Thursday, May 06, 2010
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
We're all just...
Entropy.
n., pl., -pies.
The degradation of matter and energy in the universe to an ultimate state of inert uniformity.
Why do we care about anything at all? Why do we love? Why do we miss? Why do we need? It gets tiring. All these feelings and emotions swirling around, alive and very much felt. Where can I put them so they don't overwhelm me?
n., pl., -pies.
The degradation of matter and energy in the universe to an ultimate state of inert uniformity.
Why do we care about anything at all? Why do we love? Why do we miss? Why do we need? It gets tiring. All these feelings and emotions swirling around, alive and very much felt. Where can I put them so they don't overwhelm me?
I believe
I am not sure what I believe in exactly, but I know I believe in... something.
I believe in possibilities.
I believe in the patterns of existence, but also that we have an extraordinary ability to paint these patterns in any fashion, as we see fit. We're not bound by anything other than our own choosing to be confined to the reality we create. I believe this. You have to be patient and not rush art. We are living artistic masterpieces of our own making. The artist and the canvas, the sculptor and the sculpture. Creating and being created simultaneously. You can't fully control or force the outcome of life, so why not relax a little? Relaxing into what IS allows for endless possibilities to form in our consciousness.
This has become a personal realization for me. I am one who by nature wants to know everything, wants every answer instantly and what I want, when I want it. Patience has never been my virtue. I see now that my need to control was what I thought to be a useful coping mechanism. In all actuality this is the thing that has held me back most in life, kept me locked in fear, restrained my vision and full on stressed me the fuck out. Who needs that? Everyone talks about wanting time to slow down, yet it seems we do nothing to curb it's incessant ticking on. There's nothing to be done to make it slow down, but in holding on so tight out of fear we inadvertently push the hands faster and faster around the clock.
Yet. What do I know? To others I am an idealistic, immature, naive little girl. Meh. To you I speak in platitudes and your suffering somehow more valuable than anything I have to offer. I just say, create YOUR masterpiece and experience everything. Suffer if you must, but also live. Laugh, love, hate, smile, cry, hurt, feel, create, fantasize, realize, dream, heaven and hell. Everything is part of everything else, might as well accept it all. Make the movie of your life an epic, unexpected adventure.
Whatever, do what you want. I am not going to quit daydreaming and attempting to live them.
I believe in possibilities.
I believe in the patterns of existence, but also that we have an extraordinary ability to paint these patterns in any fashion, as we see fit. We're not bound by anything other than our own choosing to be confined to the reality we create. I believe this. You have to be patient and not rush art. We are living artistic masterpieces of our own making. The artist and the canvas, the sculptor and the sculpture. Creating and being created simultaneously. You can't fully control or force the outcome of life, so why not relax a little? Relaxing into what IS allows for endless possibilities to form in our consciousness.
This has become a personal realization for me. I am one who by nature wants to know everything, wants every answer instantly and what I want, when I want it. Patience has never been my virtue. I see now that my need to control was what I thought to be a useful coping mechanism. In all actuality this is the thing that has held me back most in life, kept me locked in fear, restrained my vision and full on stressed me the fuck out. Who needs that? Everyone talks about wanting time to slow down, yet it seems we do nothing to curb it's incessant ticking on. There's nothing to be done to make it slow down, but in holding on so tight out of fear we inadvertently push the hands faster and faster around the clock.
Yet. What do I know? To others I am an idealistic, immature, naive little girl. Meh. To you I speak in platitudes and your suffering somehow more valuable than anything I have to offer. I just say, create YOUR masterpiece and experience everything. Suffer if you must, but also live. Laugh, love, hate, smile, cry, hurt, feel, create, fantasize, realize, dream, heaven and hell. Everything is part of everything else, might as well accept it all. Make the movie of your life an epic, unexpected adventure.
Whatever, do what you want. I am not going to quit daydreaming and attempting to live them.
"Many will call me an adventurer - and that I am, only one of a different sort: one of those who risks his skin to prove his platitudes" - Che Guevara
Sunday, May 02, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Happy Birthday!
This was the best, funniest picture I could find of you. =) You are amazing and wonderful!! I know I say that a lot (I hope I say that a lot), but man it's true! We've come so far down the same road - on different paths, yet always mentally synced. Somehow we just *get* each other. Lovely people have come and gone from my life, but you are a constant.
Thank you for being born.
(the Florecita to my Rokera)
Somewhere from the edge of time /
When the poets die & words don't rhyme /
I will call you up and say /
Somehow we made it out okay.
It all Comes Full Circle. Huh.
A soon coming end to the winter of wonderland, for in more ways than one has Narnia been my abode.
A haze at first, I now see that with time the colors of the sky are once again bleeding into each other - somewhere in the stillness I sense the inaudible voice of light whisper:
Yet a little while.
No longer broken, for the fragments that once were have been smashed to smithereens - no longer splinters of the frame that held my illusions, for they too have risen in flames - the fire of acceptance.
And all these which I feared to be remnants and shadows forever to haunt have instead returned from whence they came and do now exist as invisible entities whose pulsating presence breathe life to this ever changing heart.
Though once I waited, there is no longer reason to prolong or delay, for all this is indeed nothing more than the beginning of that which is to be.
That which is now, that which has been, and that which I will choose.
Can love and time coexist or are they destined to be forever at odds?
Is love not subject to time or is time which is indifferent to love?
No matter.
I say one cannot have one without the other, more so, that the acceptance of the limitations which time does represent in this mortal realm and the realization that these be but for a season, is once again nothing more than the first step to beginning a journey of discovery.
Love in this life.
To seek out or let myself be found by that which is destined to live on forever, is a journey I intend not to miss.
Elude? what for?
I shall enjoy every step of the way.
(via beuribek.blogspot.com)
A haze at first, I now see that with time the colors of the sky are once again bleeding into each other - somewhere in the stillness I sense the inaudible voice of light whisper:
Yet a little while.
