I Want You to Know One Thing

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

-- Pablo Neruda

Everything Carries Me to You

Whoa! So, lucky me. Rather than a triumphant re-entry from my 2 and a half month hiatus, like I planned. The gods decided it would be far more fitting if I stumbled back into the city, tripped over my feet and cast a small shadow in my direction that's brought a shroud of grey with it. Oh the lovely hues of grey that I have become well acquainted with these past 2 years. But you know? I think I am at a point where I can handle melancholy with some measure of dignity and less agonizing. Commence skin thickening process!

And yet, it feels good to be back! Today was my first day of class, for which I promptly rose from peaceful slumber at the dreadful 5:30am hour, the hour where sound and life do not exist. Not TERRIBLE considering I am still wrestling with my jetlag, but slightly terrible that I didn't have anywhere to be for 4 more hours. No matter. I had tingles of excitement shooting down my spin even as I pulled into bumper to bumper morning rush hour traffic. The air was crisp, the sun was shining, KEXP played on the radio, and excited for my classes I had one of those tremendous moments of peace in my soul. Shrouds of grey, what? I think peace and turmoil can coexist peacefully. There's no rule that says a sucky situation has to turn into a crisis, but I think you only learn this once you have gone through a few sucky situations and found out (much to your surprise) that you actually survived. Remarkable to understand how this is possible, now. Anyone who would quote "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger." a year ago, would have received multiple pies in the face from me.

You got to make it your own way
But you'll be alright now sugar
You'll feel better tomorrow
Come the morning light now baby

I'm really quite lucky, I realize this. I have the freedom to take off for months on end, to return to a city because I want to, my commitments (or lack thereof) affect no one but me, I can return from taking off for months on end to a clean slate and a chance to do better. I'm not stuck. I really could do whatever I want, right now. That's exactly what I am going to do, starting with a giant breakfast of champions... :)

Busy thinking thoughts about things I've thought and need to think through. Hey, what's new? It's all gonna turn out ok, right? Oh look, there's a light at the end of the tunnel! :)

You ditch it all to stay alive...

...A thousand kisses deep.

HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths

Of night and light and the half light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats (1865–1939)

Something was Broken

...And so I took a running leap and jumped over the edge of a cliff. It was a very, very uncomfortable, unpleasant feeling and I started to fall. Today, that fall hasn't stopped, I'm still falling. But in a way I've gotten used to the sensation of it and in a way I kind of like the sensation of it a lot better than where I was before the jump.

“Like the wisp of a dream I can barely remember.”

I lean into your eyes; those milky apertures

transparent with the film of a lifetime.

*strangle strangle*

When and if circumstance seem to be different, is it not fair to consider reassessing a situation? OR is it completely unfair that I should be once again in a situation where I actually vocalize the words "consider" and "reassess"...

What.
Do.
You.
Want?

Ughhh a little over a week till I am back in Seattle and I feel a furry of emotions.

What's going on? Why are you still around? I thought this was dead and buried. Should I ask? Or should I just keep aimlessly wondering and asking my blog? I could just disappear and never surface again... But my goddamn curiosity is curious! Buhhhhhhhh.

BUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh