Is opening my eyes each morning. Realizing you'll never again be the first thing I see. Reaching out, you'll never be the one I touch. Ahhh we're back once again with the "nevers". Remember how we used to sleep holding pinkies? We both needed space to sleep well, but never wanted to feel too far from each other. And now, we're so, so far away and in time the distance will grow wider each day. A chasm now so deep and impassible. Why does this happen? I don't like it, I don't agree, but life goes on and in the morning I have to get up. And of course I begin to feel better. Yet I wonder if this is just the new me, that has to live with a part of my soul missing from now on? And feel the loss everyday? I'm not sure why you came back, but I understand why you had to leave.
In theory, I get it. I'm needing to summon all logical and rational thinking I can possibly muster and make myself understand.
I'm glad you came back and I got to share just a few more small moments in time with you. They're starting to feel like a blink of an eye now, though. Where did all the time go? So many memories. For whatever this is worth to you - love is not something that fades just because it's not convenient. I wish it were that way, honestly. This hasn't exactly been convenient for me. :) But you know, I wouldn't trade this whole mess of an I-don't-know-what for anything in the world. To go through life and never experience a broken heart would take away the assurance that I have, that I loved and loved so fully and completely another human being. I loved you. I think I can learn to be happy and content knowing what it was like to love someone so much. To feel the invincibility of two souls combined as one... and then, such a different feeling when those perfect souls rip apart. Heartbreak is a vital part of the human experience, I believe. It's an honest gauge of the depth and intensity of love. Maybe I use a sadistic measuring instrument, I just can't help but think that those who have never been heartbroken have never truly been swept up in the ecstasy of real love. It's a risk to let your heart go, for me - I would rather risk heartbreak and know that at least I loved completely.
Thank you for loving me, even when it was hard and even though you might now regret having done so. Thank you for being the brightest experience of my life... and honestly, the darkest as well. But what is light without darkness? The darkness has just as much a right to exist as the light, at different times in our lives. I don't hold any of this against you - this is part of the path my life has to take. Thank you for some of the most incredible experiences I have ever shared with another human being. Thank you for the little moments, when I felt so safe and close to you that I imagined nothing could ever change. Thank you for loving me in such a way that I didn't doubt you for a second. It wasn't perfect and eventually things got out of our control, but the love was always so pure, so flawless.
I guess the lesson is to be careful who you let under your skin... but then again, these things just seem to happen and you can't help how they do or how they turn out. Just saying. Not sure I could ever stop missing you completely. Here I go, trying my best.
Good luck to us both? I have no idea what the future holds, but I don't want to be afraid anymore. I've spent too many days.weeks/months in my life afraid. So, instead I will think about what this experience has done for me and what it has taught me: a lot about being human, the weakness and strength of emotion, what love is and how powerful a combination these are combined. It's still a mystery to me what I will possibly do with any of this. I don't want to replace you.
You'll never be lost to me! You've made such an impression on my heart I can only wish for you to be happy in what ever way that suits you best. I can't hold on to something out of fear of losing it, because then I will truly lose it forever. But please, promise me one thing? Please be gentle on yourself. It's a hard battle sometimes, but you also deserve to be loved and cherished and to allow yourself to love and cherish someone, too.
I'm glad you came into my life and let me love you. I hope I made you happy sometimes and you felt as safe with me as I felt with you. It's really a precious feeling. Goodbye, my sweetest memory.
"Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me" - working on the "and I'm feeeeeling gooooood" part. :) One step at a time. One step at a time.
4 comments:
I think the fact that you have had a love that strong counts you among the lucky few. The saying, "its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" must have some truth in it. I remember what it was like to look at the person I love and realize they have given everything to me and that we shared something beyond what most people will ever experience.
Thanks for writing, thank you for sharing a part of your soul to anonymous persons on the internet. It's oddly comforting to hear about it, even if I don't really know you.
It gets better. It doesn’t ever really go away tho.
~Digital Nomad
Aww your comment made me tear up. I am glad to see you write "the person I love", in present tense. :)
Thanks for reading, I guess. I forget sometimes that people read these inane ramblings of mine from time to time. But if this makes the slightest bit of sense and resonates with you or anyone in some way - I suppose that's nice to know that all this is not a complete waste of megapixels.
Not a waste of pixels in the slightest. Far from it.
Unfortunately, although one part of that sentence was written in present tense and is still true... Those times are now past tense. Perhaps why allot of what you write about seems so familiar to me.
Whatever you do, keep your head up and don't forget to smile.
~Digital Nomad
Fell asleep holding pinkies!! That's one for the bucket list. :)
Post a Comment