This. Song.

♫Elisa - Dancing

Dunno really. Just one of those songs that comes around again and again. Haunting me. 

--- In a beautiful way.

In the Symposium, Socrates says:

❝Even during the period for which any living being is said to live and retain his identity. [Man] he is always becoming a new being and undergoing a process of loss and reparation, which affects not only his body, but his soul as well. No man's character, habits, opinions desires pleasures pains and fears remain always the same: new ones come into existence and old ones disappear.❞

Socrates often brought people to the realization that they were not the best they could be, and perhaps they did not know what they thought they did.

❝I go around doing nothing but persuading both young and old among you not to care for your body or your wealth in preference to or as strongly as for the best state of your soul, as I say to you: Wealth does not bring about excellence, but excellence brings about wealth and all the other public and private blessings for men.❞

Socrates truly believed that "the unexamined life is not worth living." To know your soul must be the prime focus of life, not just a superficial quest for possessions and wealth. He felt that people far too often forget what they should be doing and what they should be concerned with. By endeavoring to get in touch with the inner self, it becomes a necessity to clear away some of the forces that hamper our search for virtue and self-knowledge.

I think maybe he was the wisest because he knew that the search for virtue and truthfulness was in fact a journey within -- a journey to understanding yourself, your soul, and to making it as pure as possible. The journey doesn't require a thick rule book, rituals or reverence to deities unseen. It just requires a willingness to travel the road. Accept change and accept that as old fears, pleasures and pains disappear, new ones come into existence. Easier said than done. We're afraid of what lurks beneath the surface of the unknown. Perhaps nothing? (What can be scarier than nothing? Seriously.) Perhaps we subconsciously fear the truth, afraid we'll be crushed by the enormous responsibility of it's discovery.

At the mention of Socrates, what comes to mind first? Most likely "the good life", wisdom and justice. Virtues we should all strive for, but one thing is missing to make a most powerful combination. It is a virtue we must work hardest above all to possess: Bravery. Fear devalues and eventually obliterates the worth of our principles, it rocks the core of the mental foundation of our existence, of the reality we create. Facing the unknown, Socrates chose not to fear - we are given the same choice, if we dare take the first step:

"Know thy soul" "Know thyself"

❝I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read and all the friends I want to see.❞  ~John Burroughs

Do you make bad romantic choices?

❝ In the past, yes I most certainly have. Who hasn’t? Love won and love lost is part of the human experience. Show me someone who has never made a bad choice and I will show you someone who has never lived. You would think having an extremely strong sense of empathy would help in affairs of the heart, but without a solid foundation in self they only serve to perpetuate confusion. In my day-to-day life I often had trouble discerning energies and emotions which arose in myself from those of others. This was only magnified by intimate relationships. After a number of daunting experiences, I realized that I would have to fully illuminate my empathy or be destroyed by it. This led me on quite a difficult yet rewarding journey and having lived it I know I am stronger for it.

My advice to all who may find themselves inundated by empathy: Define your sovereign borders before you define yourself with another. Until you can, your journey must be a solitary one. Many of our greatest challenges are actually our greatest strengths in disguise. Once you realize this you are already on your way towards their actualization.

But back to the matter at hand, romance.

Romance is often at odds with logic, and sometimes even intuition. The trouble with romance is that we mistake the sways of passion for something we believe is love. However, Love does not make us insane, it instills a sanity and depth most of us travel our whole lives without ever knowing. The irony is that we are not missing some obscure puzzle piece, or that we have not yet found the right person.
Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror.❞
— Katie Byron

(via metaconscious)

I'm trying to work on myself and need affirmations that it's okay for me to do this alone. Everyone around me is in a relationship and there's this sort of unspoken pressure that I couldn't really be happy single. Perhaps a self imposed pressure. Love, love, love. It is truly a beautiful thing. What's not beautiful about it is the rejection, the loss, the heartache. I could live without those for awhile! Love itself is beautiful.

Recently, a cute boy recommended for me to read The Alchemist, a fable about life, passion and dreams. I had started it years ago, but got distracted with nothing in particular and never found the right moment to pick it up again till he reminded me. So I'm finishing it off now and quite pleased. It's a book that has gotten a lot of flack for being blunt and simple, for characters that lack depth and complexity, for the religious mambo-jambo mixed in, but at the heart and soul of this book lies much meaning. A life philosophy expressed in a fable, without restraint and subtlety you might find in a great literary work. But it's within this imperfect, simple writing that your thoughts are provoked and you find yourself delving into the chasms of secret hopes and dreams. I don't know, it works for me.

