So... Tired... Of... Everything

What am I doing?

Day in. Day out.

Maybe I manage my time poorly, but it feels there are not enough hours in the day to do more than perform my minimum responsibilities...  work, study, stay alive. Some days are good and I am okay with this. Some days I tell myself that I am doing something of value that I will one day admire as an accomplishment. Then there are days, particularly when the energy of others saps me dry, I am suddenly overwhelmed with the need to change something, to do more, to go somewhere, to  do something else, anything. I feel inadequate and behind. I'm almost fucking 30 years old, yet I feel like a child with such simple understanding of the world around me. When do you ever feel like an adult? When do you feel like you might actually know something?  I am not a woman, I'm a girl.

Loathing who I am and how insignificant anything I do really is. I hate that I don't offer much at all to the world. Just a lost soul that can't find peace in herself and not much use to anyone else because of it. Maybe I want to be needed? Doesn't everyone? What if no one really needs you? Maybe that should grant me the freedom to go forth and be amazing. I could do anything right now. I still haven't learned to navigate this world, how to make magic happen. But man, I want to! I feel exceptionally good at nothing and just pretty good/okay at some things. How I am doing well in school is baffling. I am like this "pseudo intellectual" of sorts, I can fake it and convince dumb people I am smart[ish]. A lot of people are convinced I am smart, so perhaps I am able to play the roll well, but I know it's a lie.  Half the time I am lost and wandering in the dark, unsure of what I think, believe or even feel and the other half I am overcompensating a positive attitude as a means to fake that I might know a little bit about something.

I DON'T.

Read more. Speak less. Hide often. No one deserves to have to subject themselves to me. Except maybe for hugs. Silent hugs.

"What do we leave behind when we cross each frontier? Each moment seems split in two; melancholy for what was left behind and the excitement of entering a new land." - The Motorcycle Diaries

Nothing has much meaning, but maybe I just like to make meaning out of nothing. That's how I get by. Tell me, is it possible to feel nostalgia for a world I've never known?

via garfieldminusgarfield

Just Want to Disappear Completely.

In a little while.
I'll be gone.
The moment's already passed.
Yeah it's gone.
And I'm not here.
This isn't happening.
I'm not here.

For a Minute There

I lost myself.

Madness

I feel like i should be a depressed hermit holed up for winter, writing woeful poetry about the long, cold winter that is life. But the sun is shining, it's almost 60 degrees out and I can't help but feel awkwardly happy. Nature, why dost thou confuse me so?

What is it like?

Just leaves blowing in the wind now. How can love turn into dust? It should be the thing we fight for more than life itself, but we let it go. We allow it to fade. We let it become extinct. Some days I feel like a part of me has died and has been buried. I can no longer look at my life the way I used to. I know I'll survive this, but - at night especially - there's a cloud weighing on me and it's heavy.

I want to learn to love the journey alone. I want to learn to forget you. I love you... help me say goodbye...

Take Care

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? I've been walking for miles and the only light I find comes from cracks in the walls. I run towards it thinking it's finally here, but the source of light is just... a tiny crack.

In a time warp. I can't see ahead. I try so hard to keep my eyes on the present moment, to stop fearing what does (or doesn't lie ahead), but sometimes I become so consumed. So overwhelmed with emotion so heavy all I can do is cry and cry and cry. Trapped in despair, living moments of peacefulness. Up, smashed down, weakly rising to stand yet again. The weight is so heavy I can barely carry it.

Weak and rejected. Worn out and crestfallen. There is nothing to do but to feel this, feel this struggle with every fiber of my being. You won't win and you can't defeat me. Even if all I do is run for cracks in the wall, I will run. What else can I do? I can't give up, because I don't know my enemy's face. To whom will I surrender? The raging thoughts in my head that push me down, down, down to the depths of despair? A coward with no face.

I am. I am! So hopeless, but I still have... this. What? I have nothing. But something is still there. What is it? It is just what it is; it is life, it is breath. I can feel it... this pounding against my heart ...THIS is me. Undefined and unexplainable. It is life and life will live on. It has no choice.

Softly she whispers, "keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going" "as the road divides you must walk, you must walk, you must walk, you must..

...let go"

A nagging feeling

...that I can't let go of.

I am not where I am supposed to be.