No longer broken, for the fragments that once were have been smashed to smithereens - no longer splinters of the frame that held my illusions, for they too have risen in flames - the fire of acceptance.
And all these which I feared to be remnants and shadows forever to haunt have instead returned from whence they came and do now exist as invisible entities whose pulsating presence breathe life to this ever changing heart.
Though once I waited, there is no longer reason to prolong or delay, for all this is indeed nothing more than the beginning of that which is to be.
That which is now, that which has been, and that which I will choose.
Can love and time coexist or are they destined to be forever at odds?
Is love not subject to time or is time which is indifferent to love?
No matter.
I say one cannot have one without the other, more so, that the acceptance of the limitations which time does represent in this mortal realm and the realization that these be but for a season, is once again nothing more than the first step to beginning a journey of discovery.
Love in this life.
To seek out or let myself be found by that which is destined to live on forever, is a journey I intend not to miss.
Elude? what for?
I shall enjoy every step of the way.
(via beuribek.blogspot.com)
And After All...
I might still believe in love. How can I not? What else is there that is real? That is tangible? That makes the most sense, even when it doesn't? Actually, it rarely makes sense. It can break you down, take you to the darkest and scariest places you've ever experienced, it can potentially kill you. Yet somehow it's the most beautiful perplexity one could hope to experience. It's the one thing we crave sometimes more than our own breath. What strange creatures we are.
Love, wherever you are hiding right now. I'll find you... one day.
Love, wherever you are hiding right now. I'll find you... one day.
Your Thoughts on God
"I came to think that maybe God was what you believed in because you needed to feel you weren’t alone. Maybe God was simply that part of yourself that was always there and always strong, even when you were not."
— Augusten Burroughs
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
It's perfect!
She's my intergalactic soul-mate. You make the world a better place for me, thank you. :)
Dark Nights
They never last forever, but the darkness is so thick and heavy when you're in it. They talk about there being a light at the end of the tunnel, but when you're in that tunnel the words are just that... words. Yet somehow, somehow we have the strength. Inside deep and hidden away. To keep going even when the darkness has almost choked out our existence.
I just feel like the darkness has subsided a little. I feel a little more hopeful. Ugh hopelessness. :( It's awful, awful, awful! Afraid to live, terrified to die. Literally stuck. Breathing, doing, being but not living, merely existing. A waste of a human. I never want to consider myself a waste of oxygen, like I felt with all my heart that I was. God, it was so terrible. I was so scared of everything and everyone. It makes me sad to think back to the very darkest moments and sadder yet to think others are passing through the midnight of their lives right now. It's so hard, so lonely - but it passes. Little by little and day by day. It's still dark, but I can feel some light - I'm sure of it.
You were really two thirds of the problem, but now that you're gone I hope you don't mind I'm going to blame the darkest night of my life on you. It's easier that way for both of us. You don't need me missing you and I don't need me missing you, I'm glad I was so easy for you to let go of. Heartbreak is not something I would wish upon anyone.
I may always wonder... why did you let me go? When one loves so deeply it's hard to fathom how such a feeling can be completely erased from existence. Yet there it goes. It's gone and I know it's gone forever.
Wow, crazy. Forever is such a long time.
I've broken a heart and had mine broken in return - I think it's time to be gentle with myself and everyone around me.
I just feel like the darkness has subsided a little. I feel a little more hopeful. Ugh hopelessness. :( It's awful, awful, awful! Afraid to live, terrified to die. Literally stuck. Breathing, doing, being but not living, merely existing. A waste of a human. I never want to consider myself a waste of oxygen, like I felt with all my heart that I was. God, it was so terrible. I was so scared of everything and everyone. It makes me sad to think back to the very darkest moments and sadder yet to think others are passing through the midnight of their lives right now. It's so hard, so lonely - but it passes. Little by little and day by day. It's still dark, but I can feel some light - I'm sure of it.
You were really two thirds of the problem, but now that you're gone I hope you don't mind I'm going to blame the darkest night of my life on you. It's easier that way for both of us. You don't need me missing you and I don't need me missing you, I'm glad I was so easy for you to let go of. Heartbreak is not something I would wish upon anyone.
I may always wonder... why did you let me go? When one loves so deeply it's hard to fathom how such a feeling can be completely erased from existence. Yet there it goes. It's gone and I know it's gone forever.
Wow, crazy. Forever is such a long time.
And in time I will fade away
In time I won't care what you say
In time, but time takes time you know
I've broken a heart and had mine broken in return - I think it's time to be gentle with myself and everyone around me.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
ebb, ebb, ebb, brief-flash-of-flow, more ebb, ebb, ebb
“We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts not breaths; in feelings, not in figures on a dial. We should count time by heart throbs. He most lives who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.”
Thank you Astrology
This is a good day for leaving the humdrum, everyday world and traveling in your mind to a fanciful and pleasantly unreal world.
Don't mind if I do!
I miss
Being physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, pathetically connected to another human being. Harder than facing the world, is doing so when my reasons are forced to come from within, alone.
To feel charged and energized after perfectly syncing to another human soul... loneliness, you're teaching me to survive without my lifeblood. I wonder if this is healthy or just pushing me further into my own personal void.
I'm trying to force myself not to close up too much, but things keep happening that make me wonder how much more I can handle. The world can be so cruel, so unnecessarily cruel. There's so much to understand and yet so few answers to all my questions. I'm caught in a vicious cycle of wanting to know, of asking the unanswerable, of sinking into hopelessness when I can't find what I'm looking for. None of this mattered before, why does it matter now? Why do I feel like I'm just not exactly cut out for this world sometimes? Everything is so intense and I don't feel strong enough to bear the weight of my emotions. Aghhhh why why whyyyy. I can't stop asking why. :(
Lately, I just want to hide away from it all. And listen to this song.
To feel charged and energized after perfectly syncing to another human soul... loneliness, you're teaching me to survive without my lifeblood. I wonder if this is healthy or just pushing me further into my own personal void.
I'm trying to force myself not to close up too much, but things keep happening that make me wonder how much more I can handle. The world can be so cruel, so unnecessarily cruel. There's so much to understand and yet so few answers to all my questions. I'm caught in a vicious cycle of wanting to know, of asking the unanswerable, of sinking into hopelessness when I can't find what I'm looking for. None of this mattered before, why does it matter now? Why do I feel like I'm just not exactly cut out for this world sometimes? Everything is so intense and I don't feel strong enough to bear the weight of my emotions. Aghhhh why why whyyyy. I can't stop asking why. :(
Lately, I just want to hide away from it all. And listen to this song.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Just Want to Disappear Completely.
In a little while.
I'll be gone.
The moment's already passed.
Yeah it's gone.
And I'm not here.
This isn't happening.
I'm not here.
I'll be gone.
The moment's already passed.
Yeah it's gone.
And I'm not here.
This isn't happening.
I'm not here.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Small Moments of Serenity
Life's pretty good when you let yourself enjoy it and quit having something to worry about constantly. Self imposed. Naturally.
I'm enjoying my homemade cappuccino and toast with butter and orange marmalade. If you ever wanted to know my ideal morning comfort food, well now you know. Just something about the combination on a peaceful morning that asks me "why worry?", a question unspoken that resonates the expansive hollow of my mind. I'll ponder for a moment, as the distant 10am church bells peal a faint chime and shrug off with a little "hmph." as if to say "I'll be darned, I'm quite ok!"
A perfect blend of hushed comotion; the reassuring sounds everyday life; a soft, cool breeze fluttering through the blinds; chattering folks at the corner sandwhich shop; a street lamp post that anchors my view of the occasional passing of a lone bicycle or that little old chinese man that collects recycleables all down the street.
I often find myself in this very position again and again. Always appreciating anew a familiar experience I might one day take for granted, but for the time being it is now that I, again, find salvation of peace of mind - just for a moment.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
There are always moments when one feels empty and estranged. Such moments are most desirable, for it means the soul has cast its moorings and is sailing for distant places. This is detachment-- when the old is over and the new has not yet come. If you are afraid the state may be distressing, but there is really nothing to be afraid of. Remember the instruction: What ever you come across--go beyond.
- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Somedays...
She's just trying so hard to be someone that just isn't her. What a crazy, freaking journey this is!
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
I must!
I think it is time I let you go, and that is so hard to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life, but the daydreaming, the running in place it's not healthy. So this is me, cutting the cord. This is me ... saying goodbye.
...I think...
...I think...
Nothing left to die.
There's nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don't live up until their death...They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think... for them... Most people's deaths are a sham. There's nothing left to die."- C.B.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Thursday, March 04, 2010
I Want to Feel
A flat line of emotionless wasteland. It's the hardest place for me to be. I don't like to feel sad, but I want to feel and if sadness is the only emotion I can muster - well, then it will have to do. I want to learn to be happy without the need for someone or something to be there to create happiness. He was part of what felt like the great balance in my life, but really the loss of him is an excuse to grieve... the loss of my world, my balance, my religion. How does one replace an entire identity?
Learning the hardest lessons in life right now. Here's hoping I make it!
Learning the hardest lessons in life right now. Here's hoping I make it!
Monday, March 01, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
A Way Back In
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away...
just in case I ever need them again someday
just in case I ever need them again someday
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
What a Brilliant Bloodline I Have
My little sister's supporting evidence to her claim, in our "great" "debate", that less meat = more cookies. I ::heart:: her :)
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Sometimes
I wish I wasn't always shrouded in some form of sadness or nagging depression like I have been the last... while. But then, I wonder, would I have had the chance to explore how deep the darkness in my soul can go? I have had the experience of being full of light, of being completely in sync with the universe in blissful happiness. Is it perhaps my time to learn how to live without light? I remember feeling so scared and helpless - hiding in the closet at 4am, afraid of sleep, afraid of being awake. Panic overwhelming me and my sanity being held on only by a thread. I've never experienced such darkness and silence in the universe.
Silence.
A labyrinth of darkness in the silent void of the universe. I am truly alone on this journey - we all are, but I am not longer fearful of this. More than anything I am grateful for these experiences I have gone through as they have collectively stripped my world down to the bare bones. What is important is evident and clear, all the bullshit I was once so worried about has become obsolete and I am at peace ...yet surprisingly not how I would expect peace to feel...
I'm alright, really. Maybe just missing the hugs.
Silence.
A labyrinth of darkness in the silent void of the universe. I am truly alone on this journey - we all are, but I am not longer fearful of this. More than anything I am grateful for these experiences I have gone through as they have collectively stripped my world down to the bare bones. What is important is evident and clear, all the bullshit I was once so worried about has become obsolete and I am at peace ...yet surprisingly not how I would expect peace to feel...
I'm alright, really. Maybe just missing the hugs.
Sweet Tears
The soul would have no rainbow had no tears filled your eyes.
Falling raindrops colour the skies.
The diamonds of a broken heart are tears crystallized.
The sunlight sparkles in those teary eyes.
Falling raindrops colour the skies.
The diamonds of a broken heart are tears crystallized.
The sunlight sparkles in those teary eyes.
Madness
I feel like i should be a depressed hermit holed up for winter, writing woeful poetry about the long, cold winter that is life. But the sun is shining, it's almost 60 degrees out and I can't help but feel awkwardly happy. Nature, why dost thou confuse me so?
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Expression
By Scott Garner: http://www.etsy.com/shop/jungalero
...but for little moments in time, it's not all so heavy. I hope you are smiling... wherever you are.
I Know Everything About You
For all my life I've tried to hide
The animal in me
Now it's time to open up
and breathe, and breathe
The animal in me
Now it's time to open up
and breathe, and breathe
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Free Thursdays in Seattle
From my outing pleasures.
If you like free and you like museums here's a list of all the museums I know of that offer free admission on the first Thursday of each month, along with their 'free' hours that day.
Burke Museum of Natural History and Culture * 10:00 am - 8:00 pm * http://www.washington.edu/burkemuseum
Experience Music Project * 5:00 pm - 8:00 pm * http://www.empsfm.org
Henry Art Gallery * 11:00 am - 8:00 pm * http://www.henryart.org
Museum of Flight * 10:00 am - 9:00 pm * http://www.museumofflight.org
Museum of History and Industry * 10:00 am - 8:00 pm * http://www.seattlehistory.org
Northwest African American Museum * 11:00 am - 7:00 pm * http://www.naamnw.org
Science Fiction Museum and Hall of Fame * 5:00 pm - 8:00 pm * http://www.empsfm.org
Seattle Art Museum * 10:00 am - 9:00 pm * http://www.seattleartmuseum.org
Seattle Asian Art Museum * 10:00 am - 9:00 pm * http://www.seattleartmuseum.org
Wing Luke * 10:00 am - 8:00 pm * Website Link
Tacoma Art Museum * offers extended hours and free admission every third Thursday of the month. * Website Link
Also the Museum of Glass in Tacoma also has free admission on the 3rd Thursday of each month from *5:00 pm - 8:00 pm* http://www.museumofglass.org
And the Bellevue Arts Museum is free the first Friday of each month from *10:00 am - 9:00 pm* http://www.bellevuearts.org
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
What is it like?
Just leaves blowing in the wind now. How can love turn into dust? It should be the thing we fight for more than life itself, but we let it go. We allow it to fade. We let it become extinct. Some days I feel like a part of me has died and has been buried. I can no longer look at my life the way I used to. I know I'll survive this, but - at night especially - there's a cloud weighing on me and it's heavy.
I want to learn to love the journey alone. I want to learn to forget you. I love you... help me say goodbye...
I want to learn to love the journey alone. I want to learn to forget you. I love you... help me say goodbye...
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The inevitability
It doesn't scare me like is used to. Death. But thinking how you're gone now, how you've vanished from existence... crazy. I can only come to a place just outside of what you must have felt - I can only peer into your heart and feel the pain you must have felt, from the outside. From the outside looking in, I can all but feel it too. I'm so sorry you suffered! I would try to remove all the pain from the earth if I could, but I am learning now that doing so would be an injustice to many. I am learning to be strong in the face of difficulty, to persevere when the desire to do so is only flickering ember, to take one painful step after painful step. It gets easier. It really does. I never thought I would feel this way.
Maybe not to you? Would saving you have saved your life? Would you have lived your life as a dead soul walking the earth, void of life save a beating heart? Would that have been a worse kind of hell? I like to think that life itself is the greatest gift, but perhaps to some it is death that is cherished. I wouldn't judge you, you chose what you chose. I just wish I could have eased your pain, somehow.
Ahh the feeling of powerlessness is hard to live with. The struggles in life seem to be constant at times. The only thing I can do is ensure that I become stronger and stronger so that I can make it on my own if need be. Your deaths compel me to live, and to live well.
"It always gets rough. It always gets better. Don’t ever delete yourself."
Sweet Sleep
Maybe not to you? Would saving you have saved your life? Would you have lived your life as a dead soul walking the earth, void of life save a beating heart? Would that have been a worse kind of hell? I like to think that life itself is the greatest gift, but perhaps to some it is death that is cherished. I wouldn't judge you, you chose what you chose. I just wish I could have eased your pain, somehow.
Ahh the feeling of powerlessness is hard to live with. The struggles in life seem to be constant at times. The only thing I can do is ensure that I become stronger and stronger so that I can make it on my own if need be. Your deaths compel me to live, and to live well.
"It always gets rough. It always gets better. Don’t ever delete yourself."
Sweet Sleep
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Take Care
Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? I've been walking for miles and the only light I find comes from cracks in the walls. I run towards it thinking it's finally here, but the source of light is just... a tiny crack.
In a time warp. I can't see ahead. I try so hard to keep my eyes on the present moment, to stop fearing what does (or doesn't lie ahead), but sometimes I become so consumed. So overwhelmed with emotion so heavy all I can do is cry and cry and cry. Trapped in despair, living moments of peacefulness. Up, smashed down, weakly rising to stand yet again. The weight is so heavy I can barely carry it.
Weak and rejected. Worn out and crestfallen. There is nothing to do but to feel this, feel this struggle with every fiber of my being. You won't win and you can't defeat me. Even if all I do is run for cracks in the wall, I will run. What else can I do? I can't give up, because I don't know my enemy's face. To whom will I surrender? The raging thoughts in my head that push me down, down, down to the depths of despair? A coward with no face.
I am. I am! So hopeless, but I still have... this. What? I have nothing. But something is still there. What is it? It is just what it is; it is life, it is breath. I can feel it... this pounding against my heart ...THIS is me. Undefined and unexplainable. It is life and life will live on. It has no choice.
Softly she whispers, "keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going" "as the road divides you must walk, you must walk, you must walk, you must..
...let go"
In a time warp. I can't see ahead. I try so hard to keep my eyes on the present moment, to stop fearing what does (or doesn't lie ahead), but sometimes I become so consumed. So overwhelmed with emotion so heavy all I can do is cry and cry and cry. Trapped in despair, living moments of peacefulness. Up, smashed down, weakly rising to stand yet again. The weight is so heavy I can barely carry it.
Weak and rejected. Worn out and crestfallen. There is nothing to do but to feel this, feel this struggle with every fiber of my being. You won't win and you can't defeat me. Even if all I do is run for cracks in the wall, I will run. What else can I do? I can't give up, because I don't know my enemy's face. To whom will I surrender? The raging thoughts in my head that push me down, down, down to the depths of despair? A coward with no face.
I am. I am! So hopeless, but I still have... this. What? I have nothing. But something is still there. What is it? It is just what it is; it is life, it is breath. I can feel it... this pounding against my heart ...THIS is me. Undefined and unexplainable. It is life and life will live on. It has no choice.
Softly she whispers, "keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going" "as the road divides you must walk, you must walk, you must walk, you must..
...let go"
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
And so it is
You're fading from me. The light is fading, the candle nearly burned. Oh, it's just flickering against the thick black night. Soon the darkness will be here and the long cold winter. I only pray that I'll truly say "let it be", but it's so hard to just. let. go. The remembering is difficult, but the forgetting is worse.
They say heartbreak is painful, have you felt that? The pain in your chest, at the thought of times passed or of memories lost, the tightened grip squeezing your heart threatening to cease the beating life force. Don't wish for it, but like it or not, it will find you. No experience has been more difficult, not broken me more, nor brought me to my knees in full surrender of my hopes and dreams than this....
It is. It is really over and will never be again.
Never. Be. Again.
Never. Be. Again.
Never. Be. Again.
Those words drive a thousand knives into my heart...
But here I am. The world is still turning. Somehow, life goes on and by no effort of my own it just goes. It's just not the same as it was; a new puzzle of an even newer nature, but this time the pieces have at least quadrupled and I haven't found the corner pieces yet. If I could understand you better, life, we'd probably be great friends - maybe I just need to get to know you. You're kind of an asshole tho, so hopefully you have a good explanation one of these days. For your sake.
So, I'll walk through the streets and smile at the lone passersby. No words, just a smile. That's all I have for you world. I don't have a lot left to say, but I think you'll appreciate this. I've said too much already. I've put you down, criticized you harshly, insulted, flattered and despised you. Yes, the time has come to hold my peace, yet I will leave my peace to the Universe to absorb; my tears, my breath, my innermost fears, my love and the unspoken stillness in my heart. The spoken word pales next to the emotional expression of a melody or the light shining from your eyes. Why compete with perfection?
Smiles and music.
Yep, sounds about right.
...just really wish you were here... sigh
They say heartbreak is painful, have you felt that? The pain in your chest, at the thought of times passed or of memories lost, the tightened grip squeezing your heart threatening to cease the beating life force. Don't wish for it, but like it or not, it will find you. No experience has been more difficult, not broken me more, nor brought me to my knees in full surrender of my hopes and dreams than this....
It is. It is really over and will never be again.
Never. Be. Again.
Never. Be. Again.
Never. Be. Again.
Those words drive a thousand knives into my heart...
But here I am. The world is still turning. Somehow, life goes on and by no effort of my own it just goes. It's just not the same as it was; a new puzzle of an even newer nature, but this time the pieces have at least quadrupled and I haven't found the corner pieces yet. If I could understand you better, life, we'd probably be great friends - maybe I just need to get to know you. You're kind of an asshole tho, so hopefully you have a good explanation one of these days. For your sake.
So, I'll walk through the streets and smile at the lone passersby. No words, just a smile. That's all I have for you world. I don't have a lot left to say, but I think you'll appreciate this. I've said too much already. I've put you down, criticized you harshly, insulted, flattered and despised you. Yes, the time has come to hold my peace, yet I will leave my peace to the Universe to absorb; my tears, my breath, my innermost fears, my love and the unspoken stillness in my heart. The spoken word pales next to the emotional expression of a melody or the light shining from your eyes. Why compete with perfection?
Smiles and music.
Yep, sounds about right.
...just really wish you were here... sigh
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
A good reminder
Resentment builds and is a vicious cycle - "I'm not getting what I want/need, so I refuse to give you anything you want/need" Communication is broken, people either don't discuss the tough issues or they don't listen each other. Fights and arguments just make people shutdown and react in an automatic way.
A relationship is an entity - a living, breathing thing. You can't just create one and let it exist, believing it will survive and thrive on it's own. You have to be actively involved in making it work, just being present isn't enough.
A relationship is an entity - a living, breathing thing. You can't just create one and let it exist, believing it will survive and thrive on it's own. You have to be actively involved in making it work, just being present isn't enough.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Better Times
I feel you - pain in my heart, vice like grip in my chest. Won't you leave? No, stay a while so that I can memorize how much this hurts, how it hurts, why it hurts, where it hurts I can't keep the tears inside, they force their way through like a wild, unruly river. They say it's good to cry and I want to believe them, but the pain gripping my chest? Is this pain just you taking back the pieces of your heart one by one? I can feel each piece as it's removed. Why must you? Please, leave them there... don't go, don't change, don't fade away into nothing! Nothing lasts forever, but I never expected 'nothing' to ever end. OH ENDINGS! I can hardly stand you!
I'll collect these tears to one day make a sparkling necklace of salt crystals.
I'll collect these tears to one day make a sparkling necklace of salt crystals.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Friday, April 11, 2008
the time has come
for all good things to come to an end. in a sense, there are chapters in my life that are closed and others that are waiting to be opened. this particular blog needs to end but the tumultuous story will remain as a reminder. it will be something that I will be able to look back on in the years to come and think, "What a foolish, foolish child I was." ...mind you I was also pretty damn AWESOME! Dontchooferget!
if you want to know about me, well hey you should just ask me. And if not, well then you ain't missing out on nothing.
you are the ever living ghost of what once was...
if you want to know about me, well hey you should just ask me. And if not, well then you ain't missing out on nothing.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
a song for me and my lil soul
Watchin' a stretch of road, miles of light explode.
Driftin' off a thing i'd never done before
Watchin' a crowd roll in. out go the lights it begins.
A feelin' in my bones i never felt before.
People always told me. that bars are dark and lonely
And talk is often cheap and filled with air.
Sure sometimes they thrill me
But nothin' could ever chill me.
Like the way they make the time just disappear
Feelin' you are here again. hot on my skin again.
Feelin good a thing i'd never known before
What does it mean to feel?
Millions of dreams come real
A feelin' in my soul i'd never felt before.
And you always told me.
No matter how long it holds me if it falls apart
Or makes us millonaires. you'll be right here forever.
We'll go thru this thing together
And on heaven's golden shore we'll lay our heads
Driftin' off a thing i'd never done before
Watchin' a crowd roll in. out go the lights it begins.
A feelin' in my bones i never felt before.
People always told me. that bars are dark and lonely
And talk is often cheap and filled with air.
Sure sometimes they thrill me
But nothin' could ever chill me.
Like the way they make the time just disappear
Feelin' you are here again. hot on my skin again.
Feelin good a thing i'd never known before
What does it mean to feel?
Millions of dreams come real
A feelin' in my soul i'd never felt before.
And you always told me.
No matter how long it holds me if it falls apart
Or makes us millonaires. you'll be right here forever.
We'll go thru this thing together
And on heaven's golden shore we'll lay our heads
Monday, April 07, 2008
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Wouldn't it be interesting...
if hypnosis really worked? Hehe. I haven't researched it and even if I did, I really don't think I'd get around to it. Maybe I should though and make sure they ask me questions that I'm too scared to answer in a conscious state. I don't think I am 100% honest with myself and even when I try to (or at least I think I am)I still don't ever come to a solid consensus about what the meaning of my life is. For some reason, I don't really know how to do it though! Is this normal? I feel like I am blessed with tremendous ability (to do something), but cursed with infinite choices. Figuring out what I should do with my life in constantly on my mind.
I find safety in the past and I always seem to look to the past for my answers, for my security. The past is comforting because I went through it and I came out the other end. Of course it took me going through it coming out the other end okay to become my comfort, not the going through it part. Looking forward to the future is such a hard thing to do and I am boggled by all I want to do.
How does one slow down, focus and get there?
I find safety in the past and I always seem to look to the past for my answers, for my security. The past is comforting because I went through it and I came out the other end. Of course it took me going through it coming out the other end okay to become my comfort, not the going through it part. Looking forward to the future is such a hard thing to do and I am boggled by all I want to do.
How does one slow down, focus and get there?
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
What is life?
“It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.”
Monday, March 24, 2008
Scuury
Police helicopters are flying over head announcing that there is a wanted criminal in the area and to please be cautious! Man! I was just enjoying having all the doors and windows open on this beautiful day while I work on my homework and now I have to close them! Sigh, I suppose a small sacrifice for the sake of safety might be a legitimate.
C'mon Emma!!!
Back to the grind...
PS Can someone tell me why it's SO hard to start an essay?
C'mon Emma!!!
Back to the grind...
PS Can someone tell me why it's SO hard to start an essay?
Saturday, March 22, 2008
So I obviously don't really know how to use my camera. It's only by chance that any of the pics turn out since I'm like adjust, adjust, point, shoot.... "oh crap" delete, adjust adjust, point, shoot.... "aha! but what did I do??"
Luchi I need some pointers!!
Here and here are samples of pictures taken with my camera... so it can be done!!
Luchi I need some pointers!!
Here and here are samples of pictures taken with my camera... so it can be done!!
Friday, March 21, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
HBD
2 u.
Although u don't really deserve my remembering since you clearly forgot mine, I did. Probably only because part of your birth date happens to be something to do with a password I have for something... or something. So don't feel tooo lucky. :P
San Francisco. Yesterday pops and I took BART (the metro system out here) into downtown and trekked around for most of the day. Although I don't usually do the "touristy" thing, I much prefer finding the gems that are somewhere off the beaten path, it was fun to do this time! I got some halfway decent shots which I will post later on.
It's a beautiful day today. No need to miss out on it!
Smile and everything around you will be beautiful!
xoxo
Although u don't really deserve my remembering since you clearly forgot mine, I did. Probably only because part of your birth date happens to be something to do with a password I have for something... or something. So don't feel tooo lucky. :P
San Francisco. Yesterday pops and I took BART (the metro system out here) into downtown and trekked around for most of the day. Although I don't usually do the "touristy" thing, I much prefer finding the gems that are somewhere off the beaten path, it was fun to do this time! I got some halfway decent shots which I will post later on.
It's a beautiful day today. No need to miss out on it!
Smile and everything around you will be beautiful!
xoxo
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Hello :)
The ups and downs have felt like a roller coaster lately. I almost want to keep everything I think to myself, because I can't ensure my feelings won't change. As perplexed as I can become, I have gotten good at looking at the bright side and sometimes I just need to remind myself (or be reminded) that the world is a lot bigger and more beautiful than my petty problems. In saying this I am not discounting my right to feel what I feel, but in having felt the internal metamorphosis taking place when I put on a smiling face or think positively despite how I feel, there is no need to immerse myself in all my fears and worries.
Next week is going to be great! My dad is flying into San Francisco for a visit. It has been a few years now since we last saw him, the last time being around the time I arrived in Denver way back when. Wow, time has flown! I can't believe that it has been almost 3 years! A little scary actually. Anyway, Monday evening I will be taking the train out there to spend the week. I just loooove taking the train when ever I can. It's a little pricey, $15 or so each way, but the views and scenery on the route are spectacular and impossible to enjoy in the same way traveling by car. I am needing a change of scenery and some great company for a few days. The past few months I have just been working and studying seemingly without end and now I am feeling effects of solitariness: quite depressing! I need my fix of cuteness that is Altea!!! Don't kids make the world a happier place? Especially adorable ones like her! I swear, I could sit around ALL day and just watch her do her thing and I would be set for life. I don't need anything else in my life. Haha.
Oh my time is up. back to the grind! I will leave you with a silly video clip from our last visit to Mike and Kristina's. Love and miss you all! xoxoxox
not working right now! I will load it later...
Next week is going to be great! My dad is flying into San Francisco for a visit. It has been a few years now since we last saw him, the last time being around the time I arrived in Denver way back when. Wow, time has flown! I can't believe that it has been almost 3 years! A little scary actually. Anyway, Monday evening I will be taking the train out there to spend the week. I just loooove taking the train when ever I can. It's a little pricey, $15 or so each way, but the views and scenery on the route are spectacular and impossible to enjoy in the same way traveling by car. I am needing a change of scenery and some great company for a few days. The past few months I have just been working and studying seemingly without end and now I am feeling effects of solitariness: quite depressing! I need my fix of cuteness that is Altea!!! Don't kids make the world a happier place? Especially adorable ones like her! I swear, I could sit around ALL day and just watch her do her thing and I would be set for life. I don't need anything else in my life. Haha.
Oh my time is up. back to the grind! I will leave you with a silly video clip from our last visit to Mike and Kristina's. Love and miss you all! xoxoxox
not working right now! I will load it later...
Friday, February 29, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Slow Dance
Slow Dance
Have you ever watched kids
on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain
slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last
Do you run through each day
on the fly
When you ask "How are you?"
do you hear the reply?
When the day is done,
do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last
Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow
And in your haste,
not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
'Cause you never had time
to call and say "Hi"?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away...
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.
-- David L Weatherford
Have you ever watched kids
on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain
slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last
Do you run through each day
on the fly
When you ask "How are you?"
do you hear the reply?
When the day is done,
do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last
Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow
And in your haste,
not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
'Cause you never had time
to call and say "Hi"?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away...
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.
-- David L Weatherford
Thursday, February 21, 2008
5 stages
Denial - then Anger - then Bargaining - now Depression - now ................................... Acceptance - when?
I think that's what it is... it's complicated. Thanks for listening Luchi, I feel TONS better... even if some mud had to be thrown, the cause is worthy!! :P I am thankful that you are one person who I can talk to about certain things and you understand. Guess I am lucky that I have a few people like that - I assign you each a topic of my distress and train you how to answer so I feel better. :P
Thanks for not giving up on me people!! xoxoxoxox
I think that's what it is... it's complicated. Thanks for listening Luchi, I feel TONS better... even if some mud had to be thrown, the cause is worthy!! :P I am thankful that you are one person who I can talk to about certain things and you understand. Guess I am lucky that I have a few people like that - I assign you each a topic of my distress and train you how to answer so I feel better. :P
Thanks for not giving up on me people!! xoxoxoxox
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
Presidents day = almost everyone gets the day off
But not me! It is in fact on of the days where I work more than ever! But hey, that's okay - moneys = rent = comfy-cozy = good. When you are working in retail, holidaiz mean the masses will be out spending their mulla like it's going out of style. Yeah don't be outside enjoying the weather, go for a bike ride stupid people! My job makes me hate Americans more than I should.
But at the same time I can have fun at work. I just have to pretend I am not really at a job. Maybe just out and about meeting random people are striking up conversations. It's easy for me to live in my imagination, I'm a Pisces! :) You'd think I was actually happy about this fact the amount I talk about it. Alas, I am hoping for pity. In doing my horoscope yesterday, after Kristina suggested I look on my birth certificate for my time of birth instead of relying on my mother's "somewhere around 2, 2:30, or 3:30. Somewhere around there.", I now know I am:
Sun Pisces
Moon Pisces
Mercury Aquarius
Venus Pisces
Mars Pisces
Jupiter Libra
Saturn Libra
Uranus Sagittarius
Neptune Sagittarius
Pluto Libra
True Node Leo
Ascendant Cancer ----- it was thought I might have a Leo rising, but no. More water!
You ask what this means? I present Miss Undecided waterfall on legs! That's what! ... ohhh what tangent am I on? Hehe. I'm all over the place tonight. It's far to late at night for my brain to have the ability to write a well thought out thesis, build and conclusion. I do that all week long with homework!! I will close with something easy... on the eyes and my brain... photiiiii!! :)
With all the take off an additional 40% + $10 + 25% more + coupons + a bag of cookies sales going on, we succumbed and partook of the great indulgence. Brandt needed a suit for some up and coming work stuffs so we got him kitted out. We saved about 70% so HEY, I guess we did alright!
fweeet fweooo (that's the sexy whistle thang peeps do, i can't spell.)
But at the same time I can have fun at work. I just have to pretend I am not really at a job. Maybe just out and about meeting random people are striking up conversations. It's easy for me to live in my imagination, I'm a Pisces! :) You'd think I was actually happy about this fact the amount I talk about it. Alas, I am hoping for pity. In doing my horoscope yesterday, after Kristina suggested I look on my birth certificate for my time of birth instead of relying on my mother's "somewhere around 2, 2:30, or 3:30. Somewhere around there.", I now know I am:
Sun Pisces
Moon Pisces
Mercury Aquarius
Venus Pisces
Mars Pisces
Jupiter Libra
Saturn Libra
Uranus Sagittarius
Neptune Sagittarius
Pluto Libra
True Node Leo
Ascendant Cancer ----- it was thought I might have a Leo rising, but no. More water!
You ask what this means? I present Miss Undecided waterfall on legs! That's what! ... ohhh what tangent am I on? Hehe. I'm all over the place tonight. It's far to late at night for my brain to have the ability to write a well thought out thesis, build and conclusion. I do that all week long with homework!! I will close with something easy... on the eyes and my brain... photiiiii!! :)
With all the take off an additional 40% + $10 + 25% more + coupons + a bag of cookies sales going on, we succumbed and partook of the great indulgence. Brandt needed a suit for some up and coming work stuffs so we got him kitted out. We saved about 70% so HEY, I guess we did alright!
fweeet fweooo (that's the sexy whistle thang peeps do, i can't spell.)