I like asking questions. It's an annoying habit of mine. Well, not annoying for me, but maybe for others. Asking questions of myself is so important, why wouldn't it be important to ask people/strangers/friends questions? So I ask myself today; what will I do with that feeling, that pulling and tugging in my heart? Will I drown out the voice of the passion I feel for something that might go against what others expect of Me? "Purpose is the place where your deep gladness meets the world's needs". What makes me glad? The world needs our gladness and our passion. I know it sounds cliché, but for someone like myself who has trouble separating my energies and emotions from others' - regularly taking deep, hard looks within my heart is something I need to always be reminded to do.

I'm going to go finish reading...

The boy and his heart had become friends, and neither was capable now of betraying the other. --
The Alchemist

New Things

New book.
New movie.
New boots.
New tee.

Buhhhhhh

I am no writer. That 215800 challenge I have been attempting is BULLSHIT and has made me realize once again that I suck at most everything. Not writing because I haven't felt *inspired* about anything. What's up with me needing *inspiration* before I can do anything?? OH WELL. I'm not going to let it get me down. I guess I am just a person who relies on inspiration for everything.

LAME.

OH. WELL.

The Thinking Thoughts You Think

(via abeautifulrevolution)

1:07am

I have nothing to say at this moment.

Goodnight, internet.

Hope

(via stuffnoonetoldme)

❝I heed echos of your laughter in the corners of my mind

While I memorise each detail of your intricate design

In your hair there is a symphony

Your lips, a string quartet

They tell stories of a Neon Valley Street

Where we first met

now somewhere time pursues us

As we love in Technicolor

But I dwell in silence on your words

Which move me like none other

This time I shall be unafraid

And violence will not move me

this time we will relax

This time we will stay in our movie

I see beyond tomorrow

This life of strife and sorrow

My freedom calls and I must go. ❞ 
- Janelle Monae

"Can I get a makeover?!?", the blog begged.

The self-conscious, insecurity we had always suspected it possessed is now revealed.

Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals Finals

*zoink*

800 Words

Of homework.

Yuck.

Goodnight!

21.5.800

A challenge.

I'm always down for a good challenge. Especially if it's anything to do with getting the emotions flowing, the energy balanced and the mind clear. I'm not an especially talented or eloquent writer, but it is something I enjoy and an activity that I can pin down as beneficial to the soul. Yoga and writing help me make sense of the mumbo jumbo that passes through my brain constantly. Yoga to loosen the emotional blockages, and writing to release the pressure. I'm not great at it, but that's okay. I don't do this for anyone's entertainment, I do it for me. That said, I would like to be a better writer, and seeing technical improvement, because it is nice to feel good about what you spend your time doing. My sister read me a quote the other day that didn't resonate with me until just a moment ago.  I'll let it speak for itself.

❝ Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly -- until you can learn to do it well.❞ - Zig Zigla

 I'm starting to think everyone feels rather insecure about their creations. Music, art, writing. We're afraid others will not appreciate what we've made because it tends to arise from the secret and hidden places in our souls. Places that are afraid of disapproval, rejection and withdrawal.  We become vulnerable through specific combinations of words; to make poetry, through a contemplative placement of colour to paper; to make art and through a sequence of musical notes and sounds; to make music. It's quite remarkable when you think about it, yet it is this that we are made of and what our reality consists of. Life is just one subjective experience of art - whatever that means to you personally - and the more honest and vulnerable the better.

...“Do you know what hurts so very much? It’s love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain.

“There are 2 things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. [...] Whenever we cannot love in the old, human way, Corrie, God can give us the perfect way."

I did not know, as I listened to Father's footseps winding back down the stairs, that he had given me more than the key to this hard moment. I did not know that he had put into my hands the secret that would open far greater rooms than this --places where therewas not, on a human level, anything to love at all.

Corrie ten Boom, (April 15, 1892 – April 15, 1983) was a Dutch Christian Holocaust survivor who helped many Jews escape the Nazis during World War II

I'm not going to pretend I understand (much less possess) that kind of love, courage, altruism, what it means, and what it's all for. Regardless, I can't help but respect. And it's interesting -at least to me, to see from where people pull such extraordinary strength.

Enamorada

Preguntas Hermosas from Süperfad on Vimeo.

This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Tortured. wounded and broken souls create masterpieces. "Blessed" is a word whose origin is rooted in the latin word for "wounded". I love that I know such amazingly talented people. Siiiiiiiiiiigh.

Paris is For Lovers

YOU NEED THIS.

oOoOO - Hearts ♥

Must.
Have.
This.
Track.

#thingsthatmakeyougoawww

An amazing birthday surprise to a bus driver from his company in Denmark. He came into work to cover for a worker and this is what they ended up doing for him.

Portland, OR

3 days of meditation, yoga and peace of mind this weekend. I can't wait! I have never been to a retreat before, nor to Portland, so I am pretty stoked.  Yoga was one of my saving graces last year and I think it helped me churn through a lot of emotion. I just feel a lot more aware of what is going on inside of me and more focused inwardly - when I need to be. I do a style of yoga called Amrit Yoga: "meditation in motion, transforming the philosophy of yoga into experiential reality-transcending every aspect of your being. This practice integrates joyful inner stillness with effortless outer action in the world." The daughter of the yogi who founded this method is running the retreat and giving classes. She's lovely!

Unfortunately, I do feel a little under the gun, as finals are coming up next week, but this is when it was happening so there was little choice. Have to take care of the soul and give it priority even if the timing is not ideal. That's the lesson we learn from yoga anyway; "it is a metaphor for life. The skills of mindful attention and meditative awareness you develop on the yoga mat extend to challenges you encounter in life. Painful transition periods, relationships and crises can become opportunities and openings for personal transformation."

I have a new book to read for the drive there and back. Conditions of Love, by John Armstrong which is supposed to be an exquisite philosophical inquiry into the many dimensions of love and intimacy in relationships. Should be fun. :)

NAMASTE!

noʎ ssıɯ

Trentemoller - Miss you |HD| from ozan oz on Vimeo.

Full Screen. Drift.

Cool

I have a real life "astrotwin" with pretty much an identical chart to mine. He found me, and we're friends now. He lives in Berlin.

Internet, you're kinda cool sometimes.

And Yes

I do believe that in a world which cannot fully satisfy the human spirit and a world that leaves each of us with a gaping void, you are at liberty to superimpose whatever experience you wish into something that is healthy, does not harm yourself or anyone else.

You also have permission to distract yourself and escape from your current emotional state, for a moment of reprieve, a moment to breathe. And yes, you also have permission to feed, overload and deluge your emotional state, if need be, if doing otherwise would overwhelm you. As if our emotions are something bad or evil that we should keep under a lock and key? They hold the secrets to surviving and thriving and should be fully explored by whatever means works for you. Dive into music, art, dance, self expression, poetry, fantasy, creativity of any kind. The point is to get whatever's inside there, outside. Things you may not even know you had in you. Suppressed... repressed - no good can come from either of these...

Just be gentle and kind to yourself and to others. As Plato once said, we're all fighting a hard battle.

Meaning.

The complications of love, the struggle to "find our purpose", incessantly wrestling our demons. What all for? Can't help but feel life is rather pointless in most every way imaginable.

Yet somehow there is... music. What is it even? Music is the strangest thing. Sounds that fill you with intangible hope, that express your innermost fears and desires when words fail. When people fail. It's not something you can touch, feel or describe in a way that makes sense to anyone else -- other than how it touches you, how it makes you feel, personally. Your experience, is yours.

Music is made of magic. It will never break your heart... it will assuage an implacable soul and soothe your mind and body, when nothing else can.

At least. AT LEAST we have that.

Carry on.

LCD Soundsystem @ Sasquatch 2010

LCD Soundsystem got the ENTIRE Main Stage in a moment of synchronized dancing. *sigh* (happy sigh :)  ) We only live once people! do/experience/live what you love, always.

(via abeautifulrevolution)

Sasquatch 2010

I'll be here for the next few days. I ALMOST didn't go. Glad I didn't give into my Pisces moodiness and sell my ticket. (Although I would have been able to sell them for 3x what I bought them for... hmmm )

I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed this.

Feeling Perplexed

Feeling overwhelmed.

It's just another day.

Ugghh but all the things that break us, are the things that will make us strong. Must. Learn. To. Love. Them.

(via mareodomo )

Purpose is the Place Where Your Deep Gladness Meets the World’s Needs

The book: “North Node Astrology” starts out with the quote:

“Purpose is the place where your deep gladness meets the world’s needs.” Frederick Buechner spoke those words years ago, which I now juxtapose with a quote by author, Andrew Harvey: “Be thankful that you live in a time so terrible, it will lead you to your authentic Self.”

The holding of this kind of terrible opposition is the “tension of opposites” that Carl Jung spoke about when he spoke of God, or the “transcendent function.” He once said that God is beyond ideas of good and evil, and is more than the “coincidentia oppositorum”—he felt that it was in the holding of such oppositions as great despair and great hope that we create the spaciousness for the alchemy of our transformation. In the holding of the opposites, we make room for God or the transcendent function in the Soul, the psyche.

It is here in the holding of such opposites, such as where your heart breaks and where your heart finds joy—here is where “the numinous third” can arise – the midpoint between the two opposing positions. Jung tended to counsel “waiting” and a patient holding of the opposites in the crucible of our psyche. When we hold our love and pain together, what can arise is a gift of grace: the point which is the center of the mandala. This is what Jung saw as the third unseen possibility/option which is unfelt at first. Like a gift of grace, it arises of its own accord.

And yet does this create a“passivity” within us? I suspect it could, except in these days when our culture leans towards acting out. Perhaps the “third” that arises is a summons towards compassionate action. We hear that expressed in the Sufi poet, Rumi—as Andrew Harvey expresses it so well: “Rumi is a lion of passion trying to teach a humanity of depressed sheep how to roar… to roar with divine love.” Rumi would have us crawl out from under the dirty blanket of denial to ignite the passion—a passion that has the intensity to birth something truly new.

So isn’t Rumi really asking us to rise to another level of intensity—of radical commitment to ourselves and to our values? Reading his poetry he begs and cajoles us to act on our beliefs and loves—but eventually the only respite that came to him from his painful yearning for his beloved, was to become the Beloved. He held the tension of the opposites within himself, until like Jung believed, the opposites yielded a third: he eventually found within himself the union of opposites.

(via Elizabeth Spring)

“Be thankful that you live in a time so terrible, it will lead you to your authentic Self.”

A Challenge to Myself

Channel your misery into something productive...

Nature Has a Way

of making things feel... okay. Even an angry, raging volcano. It has the potential for so much death and destruction, yet somehow it casts a shadow of peace and calm on a troubled soul.  Eyjafjallajökul.

Iceland, Eyjafjallajökull - May 1st and 2nd, 2010 from Sean Stiegemeier on Vimeo.

Music: Jónsi - Kolniður

?

                 Faith?

          Faith? 

             Faith?

      Faith?

Faith?


What are you, anyhow? You're weird and dumb. I don't understand what you're good for. 

Saturn

Gotta remember you're going to be bugging/kicking my ass for the rest of the year. With my realization that I know nothing about anything, I can't say I have faith in anything, including astrology. The only consolation I get from it is that at least it helps me rationalize insanity, when it's hitting. If I have blame the stars, well so be it. I need some reprieve or I'll lose my mind, give me a break!

This is definitely relevant:

- Saturn Conjunct Saturn -

Consciously or unconsciously, you are pruning your life of everything that is not relevant to what you really are as a human being. If this process is not happening consciously, you may experience a sense of loss for the elements of your life that are coming to an end now. However, do not dwell upon these losses, for they are necessary in order to clear the decks for the major period of action in your life. 

This is a time of endings and new beginnings. If you have built your life up to now around activities that are inappropriate for you, it will be a period of crisis. 

Endings. Crisis. That's me in a nutshell.  

Dear Lord

I might actually have to say a prayer tonight.

God, or whoever, please ensure this guy ends up liking my sister. Once and for all. I NEED SOME PEACE!

So... Tired... Of... Everything

What am I doing?

Day in. Day out.

Maybe I manage my time poorly, but it feels there are not enough hours in the day to do more than perform my minimum responsibilities...  work, study, stay alive. Some days are good and I am okay with this. Some days I tell myself that I am doing something of value that I will one day admire as an accomplishment. Then there are days, particularly when the energy of others saps me dry, I am suddenly overwhelmed with the need to change something, to do more, to go somewhere, to  do something else, anything. I feel inadequate and behind. I'm almost fucking 30 years old, yet I feel like a child with such simple understanding of the world around me. When do you ever feel like an adult? When do you feel like you might actually know something?  I am not a woman, I'm a girl.

Loathing who I am and how insignificant anything I do really is. I hate that I don't offer much at all to the world. Just a lost soul that can't find peace in herself and not much use to anyone else because of it. Maybe I want to be needed? Doesn't everyone? What if no one really needs you? Maybe that should grant me the freedom to go forth and be amazing. I could do anything right now. I still haven't learned to navigate this world, how to make magic happen. But man, I want to! I feel exceptionally good at nothing and just pretty good/okay at some things. How I am doing well in school is baffling. I am like this "pseudo intellectual" of sorts, I can fake it and convince dumb people I am smart[ish]. A lot of people are convinced I am smart, so perhaps I am able to play the roll well, but I know it's a lie.  Half the time I am lost and wandering in the dark, unsure of what I think, believe or even feel and the other half I am overcompensating a positive attitude as a means to fake that I might know a little bit about something.

I DON'T.

Read more. Speak less. Hide often. No one deserves to have to subject themselves to me. Except maybe for hugs. Silent hugs.

99 - Magnifying Glass... VIII

(via salihagir.deviantart)

The Place You Left

It's not like

you weren't warned

about starting

on The Path, dear one.

Now, of course,

it's far too late,

no going back,

you can never return.

The person you were,

the place you left,

no longer exist. 

The Disease to Please

I still need a lot of help with this:

Collapsed Boundaries
Personal boundaries can become weak or even nonexistent. The proverbial “doormat” has collapsed boundaries -- and may be a victim of psychological bullying. If you have collapsed boundaries, you may:

• Say yes to all requests because you fear rejection and abandonment.
• Tolerate abuse or disrespectful treatment.
• Feel you deserve to be treated poorly.
• Avoid conflict.
• Have no sense of who you are or what you feel, need, want and think.
• Not see flaws or weaknesses in others.
• Focus on pleasing those around you.
• Take on the feelings of others.

Healthy Boundaries
Healthy personal boundaries are evident and effective when you know who you are, and you treat yourself and others with respect. If you have healthy boundaries, you may:

• Feel free to say yes or no without guilt, anger or fear.
• Refuse to tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• Know when a problem is yours or another person’s – and refuse to take on others’ problems.
• Have a strong sense of identity.
• Respect yourself.
• Share responsibility with others, and expect reciprocity in relationships.
• Feel freedom, security, peace, joy and confidence.

People pleasers need to work on setting healthy boundaries -- it's the only way to overcome the "disease to please"!

How Do You Set Healthy Boundaries?

Setting healthy boundaries involves taking care of yourself and knowing what you like, need, want, and don’t want. The best time to set personal boundaries is before they’re being encroached upon.

Two steps for people pleasers:

1. Be honest with yourself with your true feelings and opinions.
2. Share your feelings and opinions with others.

(via Behavioural Psychology)

Uggghhhh

Looking forward to not interacting with human beings for a good 24 hours!

Ouch...

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

This is TOO Adorable.

(via sunshine madness)

Roads Divide. Roads Converge.

It's funny, the thought doesn't depress me quite as much these days and in a weird way actually excites me. In becoming a stranger I potentially have the opportunity to get to know you again one day. Maybe it could be like starting from scratch, all the bullshit aside. People will always wander in and out of life. For a moment in time they are tangible and real, but as quickly as they come in - they are gone. They disappear into the past, into a dream world that you can never be fully sure happened just the way you remember. The past often feels like a dream. Did you happen? You've gone, disappeared, did you ever exist? My connection with you is only a series of thoughts and memories, strung together like a pearl necklace. Did I dream you once upon a time?

Our worlds collide, but only for a moment in time... a moment later you are nothing, but a stranger. You're struggling, like I do, day by day. You're fighting, just like I am, to make it through this life. But not in the same world, not in the same reality. How does it happen? We are living ghosts in a bizarre twist of fate.

 How ever much distance is now between us, the connection can never be fully severed... not for me anyway. Anyone I have known, that has made an impression on me, will forever be a part of me in some way. In a different world, perhaps as a stranger, yet we'll never forget where we hide the spare keys to each other's hearts.

"What do we leave behind when we cross each frontier? Each moment seems split in two; melancholy for what was left behind and the excitement of entering a new land." - The Motorcycle Diaries

Nothing has much meaning, but maybe I just like to make meaning out of nothing. That's how I get by. Tell me, is it possible to feel nostalgia for a world I've never known?

Incredible Music

Janelle Monae's new album is crazy-freaking-amazing. It's all kinds of awesome, on so many levels. It is music that can only be fully appreciated in the completeness of an entire album: adventurous, full-bodied, rich in character, complex. Yes, much like a vintage Bordeaux. "When she genre hops it sounds natural and effortless out of genuine enthusiasm and not just a dilettante looking to feather her cap."

Truth

The wise men say, you'll find your way. They say things fall apart so that other things can fall together. Grasping at straws, grasping for hope. My life is not that bad, why does it feel so hard to make it through the day sometimes?

Maxence Cyrin - Where Is My Mind (The Pixies Piano Cover)

Sometimes I truly do not know!

Disappointment.

Not okay.

Just sucks that some things are out of your control. I guess, pretty much everything is.

I'm just disappointed. Time to...

Dear Uncertainty,

Thanks a lot for also essentially being possibility. I'm a lot more into you when I think of you that way.

♥


(via somewhere on the interwebs)

via garfieldminusgarfield

We're all just...

Entropy.
n., pl., -pies.


The degradation of matter and energy in the universe to an ultimate state of inert uniformity.


Why do we care about anything at all? Why do we love? Why do we miss? Why do we need? It gets tiring. All these feelings and emotions swirling around, alive and very much felt. Where can I put them so they don't overwhelm me?

Something from Nothing is a Quantum Possibility

I believe

I am not sure what I believe in exactly, but I know I believe in... something.

I believe in possibilities.

I believe in the patterns of existence, but also that we have an extraordinary ability to paint these patterns in any fashion, as we see fit. We're not bound by anything other than our own choosing to be confined to the reality we create. I believe this. You have to be patient and not rush art. We are living artistic masterpieces of our own making. The artist and the canvas, the sculptor and the sculpture. Creating and being created simultaneously. You can't fully control or force the outcome of life, so why not relax a little? Relaxing into what IS allows for endless possibilities to form in our consciousness.

