've been gone what feels like so long now, I barely know where home is anymore. Not like anywhere felt like homehome before -- not really, not anymore, but I feel less connected to any place in particular than I've ever felt before. Feelings mixed with excitement for the freedom this gives me and then sadness of how alone I have become. Although, this is what I asked for and this is what I needed, so I am really not complaining. There is a definitive feeling of change inside me, at least change from how I felt about and saw life a year ago. I just hope this is what wisemen might call maturing and not just cynicism.
Realizing all that I don't want in life, while lightening up in areas I might have felt needlessly strong about and mildly self-indignant about has been most relieving. Allowing myself to want what I want and not carrying so much guilt and the expectations of others has been another remarkable weight I'm happy to let go of. Progress? I hope.
Or perhaps I am suffering from regular case of losing the ability to give enough of a fuck about most things. Well, I give a little bit of a fuck. Enough to worry from time to time about how serious a problem not giving a fuck might present itself some day, yet not enough to actually give too much of a fuck about this either.
The tweaking and examination of the moral compass is a bit of a scary endeavour, for me, but I am not exactly in charge of the intrinsic drive to want to examine every single jottle and tit of every single thing I have ever been told or learned. Perhaps I am, except I am certain that knowing why I know what I know is more important than just knowing things. At least having confidence that I thought something through from beginning to end and arrived at the most plausible conclusion... or none at all, but at least I earn some confidence one way or the other. At least I can confidently state that I don't know anything about anything, instead of halfheartedly thinking I know so much. Does that make sense?
I can say one thing: I am excited about the possibility of having a place to call home one day even if, with my current prospects, this seems highly unlikely.
2 comments:
Stumbled across your site and have been enjoying the read. I admit I have been facing the exact same thoughts. Growing up I traveled constantly, and now I still do. While having no roots or ties comes with it a sense of freedom, it has been increasingly difficult to answer the simple question "Where are you from?" as I meet new people, also, to answer this question to myself. More recently I have experienced a almost wistful longing at having the close connections and roots my friends have. Someday I do hope I will find somewhere I can call home.. they say it's where the heart is, but unfortunately for me, that's not true either. Friends scattered around the globe settle in, settle down, and I keep going. Progression? or is it just movement because I feel there must be something more and I am still looking? A sense of restlessness? Perhaps. I wish you luck in finding yours, and that you enjoy the richness of the experiences on the way.
- A Digital Nomad.
Dear Digital Nomad,
I think home will only be around others who have experienced the world as you have... or a very, very select few who have the capacity and openness to understand your life without having lived anything like it. In my experience, these people are usually a little broken and have gone through some crisis in their life. They tend to have an air of humility about them, which to me is possibly the most attractive human characteristic, but one that doesn't come without some intense moments of pain. Not to say that our lives have necessarily caused us tremendous pain, but I think it is a little bit painful for us and the result is that we are a little more sensitive to the pain in others. Our worldliness lends to a more empathetic perspective, a more realistic perspective and we gravitate towards those who share this.
Truly though, your feelings of missing a sense of belonging are all too familiar for me... The "where are you from?" question always turns into a bit of a tongue twister, with people seeming puzzled the answer is not straight forward or simple. I have my quick answer, which I have learned to give most people (because it's just easier that way), and the truth I usually save for those who seem genuinely interested in knowing me.
I am not sure how old you are, but I can tell you from experience that in time you learn to find your own balance in all the chaos and confusion. Mainly, you just get used to being a bit of an oddball and being okay with this. :) And yet through it all, I wouldn't trade my life so far. It's been rough, but I believe that the human experience is disadvantaged if no struggle is required.
Do you have a blog? Would be interested in hearing your story. Always nice to meet the fellow wanderers and seekers. Good luck on your journe
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