Saturday, February 16, 2008
OMG!!11!!!1!!!!!!
SHE'S PREGNANT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go give her your congrats! YAY FOR MORE CUTE BABIES!!!
Friday, February 15, 2008
Quite possibly
the best Radiohead Album YET! "In Rainbows" you MUST take a listen. It perfectly captures my senses.
These videos leave much to be desired visually, but just listen. It's a perfect wet-and-cold-winter album that will translate your gloom into a melodic inner warmth.
These videos leave much to be desired visually, but just listen. It's a perfect wet-and-cold-winter album that will translate your gloom into a melodic inner warmth.
Where are all the bloggers gone to?
Do you ever miss the little blogging world that was so active a few years ago? I do. It's just not the same like it was somehow even when people do blog. What do you think happened? Well my mom's COOL and has a blog! ;) CHCK IT! Actually most of my favourite ladies are MOMs. Gasp! Luchi, Xtina, Christina, (oh and Luchi's mom - she writes best comments) What does this tell me? But wait, you were cool before you had babies, so don't try and try and make me admit that being a mom makes you cooler. :P
So did you know yesterday was Valentines Day? I swear I almost missed it ;) The interesting thing about having an American boyfriend is that he has all the holidays and celebrations preprogrammed. Even if you'd prefer not to recognize a particular holiday, there's just no way round it. How can one make the transition from February 13th to February 15th without buying flowers or buying anything at all!? But I digress, he got me some roses and I was most touched... even if consumer pressure from society and possibly trauma from previous relationships influenced him more than love, he still made an effort to surprise me cuz that's just how he rolls:)
A funny story actually, at least I thought so, he bought the roses and freaked a little about what to do with them till I got home as we have no vase! (Hey we're young! Only moms and grandmas have vases!) So, he tells me later, his first thought was to try and shove them into the 4L water bottle, tie a ribbon around it and hope that would do the trick. Haha! Well, sadly he decided against that, as I would have loved to see and instead just set them on the kitchen counter with a card and there I found them, slightly wilted and turning brown. But awwwww =)
Here's us this time last year in Maui! <3
So did you know yesterday was Valentines Day? I swear I almost missed it ;) The interesting thing about having an American boyfriend is that he has all the holidays and celebrations preprogrammed. Even if you'd prefer not to recognize a particular holiday, there's just no way round it. How can one make the transition from February 13th to February 15th without buying flowers or buying anything at all!? But I digress, he got me some roses and I was most touched... even if consumer pressure from society and possibly trauma from previous relationships influenced him more than love, he still made an effort to surprise me cuz that's just how he rolls:)
A funny story actually, at least I thought so, he bought the roses and freaked a little about what to do with them till I got home as we have no vase! (Hey we're young! Only moms and grandmas have vases!) So, he tells me later, his first thought was to try and shove them into the 4L water bottle, tie a ribbon around it and hope that would do the trick. Haha! Well, sadly he decided against that, as I would have loved to see and instead just set them on the kitchen counter with a card and there I found them, slightly wilted and turning brown. But awwwww =)
Here's us this time last year in Maui! <3
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
in my world
slackers would be given just as much for their lack of efforts as their over achieving counterparts, because that's just fair!! heehee. Just kidding, I'm no commie I swear!! :P
I'm lazy and I admit that I hate applying my mind. I feel like I don't even think the right way for a lot of what I will be studying anyway. I'm more of a fairytale loving, unrealistic, random and ideally an out of touch with reality kind of person - which is hard to translate into anything logical. =) It's hard for me to have to force my mind into behaving in a very specific way and then repeating the method over and over. Tough stuff for a vivacious mind!! But I need the discipline and to come to terms with the fact that some things are just always going to be plain hard and I should get used to that.
oh look at the time... Happy Valentines Day!!
Nighty night
I'm lazy and I admit that I hate applying my mind. I feel like I don't even think the right way for a lot of what I will be studying anyway. I'm more of a fairytale loving, unrealistic, random and ideally an out of touch with reality kind of person - which is hard to translate into anything logical. =) It's hard for me to have to force my mind into behaving in a very specific way and then repeating the method over and over. Tough stuff for a vivacious mind!! But I need the discipline and to come to terms with the fact that some things are just always going to be plain hard and I should get used to that.
oh look at the time... Happy Valentines Day!!
Nighty night
Ah tis spring, or so it feels like
After having just gone through a depressingly wet winter, I have decided I would never survive (quite literally) in any such place where the sun fails to shine... a lot. Which kinda sucks because those are definitely some of the coolest places (think Seattle, London, San Francisco, anywhere in Northern Europe, Canada, Alaska, Iceland, probably Argentina and quite possibly anywhere outside of California.
Tsktsk I know, what an exaggerater I am. I'm just being a whiner cuz I don't get to gallivant around the world at the moment so I have to make myself feel better about staying put. I'm learning a few lessons in procrastinating dramatic change, because SOMETIMES you learn a lot from following through on something you set to do and following it through to completion. I get bored easily................
!!!LNF!!!
I just finished skyping my dad and found out that he is hoping we might be able to move up to Seattle to live at the house with my little sister!! My dad and step-mom will be living in France and little sis is in Beauty School, prefers to stay put and finish up her studies. So I guess I take back everything I said!! Haha yaya!
PICS
Tsktsk I know, what an exaggerater I am. I'm just being a whiner cuz I don't get to gallivant around the world at the moment so I have to make myself feel better about staying put. I'm learning a few lessons in procrastinating dramatic change, because SOMETIMES you learn a lot from following through on something you set to do and following it through to completion. I get bored easily................
!!!LNF!!!
I just finished skyping my dad and found out that he is hoping we might be able to move up to Seattle to live at the house with my little sister!! My dad and step-mom will be living in France and little sis is in Beauty School, prefers to stay put and finish up her studies. So I guess I take back everything I said!! Haha yaya!
PICS
Friday, February 08, 2008
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