This has become a personal realization for me. I am one who by nature wants to know everything, wants every answer instantly and what I want, when I want it. Patience has never been my virtue. I see now that my need to control was what I thought to be a useful coping mechanism. In all actuality this is the thing that has held me back most in life, kept me locked in fear, restrained my vision and full on stressed me the fuck out. Who needs that? Everyone talks about wanting time to slow down, yet it seems we do nothing to curb it's incessant ticking on. There's nothing to be done to make it slow down, but in holding on so tight out of fear we inadvertently push the hands faster and faster around the clock.

Yet. What do I know? To others I am an idealistic, immature, naive little girl. Meh. To you I speak in platitudes and your suffering somehow more valuable than anything I have to offer. I just say, create YOUR masterpiece and experience everything. Suffer if you must, but also live. Laugh, love, hate, smile, cry, hurt, feel, create, fantasize, realize, dream, heaven and hell. Everything is part of everything else, might as well accept it all. Make the movie of your life an epic, unexpected adventure.

Whatever, do what you want. I am not going to quit daydreaming and attempting to live them.

"Many will call me an adventurer - and that I am, only one of a different sort: one of those who risks his skin to prove his platitudes" - Che Guevara

She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts. ~George Eliot

At least that is what I have to tell myself every day.

Must.

Keep.

Hope.

Alive.

Happy Birthday!

This was the best, funniest picture I could find of you. =) You are amazing and wonderful!! I know I say that a lot (I hope I say that a lot), but man it's true! We've come so far down the same road - on different paths, yet always mentally synced. Somehow we just *get* each other. Lovely people have come and gone from my life, but you are a constant.

Thank you for being born.

(the Florecita to my Rokera)

Somewhere from the edge of time /
When the poets die & words don't rhyme /
I will call you up and say /
Somehow we made it out okay.

It all Comes Full Circle. Huh.

A soon coming end to the winter of wonderland, for in more ways than one has Narnia been my abode.


A haze at first, I now see that with time the colors of the sky are once again bleeding into each other - somewhere in the stillness I sense the inaudible voice of light whisper:


Yet a little while.


No longer broken, for the fragments that once were have been smashed to smithereens - no longer splinters of the frame that held my illusions, for they too have risen in flames - the fire of acceptance.


And all these which I feared to be remnants and shadows forever to haunt have instead returned from whence they came and do now exist as invisible entities whose pulsating presence breathe life to this ever changing heart.


Though once I waited, there is no longer reason to prolong or delay, for all this is indeed nothing more than the beginning of that which is to be.


That which is now, that which has been, and that which I will choose.


Can love and time coexist or are they destined to be forever at odds?


Is love not subject to time or is time which is indifferent to love?


No matter.


I say one cannot have one without the other, more so, that the acceptance of the limitations which time does represent in this mortal realm and the realization that these be but for a season, is once again nothing more than the first step to beginning a journey of discovery.


Love in this life.


To seek out or let myself be found by that which is destined to live on forever, is a journey I intend not to miss.


Elude? what for?


I shall enjoy every step of the way.


(via beuribek.blogspot.com)

And After All...

I might still believe in love. How can I not? What else is there that is real? That is tangible? That makes the most sense, even when it doesn't? Actually, it rarely makes sense. It can break you down, take you to the darkest and scariest places you've ever experienced, it can potentially kill you. Yet somehow it's the most beautiful perplexity one could hope to experience. It's the one thing we crave sometimes more than our own breath. What strange creatures we are.

Love, wherever you are hiding right now. I'll find you... one day.

Your Thoughts on God

"I came to think that maybe God was what you believed in because you needed to feel you weren’t alone. Maybe God was simply that part of yourself that was always there and always strong, even when you were not."
— Augusten Burroughs

Congratulations

You've officially failed.

Well done!

:(

Meaning-Less-Ness

It's perfect!

She's my intergalactic soul-mate. You make the world a better place for me, thank you. :)

Dark Nights

They never last forever, but the darkness is so thick and heavy when you're in it. They talk about there being a light at the end of the tunnel, but when you're in that tunnel the words are just that... words. Yet somehow, somehow we have the strength. Inside deep and hidden away. To keep going even when the darkness has almost choked out our existence.

I just feel like the darkness has subsided a little. I feel a little more hopeful. Ugh hopelessness. :( It's awful, awful, awful! Afraid to live, terrified to die. Literally stuck. Breathing, doing, being but not living, merely existing. A waste of a human. I never want to consider myself a waste of oxygen, like I felt with all my heart that I was. God, it was so terrible. I was so scared of everything and everyone. It makes me sad to think back to the very darkest moments and sadder yet to think others are passing through the midnight of their lives right now. It's so hard, so lonely - but it passes. Little by little and day by day. It's still dark, but I can feel some light - I'm sure of it.

