7:58am

Why does this happen? I stayed up till almost 4am watching Mad Men last night on the express condition of being able to sleep in today, my day off. And here I am wide awake, but tired as hell. My brother says I am just sensitive to light and need thicker curtains... or curtains at all. He could be right, but I have noticed a general decline in my ability to sleep really well in the last few years. There is always something in the back of my subconscience, surreptitiously tugging me awake. Assignments, work, life. I spend too much time thinking about the weightier issues in life.

I'm not quite sure if this is because I necessarily want to or if I carry a sense of guilt that I am not using my time productively. Part of me feels unfulfilled or dissatisfied by frivolous thoughts and conversations. There's a sense of urgency in knowing that life is short and a requirement to make the most of every moment. Even at ungodly hours in the morning, on a day I could be sleeping all day if I so desired, I am jolted awake as if sleep and rest were mere luxuries my wicked self could not afford.

What is so urgent? Nothing really. I know I will spend the better part of the morning frittering my time away.

Absence

One by one the doors close. Tied knots and different journeys, welcome to your new lives. I've never wanted what most people want, and really, I'm okay with the drifting. I'm okay with having no plan, no obligations to anyone, but at the same time while nothing holds me down, I feel like one day I might just drift away from everyone and everything. If nothing contains me, perhaps I'll slowly disappear. Is this me that I am okay? Most people follow linear paths, why don't I? The haphazard path, the erratic route, the biggest challenge is knowing what comes next. Deep inside I know it's not that... what you now have, but sometimes I'm afraid that I'm poles apart from everyone else.

There it is. That familiar sensation of pain, but this time it's only ever so faint. The small sting of reality and the beautiful photos...  The part of me that mourns is the part of me that is normal.

And so it is...

The sadness doesn't envelope me the same way it used to, it just quietly sits and swells in my heart. So I  lean my face towards the sun, I close my eyes and remember.

Distressed, distressed, distressed.
If you knew how much, would it change a thing?

No. Not a thing.

Meh

I'm over trying to make a good impression.
I'd rather love and be loved for the beast within, than for how skillfully we stroke each other's egos.

In my fear of losing, I hold onto small pieces of my heart. Stacking them they form a barrier between myself and others. No one can get too close. When the inevitable day comes that someone is lost, I add and the barrier grows.

Day by day a little bigger, a little more comforting.

The Silhouette of You

And if fiercely you should come to me, I would meet you.
I would run to you.
Yet, there before me, the silhouette of you, against a fading horizon.
Further and further.
We're nothing now, just ghosts.

The hands of time stretched towards us.
Entangled together they pulled us together, now've torn us apart.
The way became lost. Blackened against the night sky, the once guiding stars no longer serve,
And we drift along
Alone again.
We drift.

But we remember. Oh, we fight it; we fight to forget, but how could we?
When we once danced the dance of love's fleeting mystery.
Only to find, we're now invisibly bound.
In another of life's great tragedies.

I am astonished, disappointed, pleased with myself. I am distressed, depressed, rapturous. I am all these things at once, and cannot add up the sum. I am incapable of determining ultimate worth or worthlessness; I have no judgment about myself and my life. There is nothing I am quite sure about. I have no definite convictions - not about anything, really. I know only that I was born and exist, and it seems to me that I have been carried along. I exist on the foundation of something I do not know.
—
C.G. Jung, near the end of his life, in Memories, Dreams.

…dear, one more sigh
only this, dear, is goodbye
for our love is such pain and such pleasure
that I’ll treasure…

La Vie en Rose

Night descends. The darkness can't be held back as it envelopes the landscape, as far as the eye can see, in pallid shades of black. A daily phenomenon. The retreating sun and the lingering night. I don't spend nearly enough of my waking hours paying attention to these truly incredible occurrences. Much too much time is spent contemplating life on every level, save the very present moment and the present miracle of life that occurs with or without my paying attention. A breath of life, breathed to give life, to create life and without a second thought from myself - the one for whom it gives life. I don't have to ask for it, to work for it, to even realize it exists or desire to exist myself and there it is. Perhaps I take for granted these small miracles. They don't require my approval nor my consent, they happen beyond my awareness, and selflessly persist and exist. Thus I, persist and exist.

Should I ask "What for?" - I'm afraid to ask, but this question likes to linger in the shadow of my consciousness. Living examples of such simple complexity, the processes of life, may I ask what for? For no good reason? Perplexing to imagine that there may be no reason for any of this at all, don't you think? No, maybe let's not ask why anymore. Our human nature longs to have what it can't have. This is nothing new. To demand an answer is to confine nature to a pattern, to give it a textbook definition. Have you noticed that the deeper your desire to know all and have the answers goes, the intenser the anxiety, the greater the fear? Knowing is not our reward. Our reward comes from the acceptance of letting go. Allow the night to fall and the sun will rise tomorrow whether you like it or not.

 You can fight the setting sun, but what good will come of it? Tomorrow, the sun will rise with effortless ease and you'll wake up refreshed. The night must happen. It is not yours to control, it never was, it never will be.

Hush now and sleep in peace through your night.

Letters to a Young Poet

So don't be frightened, dear friend, if a sadness confronts you larger than any you have ever known, casting its shadow over all you do. You must think that something is happening within you, and remember that life has not forgotten you; it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why would you want to exclude from your life any uneasiness, any pain, any depression, since you don't know what work they are accomplishing within you?

