ebb, ebb, ebb, brief-flash-of-flow, more ebb, ebb, ebb

“We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts not breaths; in feelings, not in figures on a dial. We should count time by heart throbs. He most lives who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.”

Thank you Astrology

This is a good day for leaving the humdrum, everyday world and traveling in your mind to a fanciful and pleasantly unreal world.

Don't mind if I do!

I miss

Being physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, pathetically connected to another human being. Harder than facing the world, is doing so when my reasons are forced to come from within, alone.

To feel charged and energized after perfectly syncing to another human soul... loneliness, you're teaching me to survive without my lifeblood. I wonder if this is healthy or just pushing me further into my own personal void.

I'm trying to force myself not to close up too much, but things keep happening that make me wonder how much more I can handle. The world can be so cruel, so unnecessarily cruel. There's so much to understand and yet so few answers to all my questions. I'm caught in a vicious cycle of wanting to know, of asking the unanswerable, of sinking into hopelessness when I can't find what I'm looking for. None of this mattered before, why does it matter now? Why do I feel like I'm just not exactly cut out for this world sometimes? Everything is so intense and I don't feel strong enough to bear the weight of my emotions. Aghhhh why why whyyyy. I can't stop asking why. :(

Lately, I just want to hide away from it all. And listen to this song.

Just Want to Disappear Completely.

In a little while.
I'll be gone.
The moment's already passed.
Yeah it's gone.
And I'm not here.
This isn't happening.
I'm not here.

Small Moments of Serenity

Life's pretty good when you let yourself enjoy it and quit having something to worry about constantly. Self imposed. Naturally.

I'm enjoying my homemade cappuccino and toast with butter and orange marmalade. If you ever wanted to know my ideal morning comfort food, well now you know. Just something about the combination on a peaceful morning that asks me "why worry?", a question unspoken that resonates the expansive hollow of my mind. I'll ponder for a moment, as the distant 10am church bells peal a faint chime and shrug off with a little "hmph." as if to say "I'll be darned, I'm quite ok!"

A perfect blend of hushed comotion; the reassuring sounds everyday life; a soft, cool breeze fluttering through the blinds; chattering folks at the corner sandwhich shop; a street lamp post that anchors my view of the occasional passing of a lone bicycle or that little old chinese man that collects recycleables all down the street.

I often find myself in this very position again and again. Always appreciating anew a familiar experience I might one day take for granted, but for the time being it is now that I, again, find salvation of peace of mind - just for a moment.

There are always moments when one feels empty and estranged. Such moments are most desirable, for it means the soul has cast its moorings and is sailing for distant places. This is detachment-- when the old is over and the new has not yet come. If you are afraid the state may be distressing, but there is really nothing to be afraid of. Remember the instruction: What ever you come across--go beyond.

- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Somedays...

She's just trying so hard to be someone that just isn't her. What a crazy, freaking journey this is!

I must!

I think it is time I let you go, and that is so hard to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life, but the daydreaming, the running in place it's not healthy. So this is me, cutting the cord. This is me ... saying goodbye.

...I think...

Nothing left to die.

There's nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don't live up until their death...They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think... for them... Most people's deaths are a sham. There's nothing left to die."- C.B.

Happy Birthday Me!! :D

I Want to Feel

A flat line of emotionless wasteland. It's the hardest place for me to be. I don't like to feel sad, but I want to feel and if sadness is the only emotion I can muster - well, then it will have to do. I want to learn to be happy without the need for someone or something to be there to create happiness. He was part of what felt like the great balance in my life, but really the loss of him is an excuse to grieve... the loss of my world, my balance, my religion. How does one replace an entire identity?

Learning the hardest lessons in life right now. Here's hoping I make it!

For a Minute There

I lost myself.