Incredible Music

Janelle Monae's new album is crazy-freaking-amazing. It's all kinds of awesome, on so many levels. It is music that can only be fully appreciated in the completeness of an entire album: adventurous, full-bodied, rich in character, complex. Yes, much like a vintage Bordeaux. "When she genre hops it sounds natural and effortless out of genuine enthusiasm and not just a dilettante looking to feather her cap."

Dark Nights

They never last forever, but the darkness is so thick and heavy when you're in it. They talk about there being a light at the end of the tunnel, but when you're in that tunnel the words are just that... words. Yet somehow, somehow we have the strength. Inside deep and hidden away. To keep going even when the darkness has almost choked out our existence.

I just feel like the darkness has subsided a little. I feel a little more hopeful. Ugh hopelessness. :( It's awful, awful, awful! Afraid to live, terrified to die. Literally stuck. Breathing, doing, being but not living, merely existing. A waste of a human. I never want to consider myself a waste of oxygen, like I felt with all my heart that I was. God, it was so terrible. I was so scared of everything and everyone. It makes me sad to think back to the very darkest moments and sadder yet to think others are passing through the midnight of their lives right now. It's so hard, so lonely - but it passes. Little by little and day by day. It's still dark, but I can feel some light - I'm sure of it.

You were really two thirds of the problem, but now that you're gone I hope you don't mind I'm going to blame the darkest night of my life on you. It's easier that way for both of us. You don't need me missing you and I don't need me missing you, I'm glad I was so easy for you to let go of. Heartbreak is not something I would wish upon anyone.

I may always wonder... why did you let me go? When one loves so deeply it's hard to fathom how such a feeling can be completely erased from existence. Yet there it goes. It's gone and I know it's gone forever.

Wow, crazy. Forever is such a long time.

And in time I will fade away
In time I won't care what you say
In time, but time takes time you know

I've broken a heart and had mine broken in return - I think it's time to be gentle with myself and everyone around me.

I miss

Being physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, pathetically connected to another human being. Harder than facing the world, is doing so when my reasons are forced to come from within, alone.

To feel charged and energized after perfectly syncing to another human soul... loneliness, you're teaching me to survive without my lifeblood. I wonder if this is healthy or just pushing me further into my own personal void.

I'm trying to force myself not to close up too much, but things keep happening that make me wonder how much more I can handle. The world can be so cruel, so unnecessarily cruel. There's so much to understand and yet so few answers to all my questions. I'm caught in a vicious cycle of wanting to know, of asking the unanswerable, of sinking into hopelessness when I can't find what I'm looking for. None of this mattered before, why does it matter now? Why do I feel like I'm just not exactly cut out for this world sometimes? Everything is so intense and I don't feel strong enough to bear the weight of my emotions. Aghhhh why why whyyyy. I can't stop asking why. :(

Lately, I just want to hide away from it all. And listen to this song.

Ahh Love