You were really two thirds of the problem, but now that you're gone I hope you don't mind I'm going to blame the darkest night of my life on you. It's easier that way for both of us. You don't need me missing you and I don't need me missing you, I'm glad I was so easy for you to let go of. Heartbreak is not something I would wish upon anyone.

I may always wonder... why did you let me go? When one loves so deeply it's hard to fathom how such a feeling can be completely erased from existence. Yet there it goes. It's gone and I know it's gone forever.

Wow, crazy. Forever is such a long time.

And in time I will fade away
In time I won't care what you say
In time, but time takes time you know

I've broken a heart and had mine broken in return - I think it's time to be gentle with myself and everyone around me.

ebb, ebb, ebb, brief-flash-of-flow, more ebb, ebb, ebb

“We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts not breaths; in feelings, not in figures on a dial. We should count time by heart throbs. He most lives who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.”

Thank you Astrology

This is a good day for leaving the humdrum, everyday world and traveling in your mind to a fanciful and pleasantly unreal world.

Don't mind if I do!

I miss

Being physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, pathetically connected to another human being. Harder than facing the world, is doing so when my reasons are forced to come from within, alone.

To feel charged and energized after perfectly syncing to another human soul... loneliness, you're teaching me to survive without my lifeblood. I wonder if this is healthy or just pushing me further into my own personal void.

I'm trying to force myself not to close up too much, but things keep happening that make me wonder how much more I can handle. The world can be so cruel, so unnecessarily cruel. There's so much to understand and yet so few answers to all my questions. I'm caught in a vicious cycle of wanting to know, of asking the unanswerable, of sinking into hopelessness when I can't find what I'm looking for. None of this mattered before, why does it matter now? Why do I feel like I'm just not exactly cut out for this world sometimes? Everything is so intense and I don't feel strong enough to bear the weight of my emotions. Aghhhh why why whyyyy. I can't stop asking why. :(

Lately, I just want to hide away from it all. And listen to this song.

Just Want to Disappear Completely.

In a little while.
I'll be gone.
The moment's already passed.
Yeah it's gone.
And I'm not here.
This isn't happening.
I'm not here.

Small Moments of Serenity

Life's pretty good when you let yourself enjoy it and quit having something to worry about constantly. Self imposed. Naturally.

I'm enjoying my homemade cappuccino and toast with butter and orange marmalade. If you ever wanted to know my ideal morning comfort food, well now you know. Just something about the combination on a peaceful morning that asks me "why worry?", a question unspoken that resonates the expansive hollow of my mind. I'll ponder for a moment, as the distant 10am church bells peal a faint chime and shrug off with a little "hmph." as if to say "I'll be darned, I'm quite ok!"

A perfect blend of hushed comotion; the reassuring sounds everyday life; a soft, cool breeze fluttering through the blinds; chattering folks at the corner sandwhich shop; a street lamp post that anchors my view of the occasional passing of a lone bicycle or that little old chinese man that collects recycleables all down the street.

I often find myself in this very position again and again. Always appreciating anew a familiar experience I might one day take for granted, but for the time being it is now that I, again, find salvation of peace of mind - just for a moment.

There are always moments when one feels empty and estranged. Such moments are most desirable, for it means the soul has cast its moorings and is sailing for distant places. This is detachment-- when the old is over and the new has not yet come. If you are afraid the state may be distressing, but there is really nothing to be afraid of. Remember the instruction: What ever you come across--go beyond.

- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Somedays...

She's just trying so hard to be someone that just isn't her. What a crazy, freaking journey this is!

I must!

I think it is time I let you go, and that is so hard to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life, but the daydreaming, the running in place it's not healthy. So this is me, cutting the cord. This is me ... saying goodbye.

...I think...

Nothing left to die.

There's nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don't live up until their death...They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think... for them... Most people's deaths are a sham. There's nothing left to die."- C.B.

Happy Birthday Me!! :D

I Want to Feel

A flat line of emotionless wasteland. It's the hardest place for me to be. I don't like to feel sad, but I want to feel and if sadness is the only emotion I can muster - well, then it will have to do. I want to learn to be happy without the need for someone or something to be there to create happiness. He was part of what felt like the great balance in my life, but really the loss of him is an excuse to grieve... the loss of my world, my balance, my religion. How does one replace an entire identity?

Learning the hardest lessons in life right now. Here's hoping I make it!

For a Minute There

I lost myself.

Ahh Love

A Way Back In

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away...
just in case I ever need them again someday

What a Brilliant Bloodline I Have

My little sister's supporting evidence to her claim, in our "great" "debate", that less meat = more cookies. I ::heart:: her :)

Sometimes

I wish I wasn't always shrouded in some form of sadness or nagging depression like I have been the last... while. But then, I wonder, would I have had the chance to explore how deep the darkness in my soul can go? I have had the experience of being full of light, of being completely in sync with the universe in blissful happiness. Is it perhaps my time to learn how to live without light? I remember feeling so scared and helpless - hiding in the closet at 4am, afraid of sleep, afraid of being awake. Panic overwhelming me and my sanity being held on only by a thread. I've never experienced such darkness and silence in the universe.

