Happy Birthday!

This was the best, funniest picture I could find of you. =) You are amazing and wonderful!! I know I say that a lot (I hope I say that a lot), but man it's true! We've come so far down the same road - on different paths, yet always mentally synced. Somehow we just *get* each other. Lovely people have come and gone from my life, but you are a constant.

Thank you for being born.

(the Florecita to my Rokera)

Somewhere from the edge of time /
When the poets die & words don't rhyme /
I will call you up and say /
Somehow we made it out okay.

It all Comes Full Circle. Huh.

A soon coming end to the winter of wonderland, for in more ways than one has Narnia been my abode.


A haze at first, I now see that with time the colors of the sky are once again bleeding into each other - somewhere in the stillness I sense the inaudible voice of light whisper:


Yet a little while.


No longer broken, for the fragments that once were have been smashed to smithereens - no longer splinters of the frame that held my illusions, for they too have risen in flames - the fire of acceptance.


And all these which I feared to be remnants and shadows forever to haunt have instead returned from whence they came and do now exist as invisible entities whose pulsating presence breathe life to this ever changing heart.


Though once I waited, there is no longer reason to prolong or delay, for all this is indeed nothing more than the beginning of that which is to be.


That which is now, that which has been, and that which I will choose.


Can love and time coexist or are they destined to be forever at odds?


Is love not subject to time or is time which is indifferent to love?


No matter.


I say one cannot have one without the other, more so, that the acceptance of the limitations which time does represent in this mortal realm and the realization that these be but for a season, is once again nothing more than the first step to beginning a journey of discovery.


Love in this life.


To seek out or let myself be found by that which is destined to live on forever, is a journey I intend not to miss.


Elude? what for?


I shall enjoy every step of the way.


(via beuribek.blogspot.com)

And After All...

I might still believe in love. How can I not? What else is there that is real? That is tangible? That makes the most sense, even when it doesn't? Actually, it rarely makes sense. It can break you down, take you to the darkest and scariest places you've ever experienced, it can potentially kill you. Yet somehow it's the most beautiful perplexity one could hope to experience. It's the one thing we crave sometimes more than our own breath. What strange creatures we are.

Love, wherever you are hiding right now. I'll find you... one day.

Your Thoughts on God

"I came to think that maybe God was what you believed in because you needed to feel you weren’t alone. Maybe God was simply that part of yourself that was always there and always strong, even when you were not."
— Augusten Burroughs

Congratulations

You've officially failed.

Well done!

:(

Meaning-Less-Ness

It's perfect!

She's my intergalactic soul-mate. You make the world a better place for me, thank you. :)

Dark Nights

They never last forever, but the darkness is so thick and heavy when you're in it. They talk about there being a light at the end of the tunnel, but when you're in that tunnel the words are just that... words. Yet somehow, somehow we have the strength. Inside deep and hidden away. To keep going even when the darkness has almost choked out our existence.

I just feel like the darkness has subsided a little. I feel a little more hopeful. Ugh hopelessness. :( It's awful, awful, awful! Afraid to live, terrified to die. Literally stuck. Breathing, doing, being but not living, merely existing. A waste of a human. I never want to consider myself a waste of oxygen, like I felt with all my heart that I was. God, it was so terrible. I was so scared of everything and everyone. It makes me sad to think back to the very darkest moments and sadder yet to think others are passing through the midnight of their lives right now. It's so hard, so lonely - but it passes. Little by little and day by day. It's still dark, but I can feel some light - I'm sure of it.

You were really two thirds of the problem, but now that you're gone I hope you don't mind I'm going to blame the darkest night of my life on you. It's easier that way for both of us. You don't need me missing you and I don't need me missing you, I'm glad I was so easy for you to let go of. Heartbreak is not something I would wish upon anyone.

I may always wonder... why did you let me go? When one loves so deeply it's hard to fathom how such a feeling can be completely erased from existence. Yet there it goes. It's gone and I know it's gone forever.

Wow, crazy. Forever is such a long time.

And in time I will fade away
In time I won't care what you say
In time, but time takes time you know

I've broken a heart and had mine broken in return - I think it's time to be gentle with myself and everyone around me.

ebb, ebb, ebb, brief-flash-of-flow, more ebb, ebb, ebb

“We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts not breaths; in feelings, not in figures on a dial. We should count time by heart throbs. He most lives who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.”

Thank you Astrology

This is a good day for leaving the humdrum, everyday world and traveling in your mind to a fanciful and pleasantly unreal world.

Don't mind if I do!

I miss

Being physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, pathetically connected to another human being. Harder than facing the world, is doing so when my reasons are forced to come from within, alone.

To feel charged and energized after perfectly syncing to another human soul... loneliness, you're teaching me to survive without my lifeblood. I wonder if this is healthy or just pushing me further into my own personal void.

I'm trying to force myself not to close up too much, but things keep happening that make me wonder how much more I can handle. The world can be so cruel, so unnecessarily cruel. There's so much to understand and yet so few answers to all my questions. I'm caught in a vicious cycle of wanting to know, of asking the unanswerable, of sinking into hopelessness when I can't find what I'm looking for. None of this mattered before, why does it matter now? Why do I feel like I'm just not exactly cut out for this world sometimes? Everything is so intense and I don't feel strong enough to bear the weight of my emotions. Aghhhh why why whyyyy. I can't stop asking why. :(

Lately, I just want to hide away from it all. And listen to this song.

Just Want to Disappear Completely.

In a little while.
I'll be gone.
The moment's already passed.
Yeah it's gone.
And I'm not here.
This isn't happening.
I'm not here.

Small Moments of Serenity

Life's pretty good when you let yourself enjoy it and quit having something to worry about constantly. Self imposed. Naturally.

I'm enjoying my homemade cappuccino and toast with butter and orange marmalade. If you ever wanted to know my ideal morning comfort food, well now you know. Just something about the combination on a peaceful morning that asks me "why worry?", a question unspoken that resonates the expansive hollow of my mind. I'll ponder for a moment, as the distant 10am church bells peal a faint chime and shrug off with a little "hmph." as if to say "I'll be darned, I'm quite ok!"

A perfect blend of hushed comotion; the reassuring sounds everyday life; a soft, cool breeze fluttering through the blinds; chattering folks at the corner sandwhich shop; a street lamp post that anchors my view of the occasional passing of a lone bicycle or that little old chinese man that collects recycleables all down the street.

I often find myself in this very position again and again. Always appreciating anew a familiar experience I might one day take for granted, but for the time being it is now that I, again, find salvation of peace of mind - just for a moment.

There are always moments when one feels empty and estranged. Such moments are most desirable, for it means the soul has cast its moorings and is sailing for distant places. This is detachment-- when the old is over and the new has not yet come. If you are afraid the state may be distressing, but there is really nothing to be afraid of. Remember the instruction: What ever you come across--go beyond.

- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Somedays...

She's just trying so hard to be someone that just isn't her. What a crazy, freaking journey this is!

I must!

I think it is time I let you go, and that is so hard to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life, but the daydreaming, the running in place it's not healthy. So this is me, cutting the cord. This is me ... saying goodbye.

...I think...

Nothing left to die.

There's nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don't live up until their death...They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think... for them... Most people's deaths are a sham. There's nothing left to die."- C.B.

Happy Birthday Me!! :D

I Want to Feel

A flat line of emotionless wasteland. It's the hardest place for me to be. I don't like to feel sad, but I want to feel and if sadness is the only emotion I can muster - well, then it will have to do. I want to learn to be happy without the need for someone or something to be there to create happiness. He was part of what felt like the great balance in my life, but really the loss of him is an excuse to grieve... the loss of my world, my balance, my religion. How does one replace an entire identity?

Learning the hardest lessons in life right now. Here's hoping I make it!