I was seriously considering just being home alone for Christmas, after all what's the big deal? It's just a day, really. But at the same time there's a certain feeling of sadness accompanied with the thought as the day draws nearer and nearer. This past week I have had my first taste of being completely without anyone I feel close to, only surrounded by strangers and strangers I see often. I tried to remedy this by volunteering at a shelter to feed to the homeless. Unsuccesful it was and I was somewhat rudely denied. I wasn't about to be defeated so quickly so I called around some more places but found out that the "goodwill towards all men positions" had been filled, so I lamely gave up. I was thinking I would be fine and prepared to make a weekend of hot cocoa and Gene Kelly movies. But upon further consideration of truly spending Christmas solita, I felt a jolt up my spine that told me such an act would be just the start of my fear of being alone becoming a reality in the long run and that, however superstitious it may sound to others, it would be just a bad omen on this new chapter in my life. It's rather ironic as I really like being alone and hate making random conversation with people who I sometimes feel I am actually forcing myself to hang out with, really just hoping to spark something "real", possibly an excuse to speak with them again, maybe a 3rd time even but have found I have a hard time keeping anything regular going. My combination of shyness, quirky humour and an inability to bullshit my way into sounding intelligent or knowledgable about anything that anyone, other than Angie Luna, finds interesting or funny makes me take to the non-people zones - so I suppose you could say my "hate" is just the bi-product of my self-consciousness and lack of wit. hehe!
Man! I wish I didn't have issues like I do, kinda pisses me off ya know? I want to be content with who I am but it's hard when you feel like you suck most of the time. Accepting yourself sometimes feels like you're compromising just for peace of mind and who wants to compromise?
Well my resolution for this year is to ease up on myself and not take myself quite so serisously.
PS, I didn't end up alone on Christmas. I caught the train to Berkeley, CA to visit some family who I don't know very well and it's been nice. I suppose networking, even if you're just starting with your own family, is one sure way to avoid ending up alone. One person at a time, that's not too scary.
Merry Christmas everyone!!