In the world we live in,
what we know and what we don't know are like Siamese twins.
Inseparable, existing in a state of confusion.

Confusion, confusion.

Who can really distinguish between the sea and what's reflected in it?
Or tell the difference between the falling rain and loneliness?

Sometimes a butterfly will come to sit in your open palm, but if you close your hand, one way or the other, it—and its choice to be there—is gone.

-~ Barbara Hambly (Dragonsbane)

Always Better Said as a Song

NO ORDINARY LOVE by ANGO

I guess, the good news in all this is that I once vehemently believed I would never feel anything for anyone again.

And then I did.

Thanks?

Except now I am stuck feeling sad and missing. Again, feeling like maybe I'm just not cut out to find the mysterious, lasting love for myself.

Un-Valentines

The wind whispers your smile,
Across the lake
Under starry skies
To a place I have not yet shown you
To a place
Where
My heart resides.

-- GG

When it Wasn't

Awake, as the moon half hidden behind the winter clouds shines, moonbeams like tiny icicles into my room. Brrr so cold. Alone with the moon; what a peculiar place I find myself in. I need to write because I find myself again so full of words, so full of feeling and unable to understand the extent of it all. What's wrong with me? I have to understand, because I want to get it right. Exploring, diving, reaching for answers inside me. I wish I could open myself up and find the truth. Sometimes everything becomes so muddled and unclear.

Moments of clarity in a whirlpool of confusion and chaos. Maybe that is my destiny... I just get lonely sometimes, you know? Is everybody lonely? They hide it better than I. Surrounded by people, but disconnected from everyone. What is it that opens us up to people? Why do we allow some inside, allow some to know us and everyone else has to maintain the mystery? Is loneliness selfish? It seems everything is selfish. We love so we can feel the bliss of giving to someone else, yet we also love hoping that someone else will love us in return. We love each other so we can not feel lonely, so we can brighten our own skies and make ourselves happier. It does work. It's mutually beneficial when you get it right. How selfish we are; how selfish am I to think I need someone to love.

The worst and The best

Is opening my eyes each morning. Realizing you'll never again be the first thing I see. Reaching out, you'll never be the one I touch. Ahhh we're back once again with the "nevers". Remember how we used to sleep holding pinkies? We both needed space to sleep well, but never wanted to feel too far from each other. And now, we're so, so far away and in time the distance will grow wider each day. A chasm now so deep and impassible. Why does this happen? I don't like it, I don't agree, but life goes on and in the morning I have to get up. And of course I begin to feel better. Yet I wonder if this is just the new me, that has to live with a part of my soul missing from now on? And feel the loss everyday? I'm not sure why you came back, but I understand why you had to leave.

In theory, I get it. I'm needing to summon all logical and rational thinking I can possibly muster and make myself understand.

I'm glad you came back and I got to share just a few more small moments in time with you. They're starting to feel like a blink of an eye now, though. Where did all the time go? So many memories. For whatever this is worth to you - love is not something that fades just because it's not convenient. I wish it were that way, honestly. This hasn't exactly been convenient for me. :) But you know, I wouldn't trade this whole mess of an I-don't-know-what for anything in the world. To go through life and never experience a broken heart would take away the assurance that I have, that I loved and loved so fully and completely another human being. I loved you. I think I can learn to be happy and content knowing what it was like to love someone so much. To feel the invincibility of two souls combined as one... and then, such a different feeling when those perfect souls rip apart. Heartbreak is a vital part of the human experience, I believe. It's an honest gauge of the depth and intensity of love. Maybe I use a sadistic measuring instrument, I just can't help but think that those who have never been heartbroken have never truly been swept up in the ecstasy of real love. It's a risk to let your heart go, for me - I would rather risk heartbreak and know that at least I loved completely.

Thank you for loving me, even when it was hard and even though you might now regret having done so. Thank you for being the brightest experience of my life... and honestly, the darkest as well. But what is light without darkness? The darkness has just as much a right to exist as the light, at different times in our lives. I don't hold any of this against you - this is part of the path my life has to take. Thank you for some of the most incredible experiences I have ever shared with another human being. Thank you for the little moments, when I felt so safe and close to you that I imagined nothing could ever change. Thank you for loving me in such a way that I didn't doubt you for a second. It wasn't perfect and eventually things got out of our control, but the love was always so pure, so flawless.

I guess the lesson is to be careful who you let under your skin... but then again, these things just seem to happen and you can't help how they do or how they turn out. Just saying. Not sure I could ever stop missing you completely. Here I go, trying my best.

Good luck to us both? I have no idea what the future holds, but I don't want to be afraid anymore. I've spent too many days.weeks/months in my life afraid. So, instead I will think about what this experience has done for me and what it has taught me: a lot about being human, the weakness and strength of emotion, what love is and how powerful a combination these are combined. It's still a mystery to me what I will possibly do with any of this. I don't want to replace you.

You'll never be lost to me! You've made such an impression on my heart I can only wish for you to be happy in what ever way that suits you best. I can't hold on to something out of fear of losing it, because then I will truly lose it forever. But please, promise me one thing? Please be gentle on yourself. It's a hard battle sometimes, but you also deserve to be loved and cherished and to allow yourself to love and cherish someone, too.

I'm glad you came into my life and let me love you. I hope I made you happy sometimes and you felt as safe with me as I felt with you. It's really a precious feeling. Goodbye, my sweetest memory.

"Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me" - working on the "and I'm feeeeeling gooooood" part. :) One step at a time. One step at a time.

"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found."