Silence.

A labyrinth of darkness in the silent void of the universe. I am truly alone on this journey - we all are, but I am not longer fearful of this. More than anything I am grateful for these experiences I have gone through as they have collectively stripped my world down to the bare bones. What is important is evident and clear, all the bullshit I was once so worried about has become obsolete and I am at peace ...yet surprisingly not how I would expect peace to feel...

I'm alright, really. Maybe just missing the hugs.

Sweet Tears

The soul would have no rainbow had no tears filled your eyes.
Falling raindrops colour the skies.
The diamonds of a broken heart are tears crystallized.
The sunlight sparkles in those teary eyes.

I Miss

The people I love...

...but I'm afraid we've drifted too far apart.

Where did you end?

Madness

I feel like i should be a depressed hermit holed up for winter, writing woeful poetry about the long, cold winter that is life. But the sun is shining, it's almost 60 degrees out and I can't help but feel awkwardly happy. Nature, why dost thou confuse me so?

Expression

By Scott Garner: http://www.etsy.com/shop/jungalero

...but for little moments in time, it's not all so heavy. I hope you are smiling... wherever you are.

I Know Everything About You

For all my life I've tried to hide
The animal in me
Now it's time to open up
and breathe, and breathe

Setting sail

Letting go of the old, embracing the new. Happy month of Pisces.

Free Thursdays in Seattle

From my outing pleasures.

If you like free and you like museums here's a list of all the museums I know of that offer free admission on the first Thursday of each month, along with their 'free' hours that day.

Burke Museum of Natural History and Culture * 10:00 am - 8:00 pm * http://www.washington.edu/burkemuseum

Experience Music Project * 5:00 pm - 8:00 pm * http://www.empsfm.org

Henry Art Gallery * 11:00 am - 8:00 pm * http://www.henryart.org

Museum of Flight * 10:00 am - 9:00 pm * http://www.museumofflight.org

Museum of History and Industry * 10:00 am - 8:00 pm * http://www.seattlehistory.org

Northwest African American Museum * 11:00 am - 7:00 pm * http://www.naamnw.org

Science Fiction Museum and Hall of Fame * 5:00 pm - 8:00 pm * http://www.empsfm.org

Seattle Art Museum * 10:00 am - 9:00 pm * http://www.seattleartmuseum.org

Seattle Asian Art Museum * 10:00 am - 9:00 pm * http://www.seattleartmuseum.org

Wing Luke * 10:00 am - 8:00 pm * Website Link

Tacoma Art Museum * offers extended hours and free admission every third Thursday of the month. * Website Link

Also the Museum of Glass in Tacoma also has free admission on the 3rd Thursday of each month from *5:00 pm - 8:00 pm* http://www.museumofglass.org

And the Bellevue Arts Museum is free the first Friday of each month from *10:00 am - 9:00 pm* http://www.bellevuearts.org

Yuck Feah!

What is it like?

Just leaves blowing in the wind now. How can love turn into dust? It should be the thing we fight for more than life itself, but we let it go. We allow it to fade. We let it become extinct. Some days I feel like a part of me has died and has been buried. I can no longer look at my life the way I used to. I know I'll survive this, but - at night especially - there's a cloud weighing on me and it's heavy.

I want to learn to love the journey alone. I want to learn to forget you. I love you... help me say goodbye...

The inevitability

It doesn't scare me like is used to. Death. But thinking how you're gone now, how you've vanished from existence... crazy. I can only come to a place just outside of what you must have felt - I can only peer into your heart and feel the pain you must have felt, from the outside. From the outside looking in, I can all but feel it too. I'm so sorry you suffered! I would try to remove all the pain from the earth if I could, but I am learning now that doing so would be an injustice to many. I am learning to be strong in the face of difficulty, to persevere when the desire to do so is only flickering ember, to take one painful step after painful step. It gets easier. It really does. I never thought I would feel this way.

Maybe not to you? Would saving you have saved your life? Would you have lived your life as a dead soul walking the earth, void of life save a beating heart? Would that have been a worse kind of hell? I like to think that life itself is the greatest gift, but perhaps to some it is death that is cherished. I wouldn't judge you, you chose what you chose. I just wish I could have eased your pain, somehow.

Ahh the feeling of powerlessness is hard to live with. The struggles in life seem to be constant at times. The only thing I can do is ensure that I become stronger and stronger so that I can make it on my own if need be. Your deaths compel me to live, and to live well.

"It always gets rough. It always gets better. Don’t ever delete yourself."

Sweet Sleep

It's Too Late

You can't help it. Happy Birthday. xx